thanks for the info…

So, this day started out great (read some sarcasm into that one folks).  A little background: I work at a church as a secretary.  Part of my job includes showers and lunches for the homeless community in our area.  When I get to work in the morning I open the door and make a list of everyone here to get in line for showers.  I actually love this part of my job and it was a big reason why I wanted it in the first place.

Well, today one of my regulars comes in and walks up to the door, “So – what did you have?”  I kind of look at him blankly and repeat the question back to him.  “Boy or girl?”  Again, blank stare.  I say back, “Boy or girl what?” (stupidly thinking maybe he was referring to my new dog that I brought to work the other day).  He looks at me and says, “Baby!  Weren’t you on maternity leave??”  Punch in the gut folks – that what it felt like.  I explained to him that no, I was not and I do not have a baby.  I wrote his name down and went through the rest of the line.  I had to run to the back room and stock up on towels and as soon as I got in there my eyes misted up.  I don’t know why he would think I was on leave.  I was gone a bit the last 2 weeks due to travel and my staph infection, but no where near enough time for anyone to think it was maternity leave – not to mention the fact that I definitely don’t have a preggo belly.  I’m overweight, but I don’t think it looks like I’m pregnant!  I wonder why he thought that, but it could be that back in February when things were bright and happy he overheard my co-workers and I talking about my Zippy.

So, to make myself feel better (again, sarcasm) I decided to go and check out my Lilypie counter.  I’m sure you all know these.  They’re what pregnant women go and make as soon as they find out they’re preggo and put on their websites so people can see the count down to the due date.  I stupidly made one of these the day I found out I was pregnant.  I never got it up on my blog though, as soon after we decided to start telling people we lost the baby.  So, according to Lilypie, “I am 35 weeks pregnant.  Only 36 days to go.”  I wish.  I’m supposed to be planning out my actual maternity leave – figure out what I need to do to prepare for a sub.  Get the nursery ready.  Prepare for the happiest day of my life.  Instead I feel nothing but pain and loss.  I should be having a baby in a month.  Instead, I’m empty.

My sister-in-law gave birth to a baby girl yesterday.  We were due one month apart.  It was going to be a spectacular end of the year, and a busy one for my mother-in-law!  A happy Christmas with 2 new editions to the family.  I’m so happy for Jen and Josh, that they were able to have their new little one, and that she is here and healthy.  But I also feel pain that I can’t experience that as well.  Instead of 2 little bundles on Christmas, there will only be one, and my arms will ache with emptiness.  Looking at the pictures of my mother-in-law holding little Bella, my heart broke, that I could not give her that same joy, that I may never be able to provide her with another grandchild.

I’m counting down to September 9th, when I can call in for meds to the doctor and get my next cycle started.  I hope this damn cyst is gone.  I hope this time, the IUI works, and I hope if it does, that I can nurture my baby until it grows to full term.  As down as I’m feeling today, I still have a glimmer of hope.  I can’t help it.  It’s the only thing that keeps me going.

I mentioned in a post a few weeks back that I had some friends that were going through a difficult time.  That was for my best friend and her family.  Unfortunately, she has just lost her baby.  I would never wish that kind of pain on anyone, and definitely for my best friend!  She has shared her story on her blog, and if you have a few moments, read through and leave her a comment.  I hope she doesn’t mind that I’m linking to her, but I really think it’ll help if she can hear some encouragement from those of us who have been there.  Love you hun.

the dreaded birthday is past…

So, it’s over.  I’m 29.  I survived.

I was not looking forward to celebrating this birthday.  I’ve had a really crappy year.  Really.  I should be happy to saying goodbye to 28, since it treated me like garbage, but 29 scares me even more.  What if this year is no better?  More setbacks, more heartache.  I really want to hope it’ll be better, that something good will come out of 29, but it’s hard to see that silver lining on the cloud that was 28 sometimes…

I’ve always loved my birthdays and celebrating them.  I usually plan big parties.  This year, I did not.  I did however organize an outing to see the Minnesota Twins with a group of friends that I haven’t seen in a long time.  It was amazing to see them all, and made me miss them even more.  Hopefully someday I won’t live so far from them.  Of course, that would mean living far away from my new friends where I am now.  I’m just going to have to start a commune where we can all live together.

