introducing…

Hey folks…a quick post to let you know: I had my baby!   I went in for my regular check up on Monday, and ended up being admitted, induced and then an emergency c-section yesterday.  More details will come later.  Basically baby’s heartbeat kept dropping too low so they needed to get HER out quick (yes, a little girl).  After birth she was still having some heart issues, so she’s been in NICU since then.  I’ve only seen her for about 5 seconds which has been very very hard for me, but she is doing well and they think she’ll be in the room with me by afternoon 🙂

So, the stats:

7 lbs 15.9 oz

21″ long

born at 2:59 pm on February 8th, 2011

Her name is: Aibhilin Gladys (pronounced Ayv-leen).  It is a Gaelic name meaning “longed for child”, we thought that was pretty perfect.  Her middle name, Gladys was my great grandma’s name.

Okay, I will post all the details when I’m more coherent and in less pain.  We do have pictures, but I’m on my husbands computer and I don’t know where he put them.

 

Love to you all!

five years ago today…

Five years ago today, my life changed – and all for the better.  On July 16, 2005 I married my wonderful and amazing husband, Justin.  We’ve had a rough time the last 3.5 yrs, but it has only made us stronger together and made me love him more.  He is sensitive and caring and always there for me when I need him.  I only hope I am the same for him.  We have a long road ahead of us, but I can only hope that come February we will have one more reason to celebrate together and fall in love all over again.  I love you Justin, and I can’t imagine my life with out you!

We did our pictures before the wedding, so this is shortly after we saw each other for the first time that day, all dolled up.  We got a bunch of great shots of the actual moment, where we twirled each other around, but I won’t bore you with those 😀  Doesn’t my man look amazing in a kilt??

We got married at the camp I had grown up next to, gone to as a camper and worked at my whole life.  It is a beautiful location and I was so happy to have my special day there.  Of course, it was the middle of July in Minnesota, so it was 98 degrees outside with about 80% humidity!!  Don’t believe Minnesota gets hot??  Come on up in the summer time!

My amazing bridesmaids: Best Friend Susie, my College Roommate Kiersten and my Niece Nicole.  They were all great!  The dresses we picked out didn’t come in junior sizes so I had my friend Kate recreate the dresses in a smaller size for Nicole – and it turned out beautiful!  Kate also made the flower girl dress and of course, my dress!

The groomsmen: Justin’s brother Josh, his Friend Chris, and my Friend Josh.  They were all good sports and agreed to wear kilts as well.  There was a lot of sexy man leg around!  Not only all the groomsmen and the groom, but both of our pastors wore a kilt and a number of our guests wore either kilts or man skirts.  It was great!

Justin’s family and my amazing In-Laws!  Brenda has been the best mother-in-law and is always supportive of both Justin and I.  Josh and I can talk in movie quotes all day long.  Since the wedding the family has grown to include Josh’s wife Jenn and their 2 kids Logan and Bella.

My family:  Dad-Nevin, Mom-Debby, Me, Sister-Robbin, Sister-Shannon, Bro-in-Law John, and niece Nicole.  Since then we’ve also added my niece Hannah!

One of the best shots of the whole wedding!  Sadly, my friend Kiersten got cut out mostly.  It was a lot of fun to do these shots though, and this is the one that turned out the best.  Look at those Twinkle Toes!! 😀

Our Ring Bearer Glen and Flower Girl Sophie – aren’t they just adorable!  There was a downhill slope to where the wedding was, and they ran the whole way down!  I was so afraid they were going to fall and do summer salts down the hill, but they made it!  Glen was great with little Sophie and held her hand the whole way so she would go to the right spot.

Justin and I walked in down the aisle together.  I never liked how people only stand up for the Bride – it was Justin’s day too and I wanted people to acknowledge that.  Of course, I think we just ended up confusing them and NO ONE stood up for us!  I guess I should have had the pastors instruct everyone to stand when we came in!  There were 2 aisle down to the front, then we met in the middle and continued the rest of the way together.  I loved it.

