okay, I’m here…

Hey all…I hope you’re still around. I’ve been taking a blogging break, but I’ve still been reading all of my IF blogs daily, sometimes more! I just needed a break from thinking about my own IF for a while.

So, here’s where I’m at. Our last IUI failed. That was the 3rd one after we lost Zippy in March. They say after 3 tries, it’s time to move on to something else. Not only was it our 3rd failed IUI after miscarriage, but I got the news of the BFN 2 days before my due date would have been for our baby. As you can imagine, that has launched me into a pretty spectacular funk. I’m still not out of it. I do my best to put on a happy face throughout the day, and it works, as long as I don’t for a second let my mind wander. My “happy face” mask has to extend also to my brain or it all come crashing down again. Even typing this post is difficult because I’m allowing myself to go “there” – you know, that place where all you can think about is your IF failures and the “what might have been”s. I’m there. I don’t want to be there.

I’m sick of this whole journey. I know it’s building character, and making me stronger, letting me know how much I can deal with and still survive, but if it’s all the same, I’ll give all that character building back if I can please have my baby. Thanks.

I don’t want to deal with this any more, but there is no way out. If I want a child I have to deal with this, and it just so isn’t fair. I’m surrounded by babies, but I can’t have my own and that’s all I want in the world.

The worst part is, we’re at a point now where the only thing we can do is the old fashioned trying to have a baby. We’ve emptied every bank account, begged money off friends and family, taken out loans, gotten as many grants as possible. We’re out. Adoption can’t even be a possibility because the cost is so prohibitive. I’ve got no hope that I will EVER have a child, let alone anytime in the near future. I’ve tried everything I can think of. Thought about cashing out my retirement account that work has for me, but I really can’t do that unless I were to leave my job. That’s another possibility, get hired somewhere else. The state of Illinois is one of the few states that requires jobs to provide IF treatment as part of the Health coverage, that is if you don’t work for a religious institution, which I do. So, if I were to switch jobs, not only would I probably get paid more (which would help) but I’d have IF coverage. But – welcome to our wonderful economy! No one’s hiring. Also I have to worry if it’d be a “pre-exising” condition that wouldn’t be covered anyway. My next option was to get a part time job for nights and weekends and save up for IVF. That failed too – I applied to about 10 places and never heard back from any. I really feel like the world is conspiring against me becoming a mother. I really do.

I don’t know what to do, or where to go. I feel like a boat lost at sea, drifting aimlessly hoping to crash into land, but I’m so far away from the shore I probably won’t survive the journey. Yup, that’s hopelessness folks!

However, my stupid mind got to thinking today. Maybe Baby? was talking on her blog about Metformin and linked to Birds and Squirrels about articles on Metformin. I’ve heard you lovely blog folks mention this med before, but I didn’t know what it did or why one would take it. Turns out, for women with PCOS, it can help regulate cycles and even help ovulation! It has a good percentage to help PCOS women get pregnant even! So of course, I start plotting a new plan. Get my doctor to put me on Metformin, maybe discuss taking baby aspirin, I’ve heard that helps too. Maybe I can even get insurance to cover the drugs some how, since it’s a treatment for a condition I have? I don’t know…will need to talk with doctor about that…then, I guess I could give it a couple months of trying natural? Or, maybe one more IUI shot? Of course after emptying out every ounce of cash we had, we did have another break on the financial front recently that could help for one more try if we wanted to go there. This is giving me things to think about, and actually the first glimmer of hope I’ve had in quite a while…don’t read to much into that though. That glimmer is still miles off in a room full of darkness, but at least it’s a pinpoint of light. I’ve not had that.

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tick tock tick tock…

The 2ww is on. We had IUI on Saturday and Sunday mornings. Started my Endometrium this morning. Everything went well. Had and interesting nurse on Saturday. VERY chatty. Also, right before the procedure she said “I’ll step out so you can undress. If you have to use the bathroom, don’t yet. It makes it easier for me.” When I told her it was too late I had already gone, she seemed upset. She then went off about how she always sends memo’s around about this and everyone ignores her. I was left feeling that she was mad that I had not read her memo – you know, the one she sends to the WORKERS in the clinic. How was I as a patient supposed to read her memo?? Anyway…she did her thing. I was very quick. I call her now the whirlwind nurse, because the whole thing took her about 20 seconds and she was talking the whole time about random stuff. She didn’t even warn me when the speculum was going in. All of a sudden I was like “Oh! I guess we’re starting now!” Anyway, the husband’s count was good that day…after the wash it was about 35 million.

Day 2, I got the lovely Carol who we have had before. Unfortunately because it was Sunday my husband couldn’t stay around for the procedure. He did his thing and then had to leave for church, as he was part of the service. It was the first time I’ve done and IUI alone. It was quite a different experience. I wish he could have been there, but I understand why he couldn’t. Love you honey! So…his count that day was crazy! 117 million!!! There was something like 74% motility, so it was really only about 86 million, but that is still a lot! Ladies…my husband is beyond fertile. Seriously. It make me feel bad sometimes that if he had married someone else, he’d have about 50 kids by now. But I’m glad he married me, and he is with me on this whole journey.

