facing fear again…

On Sunday, June 6th I took a pregnancy test.  It was positive.  My first response?  I broke into tear – I was terrified.  Scared that I would again loose my baby again.  Of course, I was happy, too, that I was pregnant again and had a chance, but the fear was there.

I called my MFM doctor on Monday, June 7th and set up a 1st ultrasound for June 25th.  Called my ob/gyn and set up an appointment for July 12th (after lots of phone calls, being told I’d need to see a different doctor because she was booked up and talking directly with her nurse, that’s a whole different story that I’m not gonna go into right now though).  Tuesday, June 8th I decided that it was too long of a wait and wanted to do some beta tests.  I spoke with my ob doc and beta tests were set for that Thursday and Saturday.

Beta #1 (20 dpo) -1950

Beta #2 (22 dpo) – 3376

Good numbers right?  I began to rest a bit easier, that I’d at least make it to my first appointment.

Monday, June 14th I woke up to spotting.  Not much, just a bit on the TP, but enough to make my heart drop.  Called my ob and she told me to move my MFM appointment up to the end of the week if possible, sent me in for a beta test that day.  MFM appointment was switched to that Friday, the 18th.

Beta #3 (24 dpo) – 5999

Progesterone: 10.4

I was told that my progesterone was a bit low and to ask the MFM doctor about it at my appointment.  I told the nurse over the phone that I still had some progesterone inserts from when I was going through treatments and asked if I should use those.  She gave me a very definitive no, that I should ask the MFM doc what to do.  Spotting continued throughout the week, but still very little, and no cramping.

Friday, I go to the MFM doctor for my first u/s…hoping that the baby is big enough to see a heartbeat, and that it even has a heartbeat.  I’m guessing I’m about 6wks (based on when I ovulated).  The u/s starts, and I just can tell it’s not good news.  I see no little flickering.  The doctor doesn’t say a word.  At one point he grabs my hand and holds me on my wrist.  At first I think he’s trying to comfort me, but then I realized he was probably checking my pulse for some reason?  He asks if I’m sure on the date of my last period.  I tell him yes, but my ovulation was late, so I’m not as far along as the stupid pregnancy wheel says I am.  He says okay, we’ll need to check and the u/s is over.

The nurse leaves the room and we talk.  He tells me that yes, there is a pregnancy there, but that it is too small to detect a heartbeat.  He pulls out the wheel again and, basing on my ovulation, says I’m somewhere in the 5 + week point.  He says we will try again in one week.  He also tells me that either the baby is too small to see the heart beat, or I am having a miscarriage.  There is no way to tell yet.  Then he points to the pictures on the screen and shows me that there are 2 sacs – two.  The 2nd is underdeveloped and he says that could be what’s causing the bleeding.  So I go back this Friday, June 25th, to see what’s going on.

I told him about the low progesterone and that I had some inserts, asked if I should use them, and that the nurse had told me not too.  He said I should absolutely use them and asked why the nurse had told me not too.  Very good question doctor, wish I knew.

Of course, as soon as I left the appointment, my spotting turned from just a bit on the TP to a full flow.  Figures.  It had been all pink & brown up until that point, but that day, it was bright red.  It has since slowed down again and no longer red.  I’m hoping that it was from the ultrasound wand, it was a pretty aggressive examination, but honestly, I don’t have much hope at this point.

When I got my first 2 beta numbers, my brain started thinking twins, they just seemed so high for so early on.  Guess I was right, but no longer.  If nothing else, I have lost one, and possibly I have lost both.  I have to wait again, until Friday to find out – hopefully we’ll know then.

I called the ob doc on Friday to tell her what happened at the u/s and request more beta tests for this week.  She was not in (she only in on Mondays & Fridays, and apparently has a lot of vacation the next few weeks…), so the nurse said, “Oh, I’m sure your MFM doctor will talk to her Monday and she’ll want to do 2 more beta draws.  She’ll call you then.”  I highly doubt that.  I will be calling back today.

So – that’s the story so far.  That’s why I haven’t been blogging.  I really wanted to tell you all, but there are IRL people who read my blog, and I needed to make sure to contact certain people to tell them what was going on before they read about it on the blog – it’s just how it is.

