okay, I’m here…

Hey all…I hope you’re still around. I’ve been taking a blogging break, but I’ve still been reading all of my IF blogs daily, sometimes more! I just needed a break from thinking about my own IF for a while.

So, here’s where I’m at. Our last IUI failed. That was the 3rd one after we lost Zippy in March. They say after 3 tries, it’s time to move on to something else. Not only was it our 3rd failed IUI after miscarriage, but I got the news of the BFN 2 days before my due date would have been for our baby. As you can imagine, that has launched me into a pretty spectacular funk. I’m still not out of it. I do my best to put on a happy face throughout the day, and it works, as long as I don’t for a second let my mind wander. My “happy face” mask has to extend also to my brain or it all come crashing down again. Even typing this post is difficult because I’m allowing myself to go “there” – you know, that place where all you can think about is your IF failures and the “what might have been”s. I’m there. I don’t want to be there.

I’m sick of this whole journey. I know it’s building character, and making me stronger, letting me know how much I can deal with and still survive, but if it’s all the same, I’ll give all that character building back if I can please have my baby. Thanks.

I don’t want to deal with this any more, but there is no way out. If I want a child I have to deal with this, and it just so isn’t fair. I’m surrounded by babies, but I can’t have my own and that’s all I want in the world.

The worst part is, we’re at a point now where the only thing we can do is the old fashioned trying to have a baby. We’ve emptied every bank account, begged money off friends and family, taken out loans, gotten as many grants as possible. We’re out. Adoption can’t even be a possibility because the cost is so prohibitive. I’ve got no hope that I will EVER have a child, let alone anytime in the near future. I’ve tried everything I can think of. Thought about cashing out my retirement account that work has for me, but I really can’t do that unless I were to leave my job. That’s another possibility, get hired somewhere else. The state of Illinois is one of the few states that requires jobs to provide IF treatment as part of the Health coverage, that is if you don’t work for a religious institution, which I do. So, if I were to switch jobs, not only would I probably get paid more (which would help) but I’d have IF coverage. But – welcome to our wonderful economy! No one’s hiring. Also I have to worry if it’d be a “pre-exising” condition that wouldn’t be covered anyway. My next option was to get a part time job for nights and weekends and save up for IVF. That failed too – I applied to about 10 places and never heard back from any. I really feel like the world is conspiring against me becoming a mother. I really do.

I don’t know what to do, or where to go. I feel like a boat lost at sea, drifting aimlessly hoping to crash into land, but I’m so far away from the shore I probably won’t survive the journey. Yup, that’s hopelessness folks!

However, my stupid mind got to thinking today. Maybe Baby? was talking on her blog about Metformin and linked to Birds and Squirrels about articles on Metformin. I’ve heard you lovely blog folks mention this med before, but I didn’t know what it did or why one would take it. Turns out, for women with PCOS, it can help regulate cycles and even help ovulation! It has a good percentage to help PCOS women get pregnant even! So of course, I start plotting a new plan. Get my doctor to put me on Metformin, maybe discuss taking baby aspirin, I’ve heard that helps too. Maybe I can even get insurance to cover the drugs some how, since it’s a treatment for a condition I have? I don’t know…will need to talk with doctor about that…then, I guess I could give it a couple months of trying natural? Or, maybe one more IUI shot? Of course after emptying out every ounce of cash we had, we did have another break on the financial front recently that could help for one more try if we wanted to go there. This is giving me things to think about, and actually the first glimmer of hope I’ve had in quite a while…don’t read to much into that though. That glimmer is still miles off in a room full of darkness, but at least it’s a pinpoint of light. I’ve not had that.

wishing I “knew” you…

I check the blogs of my IF blogging “friends” at least twice a day, sometimes more.  I check some of them more often when I know something is going on in their IF world, or if they’re expecting results so I can keep up to date with them, offer comments when I feel I can say something, and generally just keep them in my thoughts.  I don’t comment on everyone’s blog (sorry), but I do think of you all.

Getting through all of the IF crap is tough, we all know that!  I have some amazingly wonderful friends in my real life who are helpful and are with me in my struggle.  However, sometimes I wish I had some of you in my real life.  Someone who is going through this crap right now that I could call up and cry to on the phone.  There should be and IF bloggers calling tree for when one of us is having a particularly hard time of it!  Or conventions…that are free, as we can’t afford to be paying to go to a convention when there is no insurance coverage for most of us!

I guess I’m just having a rough month (well, year really, but this past month has been close to unbearable).  Just need some time off to sort through everything I guess.