So, now we’re waiting. I’m hopeful for this cycle…I have to be, it could be the last one. So I’m very nervous, too. Guess we’ll find out in 2 weeks…

TICK
TOCK
TICK
TOCK
TICK
TOCK
TICK…

nervous…

Had another u/s today to check my follicles. Laverne at last check had one at 15, that was the biggest. Today I went in (after 2 more days of Bravelle, dose of 75) and Laverne’s biggest follicle was 16.5. Hmm….that makes me REALLY nervous that they’ll cancel this cycle. They can’t do that. They just can’t. We’ve put so much money into this cycle already because they’ve done so many u/s checks that we just don’t have enough for another full cycle. We have enough to finish this one out, but that’s probably about it. I knew I should have said something when the nurse told me to do 75 of the Brevelle. I’ve NEVER responded well to a dose that low, and they’ve had be do that 3 times this cycle. No wonder it’s taking so long! I’m really hoping that they’ll say take a higher dose tonight (like 225??) and then do the Ovadril shot tomorrow, IUI on Friday and Saturday. I know they like to have the follicles about 18-20mm. I’m so close! I’m going to try my hardest to convince them to try the IUI this cycle if they attempt to cancel on me…it’s worth a shot if it’s the only one I have left. Better to try at least.

I’ll post more this afternoon when I hear from the clinic…

still a bit sluggish…

It seems like these damn things are taking forever to grow…follicles that is. I’m on CD12 and they are still not ready for me! My last IUI cycle I only had to go in for 3 blood work and u/s checks. Come this Wednesday it’ll be #4. “Righty” (let’s call her Laverne from now on) has a 15, 14.5 & 11.5 size follicles. “Lefty” (aka: Shirley) has one at a size 10. I’m a bit nervous that Laverne is the one that’s pulling through. She’s the one that had the biggest follicles with the last IUI attempt and it was a big flop on that one. When I got pregnant with Zippy, it was Shirley that supplied the egg for him/her. I’ve heard that a woman tends to favor one side over the other when it comes to makin’ babies. Anyone know if this is actually true? Can it switch sides or is it always from one particular side? It seems like with my first 2 IUI’s it was the left, and now the last one and this one it’s been on the right.

Got a different tech today…the one I like the best. Very nice, and sometimes asks if I want to help her guide the “probe”. At least then I can say no and she can do it herself. I didn’t like her at first, but that may have been slightly biased since the first few times she gave me the ultrasound check ups she was pregnant. There really is nothing like being in an infertility clinic, trying your hardest to get pregnant by any means, and having a big old pregnant belly rubbing against your legs while you’re in the stirrups. Yup. I told my husband at one point that pregnant women should not be allowed to work at RE clinics. I was only half joking though…half.

Anyway, 75 tonight and tomorrow on the Bravelle, then back bright and early on Wed for another check. LET’S GO LAVERNE!!!

a practice run…

That’s apparently what my first pregnancy was, according to my lab tech…a practice run.

Went in today for 3rd blood woork and u/s. Got the chatty tech (I hate getting her. She’s good, but I don’t really want to sit there and talk about how beautiful my lining is). Anyway, She’s measuring and chatting along and here was where the conversation (by conversation I mean her talking at me while I’m trying to concentrate on not jumping out of the stirrups every time she digs the wand in) turns:

Tech: We’re just looking for one good follicle, that’s all you need.
Me: Mmm…(sure lady, just do your thing and get me on to the blood people)
Tech: You’ve been pregnant before right.
Me: Yes (thanks for continually bringing that up. I really love talking about my lost child)
Tech: How many follicles did you have for that?
Me: I don’t recall (seriously, let’s just get this over with!)
Tech: Well, let’s try and get you that way again. That was your practice run!
Me: *blankly stares at tech and blinks*

WHAT THE F*CK?!?!?!?!?! In what twisted time/place would it EVER be okay to say something like that to a woman who had lost a child? Let alone in a freakin’ INFERTILITY CLINIC!!!!!!! Am I wrong here? Am I over reacting?? I don’t think so. Never, never, EVER call my child a practice run!!!!!! I was so shocked that she had said that, I didn’t even know what to do. I went into the restroom to get redressed and I just teared up. I wish I would have had the presence of mind to say something to her. Anything:

“I’m sorry? What did you just call my child? I don’t think so!”
“A practice run? A PRACTICE RUN?? I’ll show you a practice run!!!”
“Excuse me, could you never, ever refer to a lost baby as a practice run…ever…to anyone?”

