beta #4…

So on Monday I called and talked with my ob/gyn.  I spoke with her about the u/s last Friday.  She said that there was a 6 wk fetal pole.  This was good news, the MFM never told me how far along it measured.  I asked her if I could get another Beta test before my u/s this Friday.  She said at this point, she doesn’t need to see any more numbers, but if I wanted to get the test done for my own peace of mind I could.  She did warn me though that rising or falling numbers could mean nothing.  I understood, but wanted the tests anyway.  I also asked her to recheck my progesterone.

Results are in.  Beta #4 was 26,022, Progesterone still low at 11.4

Doctor said that the beta numbers were good, and we’ll just have to keep watching the progesterone, though at this point, what’s more important is that there is a heartbeat when I go in for the ultrasound tomorrow.

I hadn’t been using the progesterone inserts the last few days.  Maybe that was dumb.  I kinda wanted to see what the numbers would do on there own I guess.  I’m a moron, what can I say.  Needless to say, I’ll be using them from now on!  Though, I’ll have to forgo the dose tomorrow morning due to the ultrasound.  If the news is good then *fingers crossed*  I’ll be going back on them.  I’ll also have to ask for a new prescription, as I only have 2 wks worth.

So, that’s the update for now.  My u/s is at 2pm tomorrow.  I’ve taken the afternoon off of work so I can either celebrate or go home and cry myself to sleep.  Hopefully it’ll be the first one.

I’m still spotting some, though some days I’ll have nothing and the next day it’ll come back.  Some times just a bit on the TP, sometime it’ll show up on the pad (TMI, I know, sorry…)  I just wish it would go away.  It’s not leaving me much room for hope.

I want to thank all of my readers, commenters and Twitter pals – you guys have been awesome and very supportive.  I’ve also gotten some great help from IRL friends and family, and I couldn’t appreciate all of that more!  It is wonderful to know I have so many people thinking of Justin and I and supporting us in through this whole journey.  Thank you.

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facing fear again…

On Sunday, June 6th I took a pregnancy test.  It was positive.  My first response?  I broke into tear – I was terrified.  Scared that I would again loose my baby again.  Of course, I was happy, too, that I was pregnant again and had a chance, but the fear was there.

I called my MFM doctor on Monday, June 7th and set up a 1st ultrasound for June 25th.  Called my ob/gyn and set up an appointment for July 12th (after lots of phone calls, being told I’d need to see a different doctor because she was booked up and talking directly with her nurse, that’s a whole different story that I’m not gonna go into right now though).  Tuesday, June 8th I decided that it was too long of a wait and wanted to do some beta tests.  I spoke with my ob doc and beta tests were set for that Thursday and Saturday.

Beta #1 (20 dpo) -1950

Beta #2 (22 dpo) – 3376

Good numbers right?  I began to rest a bit easier, that I’d at least make it to my first appointment.

Monday, June 14th I woke up to spotting.  Not much, just a bit on the TP, but enough to make my heart drop.  Called my ob and she told me to move my MFM appointment up to the end of the week if possible, sent me in for a beta test that day.  MFM appointment was switched to that Friday, the 18th.

Beta #3 (24 dpo) – 5999

Progesterone: 10.4

I was told that my progesterone was a bit low and to ask the MFM doctor about it at my appointment.  I told the nurse over the phone that I still had some progesterone inserts from when I was going through treatments and asked if I should use those.  She gave me a very definitive no, that I should ask the MFM doc what to do.  Spotting continued throughout the week, but still very little, and no cramping.

Friday, I go to the MFM doctor for my first u/s…hoping that the baby is big enough to see a heartbeat, and that it even has a heartbeat.  I’m guessing I’m about 6wks (based on when I ovulated).  The u/s starts, and I just can tell it’s not good news.  I see no little flickering.  The doctor doesn’t say a word.  At one point he grabs my hand and holds me on my wrist.  At first I think he’s trying to comfort me, but then I realized he was probably checking my pulse for some reason?  He asks if I’m sure on the date of my last period.  I tell him yes, but my ovulation was late, so I’m not as far along as the stupid pregnancy wheel says I am.  He says okay, we’ll need to check and the u/s is over.

