So, this day started out great (read some sarcasm into that one folks). A little background: I work at a church as a secretary. Part of my job includes showers and lunches for the homeless community in our area. When I get to work in the morning I open the door and make a list of everyone here to get in line for showers. I actually love this part of my job and it was a big reason why I wanted it in the first place.
Well, today one of my regulars comes in and walks up to the door, “So – what did you have?” I kind of look at him blankly and repeat the question back to him. “Boy or girl?” Again, blank stare. I say back, “Boy or girl what?” (stupidly thinking maybe he was referring to my new dog that I brought to work the other day). He looks at me and says, “Baby! Weren’t you on maternity leave??” Punch in the gut folks – that what it felt like. I explained to him that no, I was not and I do not have a baby. I wrote his name down and went through the rest of the line. I had to run to the back room and stock up on towels and as soon as I got in there my eyes misted up. I don’t know why he would think I was on leave. I was gone a bit the last 2 weeks due to travel and my staph infection, but no where near enough time for anyone to think it was maternity leave – not to mention the fact that I definitely don’t have a preggo belly. I’m overweight, but I don’t think it looks like I’m pregnant! I wonder why he thought that, but it could be that back in February when things were bright and happy he overheard my co-workers and I talking about my Zippy.
So, to make myself feel better (again, sarcasm) I decided to go and check out my Lilypie counter. I’m sure you all know these. They’re what pregnant women go and make as soon as they find out they’re preggo and put on their websites so people can see the count down to the due date. I stupidly made one of these the day I found out I was pregnant. I never got it up on my blog though, as soon after we decided to start telling people we lost the baby. So, according to Lilypie, “I am 35 weeks pregnant. Only 36 days to go.” I wish. I’m supposed to be planning out my actual maternity leave – figure out what I need to do to prepare for a sub. Get the nursery ready. Prepare for the happiest day of my life. Instead I feel nothing but pain and loss. I should be having a baby in a month. Instead, I’m empty.
My sister-in-law gave birth to a baby girl yesterday. We were due one month apart. It was going to be a spectacular end of the year, and a busy one for my mother-in-law! A happy Christmas with 2 new editions to the family. I’m so happy for Jen and Josh, that they were able to have their new little one, and that she is here and healthy. But I also feel pain that I can’t experience that as well. Instead of 2 little bundles on Christmas, there will only be one, and my arms will ache with emptiness. Looking at the pictures of my mother-in-law holding little Bella, my heart broke, that I could not give her that same joy, that I may never be able to provide her with another grandchild.
I’m counting down to September 9th, when I can call in for meds to the doctor and get my next cycle started. I hope this damn cyst is gone. I hope this time, the IUI works, and I hope if it does, that I can nurture my baby until it grows to full term. As down as I’m feeling today, I still have a glimmer of hope. I can’t help it. It’s the only thing that keeps me going.
I mentioned in a post a few weeks back that I had some friends that were going through a difficult time. That was for my best friend and her family. Unfortunately, she has just lost her baby. I would never wish that kind of pain on anyone, and definitely for my best friend! She has shared her story on her blog, and if you have a few moments, read through and leave her a comment. I hope she doesn’t mind that I’m linking to her, but I really think it’ll help if she can hear some encouragement from those of us who have been there. Love you hun.