awards…

Seems I’ve been nominated for some awards!  Wow – yay!  So I’m going to take some time today to post them and nominate some more people, as I won’t really have much to report until Thursday afternoon…so here we go!

This award is from Still Waiting For My Sunshine – Thank you!!!  I’ve just recently found her blog, but I’m glad I did.  It helps to be able to read about people going through the same crap that I am, and for the same reasons.  Us PCOS girls have got to stick together!  Thank you so much and I love ya!

iloveyourblog

The rules for this award are simple.  I LOVE YOU=8 letters which gives you 8 rules  :
1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award and write a little bit about why you love them.
2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4-Nominate no more than 17 people (why 17?) who you love or you think could use some love.
5-Write one word (you can only use a word once) about what you love about their blog.
6-You cannot nominate someone who has already been nominated-the love has to spread to all.
7-Post links to the 17 blogs you nominate.
8-Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.

So my awards go to:

1. SusQ -Best-Friend

2. Maybe Baby? -Honesty

3. Infertile Myrtle -Hope

4. The Big “IF” – Understanding

5. 2 of a Kind – supportive

6. Mommyland – Inspiring

7. IF Optimist – Cute

8. Fertility Chick – Fun

9. Birds and Squirrels – Informative

This award is from Infertile Myrtle – thanks so much!

award

Here are the rules:
1. You can only use one word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers.
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Survey
1. Where is your cell phone? desk
2. Your hair? red
3. Your mother? interesting
4. Your father? strong
5. Your favorite food? chicken
6. Your dream last night? none
7. Your favorite drink? milk
8. Your dream/goal? baby
9. What room are you in? office
10. Your hobby? sewing
11. Your fear? alone
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy
13. Where were you last night? Abbey’s
14. Something that you aren’t? hopeless
15. Muffins? blueberry
16. Wish list item? baby
17. Where did you grow up? Minnesota
18. Last thing you did? drive
19. What are you wearing? brown
20. Your TV? nice
21. Your pets? dogs
22. Friends? awesome
23. Your life? good
24. Your mood? anxious
25. Missing someone? yes
26. Vehicle? corolla
27. Something you’re not wearing? gloves
28. Your favorite store? Target
29. Your favorite color? green
30. When was the last time you laughed? morning
31. Last time you cried? yesterday
32. Your best friend? awesome
33. One place that I go to over and over? home
34. One person who e-mails me regularly? Justin
35. Favorite place to eat? Sabai Dee

nominating these bloggers…

1. All My Pretty Ones

2. CeCe

3. Bottoms Off…

4. BlondeDawn

5. Still Waiting…

6. Broken Baby Making Machine

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let’s get this party started…

Just called in to my gynecologist. Set up an appointment for November 5th for a consultation (I’m very happy she had an opening so soon, she’s usually pretty booked up). I’m intending to ask her to put me on Metformin. I’ve just recently discovered (as in, yesterday) that Metformin is a common treatment for women with PCOS. That would have been nice to know 3 YEARS AGO!! Not that I’m angry…it’s just that I’ve been going to a fertility clinic for almost 2 years now and this drug was never even MENTIONED to me! Forget the fact that it could have regulated my cycles, or had me ovulating on my own w/o shots, or even the fact that it seems every other woman diagnosed as PCOS has been prescribed Metformin…forget all that. What MOST upsets me is that this drug is also given to women with PCOS in their 1st trimester to guard against miscarriage. If I had been given this drug, if I had even KNOWN about this drug, my little Zippy may have been born this month, instead of dying in March. That’s what pisses me off the most!

Hopefully my OB/GYN will listen to me and agree that I should try Metformin. The hubby and I talked last night and seemed to agree that we could do the Metformin alone for a few months and if nothing happens naturally, try IUI on Metformin one more time at our fertility clinic. Either way, this is the first breath of hopeful air I’ve had all month and it feels good. Drowning in the darkness of depression is no fun. I much prefer the bobbing up and down in a sea of hopefulness – at least I’m not below water any more!

So – all you Metformin vets, I need your help! I’ve printed off the WebMD article that I linked to above, and also some articles that the blogger Birds and Squirrels linked to in her blog back in April (thanks again to Maybe Baby? for pointing that blog out).  This is all I have right now, but if there is any info you think would be helpful in pleading my case to my doctor, I’d very much appreciate it.  Even just your personal stories of using the drug and how it has helped you?  I’d take any advice/help you could offer!  Thanks!

okay, I’m here…

Hey all…I hope you’re still around. I’ve been taking a blogging break, but I’ve still been reading all of my IF blogs daily, sometimes more! I just needed a break from thinking about my own IF for a while.

So, here’s where I’m at. Our last IUI failed. That was the 3rd one after we lost Zippy in March. They say after 3 tries, it’s time to move on to something else. Not only was it our 3rd failed IUI after miscarriage, but I got the news of the BFN 2 days before my due date would have been for our baby. As you can imagine, that has launched me into a pretty spectacular funk. I’m still not out of it. I do my best to put on a happy face throughout the day, and it works, as long as I don’t for a second let my mind wander. My “happy face” mask has to extend also to my brain or it all come crashing down again. Even typing this post is difficult because I’m allowing myself to go “there” – you know, that place where all you can think about is your IF failures and the “what might have been”s. I’m there. I don’t want to be there.