The nurse leaves the room and we talk.  He tells me that yes, there is a pregnancy there, but that it is too small to detect a heartbeat.  He pulls out the wheel again and, basing on my ovulation, says I’m somewhere in the 5 + week point.  He says we will try again in one week.  He also tells me that either the baby is too small to see the heart beat, or I am having a miscarriage.  There is no way to tell yet.  Then he points to the pictures on the screen and shows me that there are 2 sacs – two.  The 2nd is underdeveloped and he says that could be what’s causing the bleeding.  So I go back this Friday, June 25th, to see what’s going on.

I told him about the low progesterone and that I had some inserts, asked if I should use them, and that the nurse had told me not too.  He said I should absolutely use them and asked why the nurse had told me not too.  Very good question doctor, wish I knew.

Of course, as soon as I left the appointment, my spotting turned from just a bit on the TP to a full flow.  Figures.  It had been all pink & brown up until that point, but that day, it was bright red.  It has since slowed down again and no longer red.  I’m hoping that it was from the ultrasound wand, it was a pretty aggressive examination, but honestly, I don’t have much hope at this point.

When I got my first 2 beta numbers, my brain started thinking twins, they just seemed so high for so early on.  Guess I was right, but no longer.  If nothing else, I have lost one, and possibly I have lost both.  I have to wait again, until Friday to find out – hopefully we’ll know then.

I called the ob doc on Friday to tell her what happened at the u/s and request more beta tests for this week.  She was not in (she only in on Mondays & Fridays, and apparently has a lot of vacation the next few weeks…), so the nurse said, “Oh, I’m sure your MFM doctor will talk to her Monday and she’ll want to do 2 more beta draws.  She’ll call you then.”  I highly doubt that.  I will be calling back today.

So – that’s the story so far.  That’s why I haven’t been blogging.  I really wanted to tell you all, but there are IRL people who read my blog, and I needed to make sure to contact certain people to tell them what was going on before they read about it on the blog – it’s just how it is.

Now my story is out there.  I’m still spotting, still have no cramping.  I know I’ve lost one baby, and think I’ve lost another.  I’m not sure where to go next.  I’ve always wanted twins.  Maybe someday my luck will turn around.  I just can’t believe I’m in this place again.  And that I’m still stuck in this eternal limbo of not knowing.  It’s frustrating and painful.  Last week, I was calm.  Nervous, but accepting of what was happening and what probably would happen.  But now, seeing the u/s, knowing there were 2, but not knowing still what is happening, it really drug me down.  I can’t get back to that hopeful and accepting state I was in last week.  Friday can not come soon enough.

dr. freakin’ awesome & answers…

Have I mentioned how much I love my MFM doctor?  I really do!  He’s been amazing to me…I’ve only seen him once, but when I have questions or tests come back HE calls me personally!  Can you imagine that??  A DOCTOR that makes phone calls with test results???

Therefore I dub thee: Dr. Freakin’ Awesome!  From now on, that shall be how I refer to the MFM doc.  I wish I could have him for all of my ob/gyn, infertility, MFM related appointments…

Anyway, he called me this morning on my way to work (DH was driving luckily so I could take the call).  My über blood work came back (really quickly too, as I though it’d be late next week before I heard anything).  He said everything came back normal except the MTHFR – basically it means that my body doesn’t hold on to folic acid (which is a tiny bit important when trying to create and sustain a life…).  It also can cause clotting problems that can lead to miscarriage.  He thinks however (and he told me this when I met him the first time) that my 2 losses had just been bad luck and it didn’t seem there was anything particular that led to the losses.

He’s going to send me in for one more test…some sort of enzyme.  I don’t recall the name (I’ll tell you when I get my requisition form).  He’s also giving me copies of ALL of my test results, in case I ever move or get a new doctor so I don’t have to repeat the tests!  Did I mention how freakin’ awesome Dr. Freakin’ Awesome is??  Cause, well…he is!  My DH is heading down there after lunch to get my results and the blood work order form.