Anyway, I survived.  I have September to *hopefully* look forward to a new IUI cycle, and hope that it’ll work.  October is going to be rough.  I was supposed to be having a baby in early October.  I’ll get through somehow.

Until then, here’s a little video I made of my day at the HHH Metrodome watching the Twins kick some Oriole ass!  Hope you are all doing well…

wishing I “knew” you…

I check the blogs of my IF blogging “friends” at least twice a day, sometimes more.  I check some of them more often when I know something is going on in their IF world, or if they’re expecting results so I can keep up to date with them, offer comments when I feel I can say something, and generally just keep them in my thoughts.  I don’t comment on everyone’s blog (sorry), but I do think of you all.

Getting through all of the IF crap is tough, we all know that!  I have some amazingly wonderful friends in my real life who are helpful and are with me in my struggle.  However, sometimes I wish I had some of you in my real life.  Someone who is going through this crap right now that I could call up and cry to on the phone.  There should be and IF bloggers calling tree for when one of us is having a particularly hard time of it!  Or conventions…that are free, as we can’t afford to be paying to go to a convention when there is no insurance coverage for most of us!

I guess I’m just having a rough month (well, year really, but this past month has been close to unbearable).  Just need some time off to sort through everything I guess.

just keep moving…

I had a rough day yesterday.  I got 2 hours of sleep as I went to see Harry Potter in IMAX 3-D at midnight, then had my blood test at 6:30 am, which meant I woke up at 5:30 to get ready and leave after going to be at about 3 am.  Yeah.  Then my heart jumped in my chest every time the phone rang waiting for the call.  If I’m honest with myself, I really thought it had worked this time, even though I always tell myself it hasn’t worked.  But, I was pretty tired the last few weeks (though that could be from not sleeping well), and my breasts have been a bit sore (though, not as much as when I was pregnant), and I’ve been peeing a lot more than normal (I NEVER wake up at night to go, except when I was pregnant).  So, I wasn’t experiencing the symptoms to the same degree as I did when I was pregnant with Zippy, but it was enough to give me hope.

So, when I got the call and it was negative, needless to say I was pretty crushed.  I managed to get through the day at work fine, but as soon as I jumped in the car to go home, it was over.  It also didn’t help that it took an hour to get home yesterday, as opposed to the normal 30-45 min – traffic was extra heavy!  I was sitting in my car, wiping the tears that were streaming down my face.  Driving in heavy traffic while extremely tired, upset and crying is NOT a good idea.  I’d recommend that you all never do it.

Last IUI I was not nearly as upset about the negative result.  Granted, I was sad it had not worked, but I never thought it had that time because I had zero symptoms.  I think the combo of having some small possible symptoms and being extremely tired really got to me.  Today I’m better, but still have to concentrate hard not to cry.

I’m at the point now (again) where I just want this all to be over.  I want a baby so badly.  I mean, I’ve wanted that for the whole 2 1/2 years we’ve been trying, but it’s really building up right now.  I’m worried we had our 1 shot and I blew it.  We have enough to try again, but pretty much that will be it.  Justin and I had a short conversation yesterday that after this, we will most likely have to stop.  I don’t even want to think about that.  How can I stop?  How can I live 3 years without – I can’t comprehend that right now, so I’m going to stop writing about it.

I miss the happy person I used to be.  It took me a long time to get to that point, but I was truly happy and things did not bother me – I did not let them.  Why stress or worry I would say?  Things will work themselves out.  I miss that person.  I was not one of those annoyingly perky people, I was just happy being who I was and happy with my lot in life.  I want that back.  I don’t want to be the person that looks away in pain when I see a pregnant stranger on the street or a happy family walk by.  I don’t want to be the person that stares in anger and jealousy at a pregnant belly, or that cries in pain at the happy family – the one I fear I will never have.  I hate that person, I wish she would go away.

