And I’m back…

LeakyCon 2009 (12)

I had a GREAT TIME at LeakyCon 2009!  Didn’t get much sleep, met a bunch of great new people, and partied like it was 1999!  It took my mind off everything for almost 6 days straight, which was GREAT (I say almost the whole 6 days because just as we were leaving the hotel Sunday these 2 beautiful little babies came by – I was dead tired and cranky and I broke down for a good 5 minutes.  That’s how I knew I was completly spent)!

So now – back to the real world.  Even though I didn’t think about IF while I was gone, I started my Provera on Wednesday.  Started cramping a bit Thursday/Friday (which made me nervous because if AF had arrived while I was on vacation, I would have missed my window) but AF began last night!  It’s odd how I think this is the only time in my life I’ve been happy for a visit from AF, but there you go.  Called in to FCI (my doctor’s office) this morning and have an appointment tomorrow morning for my baseline ultrasound/bloodwork.  And here we go again.  I’m nervous about how I will react when I walk back in to that office tomorrow.  The last time I was there I cried because I was so happy I’d never have to go back.  Now I’m having to start the whole process again.  It’s going to be hard, I know.  Please keep me in your thoughts tomorrow as I once again start my journey.

Still here

Sorry the posting has been on hiatus.  I was home (in Minnesota) visitng family this weekend.  It wasen’t as bad as I thought it would be, though I think I had psyched myself up enough to not let it get to me.  There were moments when I hugged my mom and grandma when I was close to tears, but I sucked it up.

Wanted to write and say that I will be MIA for the next week.  I’m heading to Boston for a convention…a Harry Potter convention!  Yes – I’m one of those!  It should be a great time, and I’m looking forward to a week away from all this crazy IF stuff.  Get my mind off it for a while.  However, I’ll be starting my Provera on Wednesday.  This is the stuff that should hopefully coax AF out of her hidey hole and bring her out for a visit.  I actually got the drugs last week, but knowing that I was going to be gone all this coming week, I talked with my nurse and we both decided it’d be best to wait until the middle of the week, just in case.  It usually takes a week or 2 for the meds to work, but I don’t want to be in the middle of Boston and have AF come for her visit and then miss my window for the baseline (bloodwork/ultrasound) and then have to wait until my next cycle.

Guess that’s all for now.  Just wanted to let you all know I’m alive and thinking of you.  I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to check the interwebs while I’m in Boston.  I’ll be thinking of you all and hopeing all is well in your lives.

Connections…

There seems to be a sort of connection between us all in the IF world.  We have a common story, though some of the details may be different, the general shape of the story is the same.  I’ve made a new IF bloggin connection.  Kate from Maybe Baby? has been leaving comments on my blog posts lately and I spent today reading through her blog from  the first post to the most current post.  I’m sure many of you have experienced the same thing, but it is as if I were reading something I wrote.  Almost every word, every pain, every tear – they are mine as well.

She posted a song in April by Ray Lamontagne called “Let It Be Me”.  It is a song that I’ve been listening to for months on the online radio station I play while at work.  I never grasped the words though.  I read that post and felt the connection.  The connection to her, to the pain, to the words, to us all dealing with miscarriage and infertility.

There may come a time, a time in everyones life
where nothin seems to go your way
where nothing seems to turn out right
there may come a time, you just cant seem to find your way
for every door you walk on to, seems like they get slammed in your face
thats when you need someone, someone that you can call.
and when all your faith is gone
feels like you cant go on
let it be me
if its a friend that you need
let it be me
feels like your always commin on home
pockets full of nothin and you got no cash
no matter where you turn you aint got no place to stand
reach out for something and they slap your hand
now i remember all to well
just how it feels to be all alone
you feel like youd give anything
for just a little place you can call your own
thats when you need someone, someone that you can call
and when all your faith is gone let it be me.

While the song was playing in the background just now as I was working, I was over come with emotion.  Mostly because I all of a sudden realized what I putting myself into this weekend.  My husband and I are heading up to Minnesota for the weekend to see my parents.  It hit me that I have not seen ANY of my family since I had my miscarriage in March.  The last time I saw my family was in February at my mom’s birthday party, and I told them the good news – that I was pregnant.

On Easter Sunday my husband and I were visiting his family.  I called home to wish everyone a Happy Easter.  My grandma got on the phone and I broke into tears at the sound of her voice.  It was very unexpected, and I don’t think she knew it happened.  I will see her this weekend, and I’m not sure how I will deal.

In better news, just now as I was typing this blog and the tears were forming, the phone rang.  It was my nurse at FCI (Fertility Centers of Illinois) where I go for my IF treatments.  I had called earlier to talk about starting up the meds that will bring on my cycle (provera).  I love my nurse there.  She’s been amazing through this whole process.  She was so happy when our IUI worked out and so upset when I told her I had lost the baby.  She is calling into my pharmacy right now to order the meds and I can pick them up tonight!  HUZZAH!!  This post started with me feeling very sad, and I still am, but I’m very glad that it’s ending with some hope…perhaps a sign??