So…what is the next step?  I will be adding a folic acid supplement to my daily Metformin and Prenatal.  Also I will start taking 1 baby aspirin a day.  So that’s a total of 6 pills a day!  Oh well…if it gets me my baby in the end it is absolutely worth it!!!

Can I just tell you all how happy I am right now???  It sucks that there is so much wrong with me, and that it’s been a constant battle with my body and doctors these past 3 yrs, 3 mo – but now there is a better answer, and a way to deal with it that just may work.  Now with the combo of my Metformin (so I am FINALLY able to ovulate on my own) and the Folic Acid/baby aspirin (to keep my baby once s/he is concieved), this just may work out!!  A huge swell of hope has hit me again, and it was MUCH needed!!

I emailed my best friend yesterday because I’ve been having such a hard time the past month with all of this.  Baby announcements, births, preggo bellies everywhere and nothing for me but empty arms where my 2 little ones should be.  It hit me hard yesterday…if you’re on twitter, you probably saw my Infertility Pity Party tweets all day…it was a rough one.  But, now today!  I have hope again, something which is desperately needed.  This just might work…

quick update…

It’s CD14.  Nothing new to really report.  I started OPK’s this morning.  1st one is negative, though there was a faint line, so I guess it should be here soon!  Still waiting to hear from the MFM doc.  He said it’d be about 2 weeks for results and it’s only been 1.

If you have a moment, please swing over to Pitter Patter and offer your condolences to Clare and Mr. T who just found out that they lost their 1st pregnancy at 8 wks.  It’s heart breaking when a fellow IF sister looses a child.  It’s not enough that we have to go through the battle of getting pregnant, but to have so many losses among us is just cruel.

WHAT THE *F* UTAH!!!

You may have noticed that I usually use all lower case letters in my titles for blog posts, but I think this post deserved all caps (credit to TTCargh for posting this link on Twitter)…

Apparently Utah is trying to pass a law that could charge women with homicide if they miscarry.  HOMICIDE!!!!!  Are you kidding me?????  Please click the link to read the article yourself.  I can’t even tell you how LIVID this article makes me.  Sure, it seems they are trying to aim the law at women who intentionally cause a miscarriage, but I think it is a slippery slope.  Given that line of reasoning, it could be extrapolated that women with known fertility issues could be charged.  I mean we do have a higher risk of miscarriage, so I guess if you really wanted to take it as far as possible, if I were living in Utah and this law were passes, I could be charged with 2 counts of homicide.

Given that there is sadly such a high percentage of pregnancy loss, especially in the first trimester, I think they are going to have a lot of cases on there hands.  All this law will do is tie up the prosecutors with needless cases, instead of dealing with ones that are really important!  If they want to truly enforce it, they’d have to investigate every miscarriage to see if there was any “wrong doing” on the part of the mother.

ARGHH  I’m seriously fuming over this, I can’t even get the words out to express the rage.

A quote from the article from (someone named) Dan Savage: “If every miscarriage is a potential homicide, how does Utah avoid launching a criminal investigation every time a woman has a miscarriage? […] And how is Utah supposed to know when a pregnant woman has had a miscarriage? You’re going to have to create some sort of pregnancy registry to keep track of all those fetuses, Utah. Perhaps you could start issuing “conception certificates” to women who get pregnant? And then, if there isn’t a baby within nine months of the issuance of a conception certificate, the woman could be hauled in for questioning and she could be indicted for criminal homicide if it’s determined that she intentionally or accidentally induced a miscarriage.”

Yup…exactly.  It’s going to take up time, money, and be completely pointless.  Of all the states that could have made this law, I’m not surprised it’s Utah.  I usually have nothing bad to say about the Mormon church in general.  I’ve known many Mormons and I’ve found them to be nothing but kind individuals.  I may not agree with their theology, but it doesn’t stop me from recognizing them as decent people who have just as much right as anyone else to worship and believe as they want.  Of course, in EVERY religion (there are no exclusions that I’ve found in my life/studies), there are those who take it too far.  I think this is one of those instances.  The state of Utah has many Mormon citizens, and it appears that those in the extremes are trying to punish women for something they may or may not have control over.