I’m in a rough spot right now folks and trying to crawl my way out.  It just is so unfair, and makes no sense.  I need your help.  How do you get through the darkest times in this battle?  I tend to turn to donuts, which is not helpful at all!  I’m going to spend the day with my best friend tomorrow.  Took 1/2  a personal day, and I’m hoping that will help me clear my head a bit.  She’s known from the very beginning that we were trying to have a baby, she was the only one we told we were trying until we got pregnant with Zippy.  She’s been with me through the miscarriage and all the struggles.  She’s just moved closer to where I am which makes me very happy.  It’s still a bit of a drive, but much closer than it used to be!

I know I’ll make it through all this, hopefully with a happy bouncy baby at the end, but at this moment, it doesn’t feel like it will ever get to that point.

what’s been going on…

Hey guys.  Sorry.  I’ve been lame about posting.  Life happens sometimes.

With my last post I was talking about possible financial help that would be coming our way.  Boy did it!  We were approved for a medical loan through MedicalFinancing.com which was suggested to us from our clinic.  It’s kind of like getting a credit card specifically to pay for medical procedures.  They cover a wide variety, but one of the things they cover is infertility.  Can you believe it?  Someone actually recognizes that infertility is expensive and no one can afford it!  So, this is a loan that we will have to pay back with interest, but the monthly payments are MUCH easier to handle than paying for every single appointment the day I have them – MUCH easier!  It sucks we had to take out a loan, but it’s good to know we don’t have to worry about costs for the time being.

Also, I mentioned that we got a grant through a program at work.  This was also a blessing, as we had already gotten a very generous grant at the end of last year, which helped us to conceive.  Unfortunately, we ran through all that money and lost our child.  So, we are VERY grateful that they were willing to help us out a bit more.

And – I have some amazingly wonderful friends and family.  At the beginning of this cycle, husband and I were pretty desperate.  We basically did each appointment, one at a time, not knowing if we’d have to cancel the cycle because we ran out of money.  We started with enough for one appointment and one box of meds.  We got meds from the clinic luckily, so we were able to do appointment #2.  Then realized if we stretched it, we could make #3.  After that, they said we were ready for IUI.  It went very fast, and luckily by that point we had found out we were approved for the loan.  We barely squeaked by, but we made it.  So, because we were unsure how things would go, we pretty much hit on all of our options from day 1 of the cycle.  We contacted the financing company (which worked out), we contacted the company that gave us our previous loan to see if it were possible to get another smaller grant (which worked out) and we also sent out a letter to our families asking for any help they could offer.  We both felt bad and awkward asking, but we were desperate and at the point where we thought this might be the last try until husband is done with school.  I also got a phone call from my best friend one day asking if she could send out a call to some of our old friends for help.  Again, I felt awkward doing that, but we were desperate.  Well – that worked too!  We are now at the point where if this cycle didn’t work, we have enough to try again, and maybe once more after that if we’re very careful!  I just am stunned by the generosity and the luck that we seem to have fallen into.

If by some small miracle (fingers crossed!!!) this past IUI did work, then all the money we’ve received will just about pay off the loan that we took out.  That is beyond amazing to me.  Going from desperation to grace in about 2 weeks is beyond description.  I often times don’t know how to even express the gratitude I feel towards everyone who has helped me out, my grant representative, my family, my friends, even the loan company!!!  They have all helped the husband and I feel blessed, loved, and extremely lucky.

So yes, we had our #2 (well…really 3rd, but I’ve started over since the miscarriage counting the IUI’s) IUI procedure last Thursday and Friday.  Right after the procedure on Friday the husband and I jumped in the car and headed out for our annual anniversary trip to McGregor, IA.  We’ve gone there every year since our honey moon (so 5 years now) for camping, B&B at the Little Switzerland Inn, and hanging out with my sister and her family on there boat on the Mississippi.  It was amazing to get away from everything here in Chicago for 4 days!  No work, no puppies that pee on the floor and then I step in it, no thoughts of IF – just pure fun and vacation – and sleep!!  I’ve been dog tired the past few weeks, trying to get money worked out, unpacking the new apartment, 2 am wake ups by the puppy, driving over an hour a day to get to and from work now, and just being generally cranky the last month (apologies to the husband for that one).  I really needed this break, and it didn’t disappoint.  I’ll try to post some pictures up at some point.