You know, something like that. Then, I’m already in a bad mood from that and go up to the sign out counter. This is where break downs usually happen, because it’s where the money handling is done. We have a credit on our account due to a medical loan we got. This credit is dwindling, but there should be a bit left in there. Apparently however, it take 2 weeks for charges to be processed and for the actual amount of our credit to show up on our forms at the office. The lady at the desk said, “I can’t tell how much is in there, and probably won’t for 2 weeks. I suggest you pay us now and then we can reimburse you.” As if it’s that easy! We just don’t have the spare money to be throwing around and waiting for a reimbursement check that may never come. The whole point of this loan was to have money there so we didn’t have to deal with this sh*t every time we go in. It was supposed to relieve our stress, not cause more. I asked if I could call the billing dept. and get an accurate count. “You could call them, but they may not know until Monday, and everything may not have been processed yet.” Great. The billing dept. doesn’t even know what’s going on. Great system they have working here! I was told that the clinic would always be able to tell what my credit on my account was. So much for that. So now I have to go through the headache calling the billing dept, explaining my whole situation to the receptionist, hopefully get transferred to someone who can understand my dilemma, and explain it all to them again! I usually have to go through this about 3 or 4 time before I get someone who can actually help me. I have a guy who helped me last time. He gave me his name and told me to ask for him if we ever have trouble. Thanks guy…but I don’t remember your name. Crap. Did I blog about him? I hope…I’ll have to go back through my archives and see if I listed his name.

Of course, the very helpful receptionist at the billing dept always starts with one question. “What insurance company do you use?” Um…yeah. I tell her the name of my company, but that the rep for them can’t help me, as my insurance doesn’t cover anything, and that’s not what this is about anyway. Then she gets flustered and has no idea who to transfer me to. You’d think she’d be used to dealing with women with no IF insurance. I’m certainly not the ONLY one at that clinic paying out of pocket! Am I? No…I know I’m not.

So…I left the clinic and drove to work. As usual on appointment days, I got here an hour early. We have to schedule early morning appointments so I don’t miss any more work that is absolutely necessary. I spoke with my boss about why I’d been missing so much (which I REALLY didn’t want to do) because he had made a comment about it at one point. So now, apparently for my IUI days, he wants me to take them as personal days. Too bad I’m out now. So, instead of resting and letting the little swimmers do there thing, I will have to come in to work. Damn.

Anyway…got off track there for a second. So, I got to work an hour early. Upset and crying. I decided that I couldn’t just sit in my office and read for the hour. I went for a walk. A very LONG walk. About 2 miles actually. I needed to just clear my head. It was great – except I was wearing bad shoes for urban hiking and now I’ve given myself blisters and rubbed the skin off one spot on the top of my foot. But I’m glad I took the walk. I needed it.

So…that’s my day. I’ll update when I hear from the nurse as to the next step of this whole damn process.

sleepy follicles…

So had my 2nd appointment for this cycle this morning. In and out…no crazy stories this time.

Got the call from the nurse a bit ago, and it seems my follicles want to be sluggish this go round. Damn them. Although, the tech I had this morning only measure 2 of them, so I kind of wonder if that’s part of the reason they think I’m having trouble? Anyway…

I have 2 main follicles at 8mm a piece, which I don’t think is too bad. I’m on CD7, so if they grow 2mm a day, that puts me around 20mm on CD13, which would be great for a “normal” person and excellent for me, so I’m not sure what they think the problem is…

Anyway, I usually do a dose of 150 of Bravelle every night during my IUI cycles. Tonight they want me to up it to 225…that’s 3 vials of the precious, expensive (though very happily donated by my amazingly wonderful nurse) meds…Then 150 tomorrow night and back bright and early on Friday for another blood work and u/s.

Hopefully the little buggers will be appeased by this increased offering of Brevelle tonight and decide to expand to their full growth soon, then we can do this IUI and commence the 2ww. We’ll see. I have hope for this cycle, I really do: grow damn you!

son of a…

Yup…AF just showed up. WTF?? Since when does she come on her own in less than 3 months!?! You know what this means though…it means I ovulated this cycle. Normally, that would make me overjoyed, but the husband and I did the BD (baby dance) very few times because of my damn freakin’ fraken’ staph infection!!!!!!!!!!!!! It may have worked naturally this time, but instead I had to go and get that, missing my chance. Anger. Rage.

Okay, now that that’s over with, I’m ecstatic. This means I can start the IUI cycle much earlier than I had anticipated! On the other hand though, I still have the packing in from the infecting…I was hoping that would be gone before we started this process. There’s no way of know when it’ll come out, because we don’t know how much packing they put in there at the ER. Well, all I can do is call my nurse, tell her what’s going on and hope for the go ahead.

Yay for saving money on cycle inducing meds! Boo for ovulating and not being able to do anything about it! Yay for starting the IUI process earlier than anticipated!! Boo for still having do deal with this damn infection.

This folks, is my life. Please 2010, bring me some better f-ing luck!

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