I’m sick of this whole journey. I know it’s building character, and making me stronger, letting me know how much I can deal with and still survive, but if it’s all the same, I’ll give all that character building back if I can please have my baby. Thanks.

I don’t want to deal with this any more, but there is no way out. If I want a child I have to deal with this, and it just so isn’t fair. I’m surrounded by babies, but I can’t have my own and that’s all I want in the world.

The worst part is, we’re at a point now where the only thing we can do is the old fashioned trying to have a baby. We’ve emptied every bank account, begged money off friends and family, taken out loans, gotten as many grants as possible. We’re out. Adoption can’t even be a possibility because the cost is so prohibitive. I’ve got no hope that I will EVER have a child, let alone anytime in the near future. I’ve tried everything I can think of. Thought about cashing out my retirement account that work has for me, but I really can’t do that unless I were to leave my job. That’s another possibility, get hired somewhere else. The state of Illinois is one of the few states that requires jobs to provide IF treatment as part of the Health coverage, that is if you don’t work for a religious institution, which I do. So, if I were to switch jobs, not only would I probably get paid more (which would help) but I’d have IF coverage. But – welcome to our wonderful economy! No one’s hiring. Also I have to worry if it’d be a “pre-exising” condition that wouldn’t be covered anyway. My next option was to get a part time job for nights and weekends and save up for IVF. That failed too – I applied to about 10 places and never heard back from any. I really feel like the world is conspiring against me becoming a mother. I really do.

I don’t know what to do, or where to go. I feel like a boat lost at sea, drifting aimlessly hoping to crash into land, but I’m so far away from the shore I probably won’t survive the journey. Yup, that’s hopelessness folks!

However, my stupid mind got to thinking today. Maybe Baby? was talking on her blog about Metformin and linked to Birds and Squirrels about articles on Metformin. I’ve heard you lovely blog folks mention this med before, but I didn’t know what it did or why one would take it. Turns out, for women with PCOS, it can help regulate cycles and even help ovulation! It has a good percentage to help PCOS women get pregnant even! So of course, I start plotting a new plan. Get my doctor to put me on Metformin, maybe discuss taking baby aspirin, I’ve heard that helps too. Maybe I can even get insurance to cover the drugs some how, since it’s a treatment for a condition I have? I don’t know…will need to talk with doctor about that…then, I guess I could give it a couple months of trying natural? Or, maybe one more IUI shot? Of course after emptying out every ounce of cash we had, we did have another break on the financial front recently that could help for one more try if we wanted to go there. This is giving me things to think about, and actually the first glimmer of hope I’ve had in quite a while…don’t read to much into that though. That glimmer is still miles off in a room full of darkness, but at least it’s a pinpoint of light. I’ve not had that.

Connections…

There seems to be a sort of connection between us all in the IF world.  We have a common story, though some of the details may be different, the general shape of the story is the same.  I’ve made a new IF bloggin connection.  Kate from Maybe Baby? has been leaving comments on my blog posts lately and I spent today reading through her blog from  the first post to the most current post.  I’m sure many of you have experienced the same thing, but it is as if I were reading something I wrote.  Almost every word, every pain, every tear – they are mine as well.

She posted a song in April by Ray Lamontagne called “Let It Be Me”.  It is a song that I’ve been listening to for months on the online radio station I play while at work.  I never grasped the words though.  I read that post and felt the connection.  The connection to her, to the pain, to the words, to us all dealing with miscarriage and infertility.

There may come a time, a time in everyones life
where nothin seems to go your way
where nothing seems to turn out right
there may come a time, you just cant seem to find your way
for every door you walk on to, seems like they get slammed in your face
thats when you need someone, someone that you can call.
and when all your faith is gone
feels like you cant go on
let it be me
if its a friend that you need
let it be me
feels like your always commin on home
pockets full of nothin and you got no cash
no matter where you turn you aint got no place to stand
reach out for something and they slap your hand
now i remember all to well
just how it feels to be all alone
you feel like youd give anything
for just a little place you can call your own
thats when you need someone, someone that you can call
and when all your faith is gone let it be me.

While the song was playing in the background just now as I was working, I was over come with emotion.  Mostly because I all of a sudden realized what I putting myself into this weekend.  My husband and I are heading up to Minnesota for the weekend to see my parents.  It hit me that I have not seen ANY of my family since I had my miscarriage in March.  The last time I saw my family was in February at my mom’s birthday party, and I told them the good news – that I was pregnant.

On Easter Sunday my husband and I were visiting his family.  I called home to wish everyone a Happy Easter.  My grandma got on the phone and I broke into tears at the sound of her voice.  It was very unexpected, and I don’t think she knew it happened.  I will see her this weekend, and I’m not sure how I will deal.

In better news, just now as I was typing this blog and the tears were forming, the phone rang.  It was my nurse at FCI (Fertility Centers of Illinois) where I go for my IF treatments.  I had called earlier to talk about starting up the meds that will bring on my cycle (provera).  I love my nurse there.  She’s been amazing through this whole process.  She was so happy when our IUI worked out and so upset when I told her I had lost the baby.  She is calling into my pharmacy right now to order the meds and I can pick them up tonight!  HUZZAH!!  This post started with me feeling very sad, and I still am, but I’m very glad that it’s ending with some hope…perhaps a sign??