a wonderful opportunity…

So the fertility clinic that I used to go to Fertility Centers of Illinois is offering a WONDERFUL opportunity to someone in Illinois who is struggling with infertility and looking at IVF – a free cycle!!  I wish I would have known of this while I was there, but it’s all good now.

Anyway, they are having a golf fundraiser to raise money to help couples afford IVF.  You can apply to receive this amazing gift – simply click here to be taken to the fundraiser’s web page, and then click on the application link.  That simple!  I hope this reaches someone in Illinois that this could really help to reach our ultimate goal: a baby in our arms.  Good Luck!

interesting news…

So in trying to get prepared for my meeting with the gynecologist next Thursday I called my nurse at FCI to get my PCOS diagnosis results faxed over so I could take them in to the appointment.  She gathered together the info and explained it to me over the phone yesterday before she faxed it, which was nice.  I now know that my PCOS diagnosis was not just a shot in the dark (they never properly explained it all to me until now, when I asked about it…guess that shows you really need to be an active participant in this whole process!!).  I DEFINITELY have PCOS.  I want to help any of you out there who may not be sure what that all entails, so this is what my nurse explained to me:

1) Antral Follicle count greater than 24 (mine for the past few checks were 40, 35, 27, 35)

2) Irregular Menstrual cycles (Yup, check…)

3) “Pearl Necklace” appearance to ovaries  (this means there are small, pearl like bumps surrounding your ovaries)

4) High androgens (shown through physical appearance and blood tests)

5) LH to FSH ratios should be 1:1 (mine are not…one test was FSH 3.20 and LH 0.842)

So, now that I KNOW my diagnosis better, I feel better prepared to go into my appointment with test results, articles and determination at hand!  I’m really not anticipating much of a fight, but I’m ready if I have to!

But that’s not the interesting news…after explaining it all to me she said she had a question for me.  She wanted to know if we have ever considered IVF.  I told her we are very open to it, but the cost is just too prohibitive.  She then informed me that the clinic is doing a trial for PCOS patients to do IVF at a reduced cost and that she had spoken with the nurse in charge to get us into the trial if we want.  I told her if it was very reduced we would definitely be interested.  So, she faxed over my info and went off to talk to the nurse in charge of the trial.

About 15 min later she called back with the info.  Normal IVF cycles at my clinic are $10,500 +meds ($1-2,000).  The trial is cut in half: $5,500 +meds.  Wow.  I love my nurse.  Not only did she think of us when she heard about this trial, but she spoke with the nurse in charge directly and she is waiting for our call to say if we would like to do it.  I *heart* Jaime (my nurse).  The only catch is that we need to get started before December.  And that’s where the bummer part comes in.

The DH and I discussed it last night.  While we would both love to jump on this opportunity (IVF will NEVER be this cheap again), we just won’t have $7,000 by December.  If we had a bit more time to save up we could maybe have done it, but it just isn’t possible right now.  I hate to give up this opportunity, especially since Jaime worked so hard to get us considered for the trial, but there you go.  I’m upset we have to pass it up, but on the other hand I’m doing okay.  If I didn’t have the Metformin option that we’re working on to fall back on I would have pressed a little harder to try and find a way to do the IVF, but we do have the Metformin “safety net” so at least I’m not completely out of options.

That being said, if any of you win the lottery in the next few weeks and want to donate $5,000 to me, I won’t say no!

okay, I’m here…

Hey all…I hope you’re still around. I’ve been taking a blogging break, but I’ve still been reading all of my IF blogs daily, sometimes more! I just needed a break from thinking about my own IF for a while.

So, here’s where I’m at. Our last IUI failed. That was the 3rd one after we lost Zippy in March. They say after 3 tries, it’s time to move on to something else. Not only was it our 3rd failed IUI after miscarriage, but I got the news of the BFN 2 days before my due date would have been for our baby. As you can imagine, that has launched me into a pretty spectacular funk. I’m still not out of it. I do my best to put on a happy face throughout the day, and it works, as long as I don’t for a second let my mind wander. My “happy face” mask has to extend also to my brain or it all come crashing down again. Even typing this post is difficult because I’m allowing myself to go “there” – you know, that place where all you can think about is your IF failures and the “what might have been”s. I’m there. I don’t want to be there.

I’m sick of this whole journey. I know it’s building character, and making me stronger, letting me know how much I can deal with and still survive, but if it’s all the same, I’ll give all that character building back if I can please have my baby. Thanks.

I don’t want to deal with this any more, but there is no way out. If I want a child I have to deal with this, and it just so isn’t fair. I’m surrounded by babies, but I can’t have my own and that’s all I want in the world.

The worst part is, we’re at a point now where the only thing we can do is the old fashioned trying to have a baby. We’ve emptied every bank account, begged money off friends and family, taken out loans, gotten as many grants as possible. We’re out. Adoption can’t even be a possibility because the cost is so prohibitive. I’ve got no hope that I will EVER have a child, let alone anytime in the near future. I’ve tried everything I can think of. Thought about cashing out my retirement account that work has for me, but I really can’t do that unless I were to leave my job. That’s another possibility, get hired somewhere else. The state of Illinois is one of the few states that requires jobs to provide IF treatment as part of the Health coverage, that is if you don’t work for a religious institution, which I do. So, if I were to switch jobs, not only would I probably get paid more (which would help) but I’d have IF coverage. But – welcome to our wonderful economy! No one’s hiring. Also I have to worry if it’d be a “pre-exising” condition that wouldn’t be covered anyway. My next option was to get a part time job for nights and weekends and save up for IVF. That failed too – I applied to about 10 places and never heard back from any. I really feel like the world is conspiring against me becoming a mother. I really do.

I don’t know what to do, or where to go. I feel like a boat lost at sea, drifting aimlessly hoping to crash into land, but I’m so far away from the shore I probably won’t survive the journey. Yup, that’s hopelessness folks!

However, my stupid mind got to thinking today. Maybe Baby? was talking on her blog about Metformin and linked to Birds and Squirrels about articles on Metformin. I’ve heard you lovely blog folks mention this med before, but I didn’t know what it did or why one would take it. Turns out, for women with PCOS, it can help regulate cycles and even help ovulation! It has a good percentage to help PCOS women get pregnant even! So of course, I start plotting a new plan. Get my doctor to put me on Metformin, maybe discuss taking baby aspirin, I’ve heard that helps too. Maybe I can even get insurance to cover the drugs some how, since it’s a treatment for a condition I have? I don’t know…will need to talk with doctor about that…then, I guess I could give it a couple months of trying natural? Or, maybe one more IUI shot? Of course after emptying out every ounce of cash we had, we did have another break on the financial front recently that could help for one more try if we wanted to go there. This is giving me things to think about, and actually the first glimmer of hope I’ve had in quite a while…don’t read to much into that though. That glimmer is still miles off in a room full of darkness, but at least it’s a pinpoint of light. I’ve not had that.