WHAT THE *F* UTAH!!!

You may have noticed that I usually use all lower case letters in my titles for blog posts, but I think this post deserved all caps (credit to TTCargh for posting this link on Twitter)…

Apparently Utah is trying to pass a law that could charge women with homicide if they miscarry.  HOMICIDE!!!!!  Are you kidding me?????  Please click the link to read the article yourself.  I can’t even tell you how LIVID this article makes me.  Sure, it seems they are trying to aim the law at women who intentionally cause a miscarriage, but I think it is a slippery slope.  Given that line of reasoning, it could be extrapolated that women with known fertility issues could be charged.  I mean we do have a higher risk of miscarriage, so I guess if you really wanted to take it as far as possible, if I were living in Utah and this law were passes, I could be charged with 2 counts of homicide.

Given that there is sadly such a high percentage of pregnancy loss, especially in the first trimester, I think they are going to have a lot of cases on there hands.  All this law will do is tie up the prosecutors with needless cases, instead of dealing with ones that are really important!  If they want to truly enforce it, they’d have to investigate every miscarriage to see if there was any “wrong doing” on the part of the mother.

ARGHH  I’m seriously fuming over this, I can’t even get the words out to express the rage.

A quote from the article from (someone named) Dan Savage: “If every miscarriage is a potential homicide, how does Utah avoid launching a criminal investigation every time a woman has a miscarriage? […] And how is Utah supposed to know when a pregnant woman has had a miscarriage? You’re going to have to create some sort of pregnancy registry to keep track of all those fetuses, Utah. Perhaps you could start issuing “conception certificates” to women who get pregnant? And then, if there isn’t a baby within nine months of the issuance of a conception certificate, the woman could be hauled in for questioning and she could be indicted for criminal homicide if it’s determined that she intentionally or accidentally induced a miscarriage.”

Yup…exactly.  It’s going to take up time, money, and be completely pointless.  Of all the states that could have made this law, I’m not surprised it’s Utah.  I usually have nothing bad to say about the Mormon church in general.  I’ve known many Mormons and I’ve found them to be nothing but kind individuals.  I may not agree with their theology, but it doesn’t stop me from recognizing them as decent people who have just as much right as anyone else to worship and believe as they want.  Of course, in EVERY religion (there are no exclusions that I’ve found in my life/studies), there are those who take it too far.  I think this is one of those instances.  The state of Utah has many Mormon citizens, and it appears that those in the extremes are trying to punish women for something they may or may not have control over.

I also normally don’t comment on the abortion issue.  I don’t know exactly what to call myself.  I believe any sort of death is needless and wrong, but on the other hand, I know there are times when it is needed.  Technically, the d&c I had is a form of abortions.  Yes, my child was already gone, but the procedure is the same.  There are cases where the mother’s life is in danger, or in the case of multiples, one or more of the babies is at risk.  There are many other times or situations that I’m not going to get into.  Ultimately, I do believe it is up to the parents, but I don’t get into it, because it’s not a decision that effects me.  I’m sorry if I’m getting into a touchy subject and making people uncomfortable, it’s why I don’t normally talk about it – but I think it plays into this article.  It seems that Utah is trying to punish women who, because of family, religion, etc do not have the option to go for an abortion, try to handle things on there own in a relatively safe manor (as apposed to clothes hangers, back alley abortions, etc).  While I don’t get into abortion as a government issue, in this case trying to pass laws to punish women for something they may not have had control over (losing a baby in a car accident for instance) is utterly and completely wrong.

Oi!!  Okay, I’ve gotten some of that out of my system.  I may not have said it clearly or expressed it correctly, but I got it out.  Again, I apologize for perhaps getting too political (I hate doing that), but like I said, in this case I think it was called for.  Please don’t come after me for that!  Hopefully you can see the anger and that it is placed in the right place.

we are so done…

So, remember a few posts back when I talked about my awful miscarriage followup appointment with my ob/gyn?  You know, where they didn’t look at the chart and see I had miscarried and started treating me like a pre-natal patient?  Well, it turns out there was a reason for that…

I looked at my phone this morning and saw I had missed a call earlier today from my ob/gyn office.  I figured they were calling to yell at me for not getting my blood work done yet (we did try to go Friday, but it was closed…).  I listened to the message and it said, “This is Dr. T’s office.  I noticed that we don’t have your next appointment down on the books.  I don’t know if we just forgot to put it in or if you haven’t scheduled one yet.  Please call me back.”  Immediately, my blood began to boil.  I just knew – I KNEW – that they still thought I was pregnant.

I called back and actually got the receptionist (usually I have to leave a message, then call back later when they don’t return my call).  It was even the woman who had left the message for me.  Conversation was something like this:

Her: Hi!  I’m the one that called you!

Me: Yeah, why did you call me?

