Hello! I wish I had more to post about lately, but I really feel like until my next appointment, not much is happening! I mean, other than the growing of my baby, but I just don’t have much to report as far a symptoms etc…I hope I’m not too boring for y’all!
However, the past 2 nights I have been having baby dreams. I’ve heard this can happen, so while they have been weird, it’s kinda fun to know that I’m getting this “symptom”.
Dream #1: I’m at my parents house with my newborn baby and my aunt is going to babysit for me while I go somewhere I don’t remember…Anyway, so I put the baby in the infant car seat carrier thing, grab the diaper bag and head out to my parents porch. Now weirdly enough, I look over and my parents house has become one of the row house things and all of the porches to the next few houses are identical. Of course, just then my friend Tripp shows up to help me get the baby to my aunts house. He also knows which porch is her’s (since I don’t). So we walk over and talk a bit and discuss what I’m going to name the baby. I tell him if it’s a girl (which is silly, I already HAVE the baby, I’m carrying it! Somehow though the conversation goes as if it is yet to be born) that her name would be Mae. Mae is my middle name (which I go by) and also a family name. We are planning to give the baby the middle name Mae if it’s a girl, but not first name. So then I realize this baby’s name must be Mae.
We get into my aunt’s house (which looks nothing like her real house) and I take the baby out of the infant carrier. Now at this point, my child has turned from a new born into a 1 1/2 year old. But not just any 1 1/2 year old. She looks just like the daughter of one of my good friends, piggy tails and all! I of course don’t think this is weird at all, or the fact that my newborn is just learning how to walk! Weirdness abounds. Also at this point, I realize I have NO IDEA what my child’s name is. This seems to be an observation that I make as the dreamer, not as me in the dream. It seems to not bother me at all that my baby doesn’t have a name in the dream. So, I proceed to talk with my aunt and my younger sister who has popped up out of nowhere. I think my grandma is there, too. After a while I decide it’s time to go and do whatever it was I was going to do. I open up the diaper bag to changer the baby’s clothes into pajamas and a new diaper. I have some jammies for her, but only 1 diaper. I change her and head over to my parents house to properly pack for the baby. I get back to my aunts and realize I STILL don’t have any diapers or extra clothes! So I pick up my daughter and take her back to pack again, intending to bring her back to my aunts after that.
We get to my parents house and I sit her down on the floor of what is her room apparently. There are 4 dressers in that room, in my dream. They are all dressers I’ve had in my real life or that have been in that room at one point in my life. I open each drawer and find NO BABY CLOTHES. Instead I find an assortment of clothing that my sisters and I had growing up – very classy 80’s style clothes no less! In one drawer I DO happen to find 3 newborn outfits, and one of them is a Christmas onsie. I take it out and hold it up to my baby and say “well, that’s not going to fit you any more, and it’s too bad too, since you were almost a Christmas baby.” Weird, I know…since my little one is due in August. Though I DID find out about my pregnancy 2 days before Christmas…maybe that’s where that came from. Anyway, I decide she’s just going to have to do with the outfit she has on and the 1 yellow onsie that she was wearing before. Also, I find NO diapers, no matter how much I search. I decide that she’ll just have to be okay with the one diaper, since she’s close to being potty trained anyway. I pick her up and head back to my aunts and that’s when I wake up.
Of course during this whole dream in my mind I’m thinking how weird it is that I have no idea what the baby’s name is even though this fact doesn’t bother me at all in dream land! It was very strange.
Dream #2: This dream was just this morning, though the details are a bit fuzzier than the last one. I remember, again that I have my daughter with me. We’re in my grandma & grandpa’s house and exploring all of the rooms. She again resembles the daughter of my good friend and now she can talk. Suddenly we aren’t at my gma’s house anymore, but in the gym of my elementary school watching a basketball game. There are a lot of people there and they are all coming up to meet my baby and say HI. My daughter draws pictures and signs her name (even though she is not nearly old enough to be able to sign her name) and hands them out to people.
Then a friend of mine from high school comes up from the game (he’s playing in the game) to say HI and meet the baby. Of course, he asks me what her name is. I look at my daughter and tell her to say her name, but she won’t. Then I realize, I’ve forgotten what her name is and I panic! How can I have forgotten my daughters name??? So to cover for it, I tell my friend to guess what it is. He starts listing off names and after each one she shakes her head no. I’m getting more and more frantic because I realize at some point he’s going to ask me to tell her. During all this she’s still drawing pictures and signing them, but handing them out before I can see the name on them. Finally he turns to me and asks what her name is and I run up the risers to “ask someone a question quick”, trying to buy more time to think of her name. As soon as I leave, someone comes up to my daughter and says, “Thank you for the picture Sophie!” and she smiles. That’s when I wake up.
Why am I having so many dreams about not knowing my own child’s name?? It seems like a very ominous theme to keep running through my head! It’s even stranger because I have had the name of my future daughter picked out for about 5 years! I mean, I have a list of back ups just in case that name doesn’t fit once the baby is born, but I’m pretty set on that name. Not once has this name popped into my head during the dreams, not even as an option in dream #2 when I was trying to think of her name.
In the other dream, not only did I not know my baby’s name, but I had no clothes or diapers for her! The room we were in that was “hers” looks like it always does at my parents with the regular bed and computer in it, just with 4 dressers instead of 1. So, it seems like in the dreams I was COMPLETELY unprepared for this baby in so many different ways.
Maybe that’s why I’ve had these dreams. Am I feeling unprepared for a baby? Sure! Who doesn’t! I have been thinking about it a bit more lately. I’ve spent the past 3 years just trying to get pregnant, learning everything about making a baby that I’ve spent no time learning about what it means to BE pregnant. I definitely feel like I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m in uncharted territory. But on the other hand, I’m a little afraid to look deeper into pregnancy and how it works…I’m still so early on, and still so far from my next check on Little Wiggle that I don’t want to “jinx” it. I know that’s ridiculous, but I think some of you may understand what I mean. I did finally order the “What to Expect” book, but I got it from a free book exchange website, so I’m not really paying for it, like that will counter act the “jinx”. I’m afraid to open up the “Raising Baby Green” book that I got when I was pregnant with Declan.
I’ve also been scarred to start journaling again. With Declan I had planned to keep a record of my pregnancy to show him someday when he was older. I kept a little book that I wrote in almost everyday. I had planned to do this with all of my children, long before I knew we would have issues. Now, I haven’t even started 1 entry for Little Wiggle yet. At first I was just waiting for the doctors confirmation that yes, I was pregnant and the baby had a heartbeat. But now, I think it really is just fear. Fear that something may happen. I’m not living my life daily in fear. I really am handling this surprisingly well, but I still have my moments, and I still have things that I haven’t thought about yet because of that fear, like my journal. Or really digging into the baby name books again. I think my dreams are a bit of a reflection on that underlying fear.
I’m going to try and work on that. I’m going to try and get better. Perhaps, tonight, I can reopen that journal and say my first hello to Little Wiggle. I hope I can.