Now my story is out there.  I’m still spotting, still have no cramping.  I know I’ve lost one baby, and think I’ve lost another.  I’m not sure where to go next.  I’ve always wanted twins.  Maybe someday my luck will turn around.  I just can’t believe I’m in this place again.  And that I’m still stuck in this eternal limbo of not knowing.  It’s frustrating and painful.  Last week, I was calm.  Nervous, but accepting of what was happening and what probably would happen.  But now, seeing the u/s, knowing there were 2, but not knowing still what is happening, it really drug me down.  I can’t get back to that hopeful and accepting state I was in last week.  Friday can not come soon enough.

let’s get this party started…

Just called in to my gynecologist. Set up an appointment for November 5th for a consultation (I’m very happy she had an opening so soon, she’s usually pretty booked up). I’m intending to ask her to put me on Metformin. I’ve just recently discovered (as in, yesterday) that Metformin is a common treatment for women with PCOS. That would have been nice to know 3 YEARS AGO!! Not that I’m angry…it’s just that I’ve been going to a fertility clinic for almost 2 years now and this drug was never even MENTIONED to me! Forget the fact that it could have regulated my cycles, or had me ovulating on my own w/o shots, or even the fact that it seems every other woman diagnosed as PCOS has been prescribed Metformin…forget all that. What MOST upsets me is that this drug is also given to women with PCOS in their 1st trimester to guard against miscarriage. If I had been given this drug, if I had even KNOWN about this drug, my little Zippy may have been born this month, instead of dying in March. That’s what pisses me off the most!

Hopefully my OB/GYN will listen to me and agree that I should try Metformin. The hubby and I talked last night and seemed to agree that we could do the Metformin alone for a few months and if nothing happens naturally, try IUI on Metformin one more time at our fertility clinic. Either way, this is the first breath of hopeful air I’ve had all month and it feels good. Drowning in the darkness of depression is no fun. I much prefer the bobbing up and down in a sea of hopefulness – at least I’m not below water any more!

So – all you Metformin vets, I need your help! I’ve printed off the WebMD article that I linked to above, and also some articles that the blogger Birds and Squirrels linked to in her blog back in April (thanks again to Maybe Baby? for pointing that blog out).  This is all I have right now, but if there is any info you think would be helpful in pleading my case to my doctor, I’d very much appreciate it.  Even just your personal stories of using the drug and how it has helped you?  I’d take any advice/help you could offer!  Thanks!

thanks for the info…

So, this day started out great (read some sarcasm into that one folks).  A little background: I work at a church as a secretary.  Part of my job includes showers and lunches for the homeless community in our area.  When I get to work in the morning I open the door and make a list of everyone here to get in line for showers.  I actually love this part of my job and it was a big reason why I wanted it in the first place.

Well, today one of my regulars comes in and walks up to the door, “So – what did you have?”  I kind of look at him blankly and repeat the question back to him.  “Boy or girl?”  Again, blank stare.  I say back, “Boy or girl what?” (stupidly thinking maybe he was referring to my new dog that I brought to work the other day).  He looks at me and says, “Baby!  Weren’t you on maternity leave??”  Punch in the gut folks – that what it felt like.  I explained to him that no, I was not and I do not have a baby.  I wrote his name down and went through the rest of the line.  I had to run to the back room and stock up on towels and as soon as I got in there my eyes misted up.  I don’t know why he would think I was on leave.  I was gone a bit the last 2 weeks due to travel and my staph infection, but no where near enough time for anyone to think it was maternity leave – not to mention the fact that I definitely don’t have a preggo belly.  I’m overweight, but I don’t think it looks like I’m pregnant!  I wonder why he thought that, but it could be that back in February when things were bright and happy he overheard my co-workers and I talking about my Zippy.

So, to make myself feel better (again, sarcasm) I decided to go and check out my Lilypie counter.  I’m sure you all know these.  They’re what pregnant women go and make as soon as they find out they’re preggo and put on their websites so people can see the count down to the due date.  I stupidly made one of these the day I found out I was pregnant.  I never got it up on my blog though, as soon after we decided to start telling people we lost the baby.  So, according to Lilypie, “I am 35 weeks pregnant.  Only 36 days to go.”  I wish.  I’m supposed to be planning out my actual maternity leave – figure out what I need to do to prepare for a sub.  Get the nursery ready.  Prepare for the happiest day of my life.  Instead I feel nothing but pain and loss.  I should be having a baby in a month.  Instead, I’m empty.

My sister-in-law gave birth to a baby girl yesterday.  We were due one month apart.  It was going to be a spectacular end of the year, and a busy one for my mother-in-law!  A happy Christmas with 2 new editions to the family.  I’m so happy for Jen and Josh, that they were able to have their new little one, and that she is here and healthy.  But I also feel pain that I can’t experience that as well.  Instead of 2 little bundles on Christmas, there will only be one, and my arms will ache with emptiness.  Looking at the pictures of my mother-in-law holding little Bella, my heart broke, that I could not give her that same joy, that I may never be able to provide her with another grandchild.