Her: We seem to have either forgotten to write your next appointment down or we didn’t schedule one.

Me: I don’t understand.  Why do I need an appointment?

Her: Aren’t you pregnant?

Me: *cleansing breath so I don’t go ALL out on her* No I miscarried.

Her: Oh, um…

Me: This is the SECOND time this has happened and it’s getting very frustrating!

Her: I’m sorry, no one seems to have written that in the computer or on your chart.  I’ll be sure to do that.

Me: Thanks *hangs up phone*

I can’t BELIEVE they didn’t write it down!!!  At least I know what happened with my last appointment, the nurse couldn’t have looked at my chart to know what I was there for – BECAUSE THE DAMN DOCTOR NEVER WROTE IT DOWN!!!!!  I’m so over you Dr. Tam.  We are done – through, over, Elvis has left the building and he ain’t comin’ back!

I try not to name my doctors on this blog, but seriously, if you’re in the Chicago area, DON’T go see Dr. Teresa Tam!!  I’ve had nothing by awkward or bad experiences there.  I was never comfortable with her.  I’m in the market people, lookin’ for a new doctor.  Who can treat me the way I deserve to be treated.  Someone who can be sensitive to my needs, to my wants and desires…

Wait, that’s starting to sound like a personal add!  I guess that’s what I need to write though!

WANTED: A doctor who knows about PCOS and it’s complications.  A doctor who will treat me like a person, not a number.  A doctor who will read my chart BEFORE entering the room, and also to WRITE DOWN important information IN my chart.  Someone I don’t have to explain my entire history to every time I go in, because they’ve read my chart and know it!

Okay, my venting is out.  Seriously though, if you ARE in the Chicago area and have a good recommendation for me, let me know!

and it just keeps on coming…

Hey guys…sorry it’s been a while.  I have had things to post about, I just haven’t been able to convince myself to do it.  I had my follow up appointment with my ob/gyn on Monday.  I should have known it was going to be a bad day when I got to work and realized that the appointment was that day, and not the next day as I had been thinking it was!

I got to the office and they showed me to the exam room.  I sat down to wait and then I heard the nurse calling me from the hallway.  I went out and she said “I need to get your weight.”  I thought, okay, kinda weird, but they do weigh you a lot when you go to see a doctor, so whatever.  She took my weight and then handed me a plastic cup.  “We’ll need a urine sample too.”  I kind of gave her a confused look.  “Really?  You need to test that?”  She looked back and said, “Yes, we need it every time you come in.”  It was then I realized what was going on.  I looked at the nurse and said, “They didn’t change the appointment did they.  This is for a miscarriage follow up.”  She looked down at my chart (the one she had been holding the whole time, the one she had JUST written my weight on, the one that said on the very first page that I had lost my baby) and looked back up to me with just a bit of panic in her eyes, “Oh, I’m sorry.  Okay, you can go and wait for the doctor.”

Yup.  If that wasn’t an unfriendly reminder of what I was going through, I don’t know what would be!  I’m really getting frustrated with doctors and their staff NOT LOOKING AT MY DAMN CHART BEFORE THEY TALK TO ME.  Seriously, is it so hard to open up a folder and see just WHY I’m in your office to begin with?  You know, shouldn’t that be an important first step to a visit?  I understand I live in Chicago, it’s a GINORMOUS town and my doctors see a lot of patients so they can’t be expect to remember me and my issues, but isn’t that what the charts are for?  So that they don’t have to remember all the details?  So they can read what it says and know what they are doing before they walk into the room??

The hubs and I have decided that after this whole mess is over that I should start looking for a new gynecologist.   She’s nice enough, but sometimes she just frustrates the heck out of me.  I have to explain EVERYTHING to her each time I go in.  She can’t do all the things for me that I need (monitor Metformin, etc).  I should really be with someone who’s specialty is infertility and high risk pregnancies.

So after the nurse spoke with me, I waited a bit for the doctor to come in.  She talked with me a bit about what the MFM doctor said and then she did a quick exam to make sure that things were going along okay.  I told her the MFM doc wants me to get some blood work done in 8 weeks and that I’m not supposed to try again until after those tests and the results have come in.  We’ll go from there.  Then she said she wanted me to go in for blood work to check my beta numbers.  She said “I can’t sign off on you trying again until the numbers are 5 or lower.”  I asked if it was necessary, since the MFM doc doesn’t want us trying until after the big blood tests.  She insisted on it “I just can’t let you try again until we know the numbers are falling.”  I said again to her, well we won’t be trying again until after the blood tests in 8 weeks to which she said, “Oh, that’s in 8 weeks?  Well, I’d still like you to go in.”  It’s like she had cotton in her ears or something!  I said to her at least 3 times that I was having all this blood work done, ordered by the MFM doc, and she didn’t seem to understand what I was saying.  I really don’t want to have to go in 2 times for blood work…can’t they just tack on the beta test with the rest and get it all done at once?  Apparently not.  So now I have 3 orders for blood work (2 betas, in case the first test numbers aren’t low enough I’ll have to go back in) and the tests for the MFM doctor.  At that point I was just ready to get the hell out of there.  I was mad and frustrated and just wanted to get home.