So, now we’re on the TWW for the blood test after IUI.  We’ll see.

Also, is sad news, please keep Maybe Baby? in your thoughts.  She and I have very similar stories and timelines with the loss of our babies this year.  She had recently become pregnant again, quite unexpectly and on her own without medical intervention, but found out yesterday that she had lost the baby.  It’s hard enough to loose one child to miscarriage; she is having to deal with the loss of two babies in the same year.  I grieve with her.  If you have a moment, head over to her blog and leave her a comment.  One big thing that helps us IFers get through the tough times are words from those who have been there and really do understand the pain.

*UPDATED* I’m still here…

Hey all.  Sorry for the drought in posts lately!  It’s been kinda crazy: new puppy, trying to unpack, and also trying to get some stuff worked out financially for my treatments, so I wanted to have things a bit more concrete before I posted.

We had another u/s bloodwork today.  Haven’t heard back on what the next step is, but I think we’re getting close to IUI time, which is kind of bad timing, as the hubby and I are going away this weekend for our 4th anniversary (which is Thursday!!!!!!).  We may have to forgo the IUI and just do the old fashioned baby dance!

We’ve also been exploring our financial avenues.  I’d been doing some looking around and thanks to RESOLVE I found some places where you can apply for loans for infertility treatment.  It’s basically like getting a credit card for use only on fertility treatments.  It’s a bit easier for us to make $75/mo payments than $250/week or more depending on what we’re doing at the clinic at the time!  It sucks to have to take out a loan like that and pay it plus interest, but it’s really the only option for us at this point.  So, we should know by today if it’s all gone through and then the money will be sent to our clinic.

We’ve also been INCREDIBLY blessed by the love of friends and family lately.  My best friend sent out a letter to some of our mutual friends asking if they could help us out financially towards our goal of becoming parents.  The response we’ve gotten so far has been amazing.  I can’t believe that many of them are willing to help us with money and with prayers.  Both are equally welcomed and appreciated.  I’ve been left speechless by all the love we’ve gotten from people through all of this, and once again I have little that I can say (which if you know me, that’s pretty fantastic).  All I can say is Thank you, and say it over and over.

We have one more tentacle out there that may be a big help in paying for all of this, but I’ll hold off on posting on that until we know one way or the other on it.**

**Just got news: we had applied for an emergency assistance grant through a program at my work.  Just found out we’ve been approved!!!  I’m so happy.  We had gotten a grant for this before and that one helped us to get pregnant the first time.  Here’s hoping that this is a good sign for what’s to come.  Oh!  And also got word today: IUI on Thursday and Friday!  So soon!  Last time it seemed like it took forever to get to this point.  I’m nervous/excited.  Soon to be on the TWW!

If by some small miracle this cycle is successful, we’ll be able to use all of this generosity to help begin to pay off the loan.  The faster we can get rid of that, the happier I’ll be!  If it dosen’t work, we’ll have a nest egg to try again.

In other news, tonight is the premiere of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince!  I’m a HUGE Harry Potter fan(atic).  I even went to a convention this past spring for Harry Potter (which you may remember from posts earlier).  So, straight after work I go up to meet my friend Abbey and we get in line – we’ll probably be there around 6ish for the midnight movie.  Oh yes!  I will wait in lines all night to be first in the theatre!!  Due to this, tonight will be the first time I’ll be doing my med injection on my own.  My husband, who is very much NOT a Harry Potter fan, will not be sitting in line with me.  I’m nervous.  I hate needles.  I can’t even look when I get a shot or have blood drawn.  Now I’m going to have to stick the needle in myself!  Abbey may help me out, I’m still trying to decide what to do.  Any advice from any of you pros out there who aren’t such big needle babies??

Guess that’s it for now, I’ll let you know in an update if we get any news on when a possible IUI might be!

hbp