I’m counting down to September 9th, when I can call in for meds to the doctor and get my next cycle started.  I hope this damn cyst is gone.  I hope this time, the IUI works, and I hope if it does, that I can nurture my baby until it grows to full term.  As down as I’m feeling today, I still have a glimmer of hope.  I can’t help it.  It’s the only thing that keeps me going.

I mentioned in a post a few weeks back that I had some friends that were going through a difficult time.  That was for my best friend and her family.  Unfortunately, she has just lost her baby.  I would never wish that kind of pain on anyone, and definitely for my best friend!  She has shared her story on her blog, and if you have a few moments, read through and leave her a comment.  I hope she doesn’t mind that I’m linking to her, but I really think it’ll help if she can hear some encouragement from those of us who have been there.  Love you hun.

Here we go again…

Just got the call.  I take the Ovadril tonight and we have IUI tomorrow (Tuesday) and Wednesday.  YAY!  YIKES!  AHHHH!!  HUZZAH!!!  WHOA!!

Um, yeah…mixed feelings.  VERY VERY VERY FREAKIN happy that this cycle worked and we go to IUI.  I can’t believe it.  VERY VERY VERY FREAKING scared it won’t work this time.  We’ve had 1 IUI cycle so far.  It worked.  Now we’re on number 2.  Can it work again right away?  What if it dosen’t?  My hopes are so high, my hope are so low.  I don’t know what to think or what to do.  Is there anything I can do?  If I eat lots of leafy greens and drink milk and water and avoid all bad food and excersize tonight, will that garuntee a success (I know it won’t, I’m not stupid, but these are the things that go through your head!)???  Oi vey…I’m so nervous/scared/excited about tomorrow and Wednesday.  Please help!  Offer advice.  Offer encouragement…I don’t know.  I need something here!  I’m gonna go crazy until the end of the month when we’ll find out if it worked.  I don’t even want to think about what happens if it dosen’t.  I know what happens.  We’re done.  Out of money, out of hope.  I hate to think like that, but that’s kinda the deal here.  Last time we did IUI, we were in the same boat.  About enough money for a try and a half (which is what we did and it worked).  This time, about enough money for a try.  Here we go!

On the other hand, I can’t imagine what will happen if it does work.  I can’t even wrap my mind about it working again.  I lost my Zippy (what we called our little baby, Zippy the Zygote).  Can I possible have the chance at another child?  Does life work that way?  Does lightening strike twice??  God I hope so.  Please, please, please.

Bah!

Almost to the top of the hill…

Wedding Disc 1 190Went in AGAIN for blood and u/s. Things looking good. Up to 14 1/2! 150 dose for tonight, Sat and Sun. Back on Monday. If everything looks good Monday we can probably plan for IUI on Tuesday and Wednesday!!!!!!! I’m nervous, excited, worried, hopeful, and have zero hope all at the same time. Last time we did this I went in with little to no hope of it working. When I got the call that I was indeed pregnant I was so shocked I could barely speak. I was at work. After the call I ran to the bathroom and cried and prayed in thankfulness. Then I called my husband. I couldn’t wait to tell him in person.

This time I’m more hopeful, because I know it can work. I hate to be hopeful going in though, because when it inevitable doesn’t work I’ll be crushed. The TWW between IUI and blood test is excruciating, as all TWW are (you all know!!). It’ll help that we’ll be moving during that time (hurray, I won’t have to lift heavy things!) and I’ll be busy putting together a new home, so at least I’ll have something to keep me occupied. Sadly though, that 2nd bedroom we fought for because we were supposed to have a baby in October will now be filled with office stuff and overflow storage. Instead of finally being able to put together a nursery I’ll be setting up my old desk and trinkets. Not quite what I was hoping for moving in, but there you go. But maybe….just maybe….we’ll be able to do a nursery at some point in the near future? I know – very dangerous to think like that. I tend to like to prepare for the worst. It makes the blow a bit less – a BIT less – when it does come. Guess we’ll just have to wait and see. I think IF should be renamed: Wait And See. That’s what the whole struggle is. Wait and see if get AF. Wait and see if the dosage is right. Wait and see if you’ve ovulated. Wait and see if you’ll be able to do a procedure, wait and see if it worked…then start the whole process over again. Bah – it’s frustrating! This is why I named this blog “The Long And Winding Road…” not just in tribute to the best band ever (The Beatles) but also because that’s what it is.  The pic above is from my wedding day.  I’ve always called this picture in my head “The Long And Winding Road”.  Little did I know then, almost 4 years ago what that would really mean!  I love my husband very much and if we have to be on this journey, I’m glad it’s him that I’m on it with.