I had to run some errands quick, so I did that and went home.  I had to walk the dogs.  They got on my nerves.  I was also starting to cramp again so I knew I had to get inside quick.  The dogs were being very naughty on their walk and not listening so I was getting more angry and frustrated by the minute.  Went inside, go to the bath room and had a melt down!  I’m not sure what the final trigger was, but all of a sudden I was throwing things across the room and then I just broke down.  I sobbed and sobbed and cried out.  My poor doggies on the other side of the door were trying to get to me, but I just needed to be alone right then.  I think up until that point, I hadn’t let myself deal with what was happening.  Of course, I broke down and was devastated the day we found out Sophie was gone, but after that I bottled it up.  I had to go to work the next day, and really haven’t had any time off to really grieve the loss.   After Declan I had almost 5 days to be home and face the loss.  I haven’t had time to do that this time.  It all came out on Monday, and I’ve been trying to come out of it ever since.

I’m of course not saying I don’t want to grieve, or that I’m over it.  Not at all, and I never will be.  I’m just not sure how to go on from a second loss.  I think that’s why I haven’t been letting myself deal with it.  I’m getting there slowly.  The breakdown on Monday I think was step one – I think that’s when I really accepted it, and let myself feel the pain.

I’ve also recently realized that I’m in a bit of a rut and I need to break out of it.  I need to shake my life up a bit and do something different.  Get out into the world and experience it.  I used to be in such a good place and really enjoying life and all it had to offer.  Lately, I feel like I’ve been putting that old me on as a mask and projecting that that is who I still am, trying to get back there, but not quite making it.  I’m not sure if that sentence just made sense, but I think I know what I meant.

To that end, I’m going to try and shake things up in my routine.  Start a class in something, or do something different at home every night, instead of just plopping down on the couch because I’m so exhausted from the day.  I need to DO something instead of just letting things happen to me.  It’s time to take some action and become the me I used to know and love.

I hope this post hasn’t gotten anyone too worried about me.  I’m not depressed, don’t worry.  I have a lot of amazing things in my life: my husband (first and foremost the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love him very very very very much), my puppies, my friends, my family.  Our life is on the right track, with my hubby discovering his path in life – I’m so happy for him.  We’ve hit this huge speed bump in our life, but I know, in someway – someday we will reach the top and get over the hump.  I just need to do something to keep myself going until we get there.  It’s time for a change.

okay, I’m here…

Hey all…I hope you’re still around. I’ve been taking a blogging break, but I’ve still been reading all of my IF blogs daily, sometimes more! I just needed a break from thinking about my own IF for a while.

So, here’s where I’m at. Our last IUI failed. That was the 3rd one after we lost Zippy in March. They say after 3 tries, it’s time to move on to something else. Not only was it our 3rd failed IUI after miscarriage, but I got the news of the BFN 2 days before my due date would have been for our baby. As you can imagine, that has launched me into a pretty spectacular funk. I’m still not out of it. I do my best to put on a happy face throughout the day, and it works, as long as I don’t for a second let my mind wander. My “happy face” mask has to extend also to my brain or it all come crashing down again. Even typing this post is difficult because I’m allowing myself to go “there” – you know, that place where all you can think about is your IF failures and the “what might have been”s. I’m there. I don’t want to be there.

I’m sick of this whole journey. I know it’s building character, and making me stronger, letting me know how much I can deal with and still survive, but if it’s all the same, I’ll give all that character building back if I can please have my baby. Thanks.

I don’t want to deal with this any more, but there is no way out. If I want a child I have to deal with this, and it just so isn’t fair. I’m surrounded by babies, but I can’t have my own and that’s all I want in the world.

The worst part is, we’re at a point now where the only thing we can do is the old fashioned trying to have a baby. We’ve emptied every bank account, begged money off friends and family, taken out loans, gotten as many grants as possible. We’re out. Adoption can’t even be a possibility because the cost is so prohibitive. I’ve got no hope that I will EVER have a child, let alone anytime in the near future. I’ve tried everything I can think of. Thought about cashing out my retirement account that work has for me, but I really can’t do that unless I were to leave my job. That’s another possibility, get hired somewhere else. The state of Illinois is one of the few states that requires jobs to provide IF treatment as part of the Health coverage, that is if you don’t work for a religious institution, which I do. So, if I were to switch jobs, not only would I probably get paid more (which would help) but I’d have IF coverage. But – welcome to our wonderful economy! No one’s hiring. Also I have to worry if it’d be a “pre-exising” condition that wouldn’t be covered anyway. My next option was to get a part time job for nights and weekends and save up for IVF. That failed too – I applied to about 10 places and never heard back from any. I really feel like the world is conspiring against me becoming a mother. I really do.