I also normally don’t comment on the abortion issue.  I don’t know exactly what to call myself.  I believe any sort of death is needless and wrong, but on the other hand, I know there are times when it is needed.  Technically, the d&c I had is a form of abortions.  Yes, my child was already gone, but the procedure is the same.  There are cases where the mother’s life is in danger, or in the case of multiples, one or more of the babies is at risk.  There are many other times or situations that I’m not going to get into.  Ultimately, I do believe it is up to the parents, but I don’t get into it, because it’s not a decision that effects me.  I’m sorry if I’m getting into a touchy subject and making people uncomfortable, it’s why I don’t normally talk about it – but I think it plays into this article.  It seems that Utah is trying to punish women who, because of family, religion, etc do not have the option to go for an abortion, try to handle things on there own in a relatively safe manor (as apposed to clothes hangers, back alley abortions, etc).  While I don’t get into abortion as a government issue, in this case trying to pass laws to punish women for something they may not have had control over (losing a baby in a car accident for instance) is utterly and completely wrong.

Oi!!  Okay, I’ve gotten some of that out of my system.  I may not have said it clearly or expressed it correctly, but I got it out.  Again, I apologize for perhaps getting too political (I hate doing that), but like I said, in this case I think it was called for.  Please don’t come after me for that!  Hopefully you can see the anger and that it is placed in the right place.

we are so done…

So, remember a few posts back when I talked about my awful miscarriage followup appointment with my ob/gyn?  You know, where they didn’t look at the chart and see I had miscarried and started treating me like a pre-natal patient?  Well, it turns out there was a reason for that…

I looked at my phone this morning and saw I had missed a call earlier today from my ob/gyn office.  I figured they were calling to yell at me for not getting my blood work done yet (we did try to go Friday, but it was closed…).  I listened to the message and it said, “This is Dr. T’s office.  I noticed that we don’t have your next appointment down on the books.  I don’t know if we just forgot to put it in or if you haven’t scheduled one yet.  Please call me back.”  Immediately, my blood began to boil.  I just knew – I KNEW – that they still thought I was pregnant.

I called back and actually got the receptionist (usually I have to leave a message, then call back later when they don’t return my call).  It was even the woman who had left the message for me.  Conversation was something like this:

Her: Hi!  I’m the one that called you!

Me: Yeah, why did you call me?

Her: We seem to have either forgotten to write your next appointment down or we didn’t schedule one.

Me: I don’t understand.  Why do I need an appointment?

Her: Aren’t you pregnant?

Me: *cleansing breath so I don’t go ALL out on her* No I miscarried.

Her: Oh, um…

Me: This is the SECOND time this has happened and it’s getting very frustrating!

Her: I’m sorry, no one seems to have written that in the computer or on your chart.  I’ll be sure to do that.

Me: Thanks *hangs up phone*

I can’t BELIEVE they didn’t write it down!!!  At least I know what happened with my last appointment, the nurse couldn’t have looked at my chart to know what I was there for – BECAUSE THE DAMN DOCTOR NEVER WROTE IT DOWN!!!!!  I’m so over you Dr. Tam.  We are done – through, over, Elvis has left the building and he ain’t comin’ back!

I try not to name my doctors on this blog, but seriously, if you’re in the Chicago area, DON’T go see Dr. Teresa Tam!!  I’ve had nothing by awkward or bad experiences there.  I was never comfortable with her.  I’m in the market people, lookin’ for a new doctor.  Who can treat me the way I deserve to be treated.  Someone who can be sensitive to my needs, to my wants and desires…

Wait, that’s starting to sound like a personal add!  I guess that’s what I need to write though!

WANTED: A doctor who knows about PCOS and it’s complications.  A doctor who will treat me like a person, not a number.  A doctor who will read my chart BEFORE entering the room, and also to WRITE DOWN important information IN my chart.  Someone I don’t have to explain my entire history to every time I go in, because they’ve read my chart and know it!

