just keep moving…

I had a rough day yesterday.  I got 2 hours of sleep as I went to see Harry Potter in IMAX 3-D at midnight, then had my blood test at 6:30 am, which meant I woke up at 5:30 to get ready and leave after going to be at about 3 am.  Yeah.  Then my heart jumped in my chest every time the phone rang waiting for the call.  If I’m honest with myself, I really thought it had worked this time, even though I always tell myself it hasn’t worked.  But, I was pretty tired the last few weeks (though that could be from not sleeping well), and my breasts have been a bit sore (though, not as much as when I was pregnant), and I’ve been peeing a lot more than normal (I NEVER wake up at night to go, except when I was pregnant).  So, I wasn’t experiencing the symptoms to the same degree as I did when I was pregnant with Zippy, but it was enough to give me hope.

So, when I got the call and it was negative, needless to say I was pretty crushed.  I managed to get through the day at work fine, but as soon as I jumped in the car to go home, it was over.  It also didn’t help that it took an hour to get home yesterday, as opposed to the normal 30-45 min – traffic was extra heavy!  I was sitting in my car, wiping the tears that were streaming down my face.  Driving in heavy traffic while extremely tired, upset and crying is NOT a good idea.  I’d recommend that you all never do it.

Last IUI I was not nearly as upset about the negative result.  Granted, I was sad it had not worked, but I never thought it had that time because I had zero symptoms.  I think the combo of having some small possible symptoms and being extremely tired really got to me.  Today I’m better, but still have to concentrate hard not to cry.

I’m at the point now (again) where I just want this all to be over.  I want a baby so badly.  I mean, I’ve wanted that for the whole 2 1/2 years we’ve been trying, but it’s really building up right now.  I’m worried we had our 1 shot and I blew it.  We have enough to try again, but pretty much that will be it.  Justin and I had a short conversation yesterday that after this, we will most likely have to stop.  I don’t even want to think about that.  How can I stop?  How can I live 3 years without – I can’t comprehend that right now, so I’m going to stop writing about it.

I miss the happy person I used to be.  It took me a long time to get to that point, but I was truly happy and things did not bother me – I did not let them.  Why stress or worry I would say?  Things will work themselves out.  I miss that person.  I was not one of those annoyingly perky people, I was just happy being who I was and happy with my lot in life.  I want that back.  I don’t want to be the person that looks away in pain when I see a pregnant stranger on the street or a happy family walk by.  I don’t want to be the person that stares in anger and jealousy at a pregnant belly, or that cries in pain at the happy family – the one I fear I will never have.  I hate that person, I wish she would go away.

I’m in a rough spot right now folks and trying to crawl my way out.  It just is so unfair, and makes no sense.  I need your help.  How do you get through the darkest times in this battle?  I tend to turn to donuts, which is not helpful at all!  I’m going to spend the day with my best friend tomorrow.  Took 1/2  a personal day, and I’m hoping that will help me clear my head a bit.  She’s known from the very beginning that we were trying to have a baby, she was the only one we told we were trying until we got pregnant with Zippy.  She’s been with me through the miscarriage and all the struggles.  She’s just moved closer to where I am which makes me very happy.  It’s still a bit of a drive, but much closer than it used to be!

I know I’ll make it through all this, hopefully with a happy bouncy baby at the end, but at this moment, it doesn’t feel like it will ever get to that point.

Results…

negative.

discouraged…

It’s been a week since the IUI.  I don’t think it worked.  It seems like at this point last time, when we had conceived Zippy, I was exhausted, thirsty all the time, and peeing non stop.  I haven’t felt any of those symptoms so far.  We have our blood test on Monday (6/29) and I’m not holding out much hope that it will be good news.  I’m going to be devastated if this did not work.  We had 1 shot to go for this.  Now I don’t think we’ll be able to try again, unless we win the lottery.  It makes me so angry that the only thing stopping us from having a child is money.  It’s just not fair.

In other news, we are getting a new “baby” of sorts…we’ve decided to get another dog.  We have one 3 year old dog now named Malcolm Reynolds (named after a character from the TV show Firefly/movie Serenity).  We got Mal when he was 8 weeks old and now we’re ready for him to have a “sibling.”  Mal is a mix between a chihuahua and a terrier (what kind we’re not sure).  Here’s Malcolm:

mal

Our new puppy will also be named after a character from Firefly/Serenity.  Her name is Inara Serra:

nara

She is 7 weeks old.  Unfortunatly, we don’t have her home yet.  We’ll pick her up on Sunday after we move.  My husband is starting school in the fall, so we’re moving closer to his school.  Her mix: her mom is a bichon frise/shih tzu mix and her dad is a dachshund.  You can see she gets most of her looks from daddy!  I’m so excited to have her joining our family.

I’ve wanted a new puppy for a while, but I think this is a good time to get her.  I’ve been antsy all week wanting to go pick her up.  It’s kept my mind off of the wait for the blood test.  Also, if it does turn out to be a BFN, at least I’ll have her to fill my life for a while.  Having a new puppy is very much like a new baby.  We found that out when we got Malcolm.  You have to get up in the middle of the night to take them out to go potty.  They sleep a lot and sometimes make little puppy crying sounds.  You have to constantly watch them to make sure they’re not getting into things they’re not supposed to, or chewing on things they shouldn’t.  The only difference is that you can’t leave a baby in a crate all day while you’re at work!

I hope you are all doing well.  Thank you for all of the comments and support you give.  I don’t go through a day without checking on my IF blogging community at least twice.  I rejoice with you when things go well, and cry with you when they don’t.  I’m so grateful to have this community to be with me on my own journey.