I don’t know what to do, or where to go. I feel like a boat lost at sea, drifting aimlessly hoping to crash into land, but I’m so far away from the shore I probably won’t survive the journey. Yup, that’s hopelessness folks!

However, my stupid mind got to thinking today. Maybe Baby? was talking on her blog about Metformin and linked to Birds and Squirrels about articles on Metformin. I’ve heard you lovely blog folks mention this med before, but I didn’t know what it did or why one would take it. Turns out, for women with PCOS, it can help regulate cycles and even help ovulation! It has a good percentage to help PCOS women get pregnant even! So of course, I start plotting a new plan. Get my doctor to put me on Metformin, maybe discuss taking baby aspirin, I’ve heard that helps too. Maybe I can even get insurance to cover the drugs some how, since it’s a treatment for a condition I have? I don’t know…will need to talk with doctor about that…then, I guess I could give it a couple months of trying natural? Or, maybe one more IUI shot? Of course after emptying out every ounce of cash we had, we did have another break on the financial front recently that could help for one more try if we wanted to go there. This is giving me things to think about, and actually the first glimmer of hope I’ve had in quite a while…don’t read to much into that though. That glimmer is still miles off in a room full of darkness, but at least it’s a pinpoint of light. I’ve not had that.

the end of hope…

I have my blood test on Friday to see if this IUI cycle worked…but I’m pretty sure it didn’t.  I’ve had no symptoms: tiredness, sore/tender breasts, constantly peeing – nothing. 

Even though I’m pretty sure I’m not pregnant, when I hear the finaly word on Friday, I know I’m gonna break down.  This was our last chance I think.  I’ve not allowed my husband to bring it up because I don’t want to think about it yet, but I’m pretty sure we won’t be able to try again.  We’ve maxed out every resourse we have for money.  We’ve gotten grants, taken out loans, begged from friends and family and wiped out our savings.  We’ve got nothing left and no where else to look for more.

It’s rediculous…beyond rediculous that the only reason I (or I guess for a lot of you, we) can’t have a family because insurance does not cover the costs.  Don’t I have as much right to a baby as every other woman in America?  It’s not fair that all they have to do is have one night of sex and BOOM!  Baby…

My husband and I have been TTC since January of 2007.  We’re coming up on our 3 year anniversary of not having a baby – this is not an anniversary that you celebrate, rather one that you mourn.  And I will.  I will mourn the child I should have had in October.  I will mourn all the children I COULD have had in that amount of time if I were a normal woman.  I will mourn the children I may NEVER get to have simply because I don’t have the insane amount of money it costs to make a child.

I’ve been trying to think of ways I can get the money we need to make a child:

1) Find a job that pays me $100,000 a year

2) Get a second job and work every night

3) Sell all of my possessions

4) Win the lottery

5) Make friends with a very rich, very old, very sick person who will give me all their money

Short of any of those, this is probably it.  If we wait until my husband is done with school I’ll be about 32 or 33 years old.  Dangerously close to 35…

I’ve looked into adoption, because husband and I have always said we wanted to adopt, but that costs even more than having one myself.  It just seems so unfair.  All I want is a baby.  There are thousands of babies out there who need a good home, but I can’t afford them.  I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO BUY A BABY!!!

I don’t know this person that I’ve become.  This new person gets upset seeing families walking down the street, or a parent pushing their baby in a stroller.  My blood boils when I see a pregnant woman – I actually get MAD when I see a pregnant woman.  That’s not fair.  I don’t know their story.  I’m just jealous.  I’ve never been a jealous person, but this new me is.  This new me is prone to tears at random times.  This new me is never quite as happy as I used to be, though I put on a good face.  I hate this new me.  I want her to go away, but she sticks around…and I fear she’s here to stay.

you know what lady…

If you don’t want your baby, I will gladly take it off your hands.

I was at Target today, and as I was walking out to my car I saw a pregnant woman, probably around 6 or 7 months, in the parking lot – smoking.  Yup.  Sometimes, don’t you really just want to grab every pregnant woman you see who is harming her fetus and smack her across the face??  I really wanted to go up to her and say, “Lady, if you really don’t want your baby, stop smoking right now and I will take it off your hands as soon as it’s born!”  There ought to be a service for IF women to get babies from women who don’t give a shit.  I know there’s adoption, but those women care for their children, or they would not be giving them up.  Plus, adoption is so prohibitivly expensive!  I’d love to be connected to a woman who dosen’t want her child, offer to pay all the medical appointments and then take the baby once it’s born.  That seems fair.  they don’t want thier baby, I desperatly do!  Good trade!

Sorry…just venting.