Okay, my venting is out.  Seriously though, if you ARE in the Chicago area and have a good recommendation for me, let me know!

mfm update and the loss…

Hey all…sorry it’s been a while since I updated. It’s been a hectic week, and I just haven’t taken the time to get it all down.

On Tuesday I went in to see the MFM. He confirmed the miscarriage (not that there was any doubt) and then spent some time talking to me. He doesn’t think there is any reason why I can’t carry a child full term. After taking my history, the scan and looking at records from my other doctors he said he believes that I’ve just had bad luck that past 2 times. That for my 2 pregnancies unfortunately the egg that has fertilized have had some sort of genetic defect and so they did not work out. He said this happens sometimes and there’s no reason to think it will continue to happen. I am having some blood testing done, but it’s mainly just to rule out things like Thyroid problems and diabetes. He wasn’t really convinced I even needed the blood testing done, but since I’ve never been tested for these problems before (really, shouldn’t my fertility clinic have done this???) he said it would be a good idea. I am to go in 8 weeks after the miscarriage is over, get the testing, and he will get the results about a week or two after that and then call and discuss it with me. He recommended staying on the metformin since it did work.

He actually knows the doctor I had at the fertility clinic. He said, “Oh, I’m sure he tested for thyroid problems and these other things before he started your treatment, they always do that.” I couldn’t remember that ever being done, so we had my files faxed over, and sure enough, they never tested for ANY of the things the MFM wanted me checked for. I get more and more frustrated with that place the more I learn. They diagnosed me PCOS, but never mentioned Metformin. I went in with fertility issues, and they never checked, what I’ve gleaned to be, some major causes of infertility. They didn’t even want to figure out what was wrong with me when I first went in. My doctor wanted to jump straight to IVF. At that point, we’d been trying on our own for a year with no luck. I was very frustrated that they didn’t even want to see if there was something wrong with me before they jumped straight to the end of the road! I had to be very insistent that I wanted all of the diagnostic work done BEFORE and course of treatments. Obviously, they didn’t do that. It’s very frustrating that we all have to go through all this crap and basically teach ourselves about the world of IF and ART’s in order to make sure that we are getting proper treatment! After 3 years of this I would be a much better patient going into that clinic now. I’d know what they were doing, I’d know what I needed and I’d be able to ask the right questions. I really do think the 2 years and X number of dollars I spent at that place were almost a complete waste. The only thing that ever came out of that was my first pregnancy, my Declan. Even though I lost him, I wouldn’t trade the time I had with him for the world.

Or with Sophie for that matter. Yesterday I took the day off of work. Wednesday night I started bleeding and passing tissue. I knew I was in for a lot more on Thursday so I took the day off. I thought I was getting off pretty easy because the cramping was not too painful and everything seemed to be going okay. At around 4 pm however, I realized the worst was just beginning. I spent about an hour in terrible pain, crying and throwing up. It was just as bad as I remembered it being at the hospital the first time, only then I had IV pain meds to help out a bit. I won’t get into too many details, but today I think it’s pretty much over. I haven’t passed any tissue since late last night, the cramping is mostly gone and I only have a bit of bleeding now.

I’m glad that it is finally over. I of course am devastated that I lost my child, but I think anyone who has lost a child will tell you, you just want it over at that point. It’s heartbreaking to know you are carrying your child, but it is no long living with you, growing and being nourished by you. With both of my little ones I carried them for 3 weeks after they had already left me.

This means too that I can start the 8 week count down until my blood tests. We are not supposed to try until after the results are in. When he told me that I almost started crying in the office. I had been able to hold it all in until he told me it would be another 2 or 3 months until we could try again. I know it’s for a good reason, and hopefully we’ll be able to use the results to prevent future losses, but it’s going to be a long 3 months.

I want to thank all of you for your love and support through all of this. All of the comments on the last post were a blessing to me and my husband. I don’t know what I would do with out this community to talk with and support. Blessing does not even begin to cover it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

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