Our pastors Bob & Tripp.  Bob was my boss/pastor at the organization I worked at when I was in Lutheran Volunteer Corps and is a ELCA Lutheran Pastor.  Tripp is a wonderful friend of both Justin and I and had just gotten ordained into the ABC/USA (American Baptist) right before our wedding – this covered both Justin & I 😀  We also had Justin’s cousin, Andy, a Missouri Synod Lutheran pastor do our blessing.  I think we’re covered on most fronts (we know a lot of pastors)!  They all had stoles made out of the same material as Justin’s kilt.

My parents, checking to see if the pulled pork is ready to go for the reception!  Since the camp where we got married is literally right next door to my parents house, we had the reception there in the brand new shed my dad had just finished building that summer.  Really – I helped him put in the last bit of concrete 2 days before the wedding!

Our cake.  My sister Shannon and her husband John made and decorated it.  It was very pretty and fit in so well with everything else!  Also…yummy sheet cakes to go with it.  We of course, forgot to actually do the cake cutting at the reception (come on, it was hot, I just got married…you expect me to remember something like that).  We saved the top and froze it to eat on our first anniversary – yeah, I think it’s still in my parents freezer in the basement…

The reception was perfect, exactly what we wanted!  Low key, cheap and fun!  It was “catered” by a friend of my families.  By that I mean, Buster made all the food and dropped it off, but it was a serve yourself kind of thing!  It was great to have all of our friends and family together all at once, and to see different groups of friends come together for the first time.

Our first dance.  It was supposed to be to Norah Jones – Come Away With Me (the lyrics were perfect for the long distance relationship we had for 2 yrs), but I couldn’t find my CD and the DJ forgot to bring the song.  So it ended up being to Alison Krauss – When You Say Nothing at All (which was also perfect).  In the background you can see our keg.  Nothing but the best for our wedding! 😀

It was the perfect day with my perfect man.  I’m glad I have the pictures to help remind me (do any of YOU remember your wedding day exactly?).  Even though we’ve had heart break and tragedy, we’ve had each other.  We’ve journeyed together down this Long and Winding Road, and I’m looking forward to another 50-55 yrs more!

mfm update and the loss…

Hey all…sorry it’s been a while since I updated. It’s been a hectic week, and I just haven’t taken the time to get it all down.

On Tuesday I went in to see the MFM. He confirmed the miscarriage (not that there was any doubt) and then spent some time talking to me. He doesn’t think there is any reason why I can’t carry a child full term. After taking my history, the scan and looking at records from my other doctors he said he believes that I’ve just had bad luck that past 2 times. That for my 2 pregnancies unfortunately the egg that has fertilized have had some sort of genetic defect and so they did not work out. He said this happens sometimes and there’s no reason to think it will continue to happen. I am having some blood testing done, but it’s mainly just to rule out things like Thyroid problems and diabetes. He wasn’t really convinced I even needed the blood testing done, but since I’ve never been tested for these problems before (really, shouldn’t my fertility clinic have done this???) he said it would be a good idea. I am to go in 8 weeks after the miscarriage is over, get the testing, and he will get the results about a week or two after that and then call and discuss it with me. He recommended staying on the metformin since it did work.

He actually knows the doctor I had at the fertility clinic. He said, “Oh, I’m sure he tested for thyroid problems and these other things before he started your treatment, they always do that.” I couldn’t remember that ever being done, so we had my files faxed over, and sure enough, they never tested for ANY of the things the MFM wanted me checked for. I get more and more frustrated with that place the more I learn. They diagnosed me PCOS, but never mentioned Metformin. I went in with fertility issues, and they never checked, what I’ve gleaned to be, some major causes of infertility. They didn’t even want to figure out what was wrong with me when I first went in. My doctor wanted to jump straight to IVF. At that point, we’d been trying on our own for a year with no luck. I was very frustrated that they didn’t even want to see if there was something wrong with me before they jumped straight to the end of the road! I had to be very insistent that I wanted all of the diagnostic work done BEFORE and course of treatments. Obviously, they didn’t do that. It’s very frustrating that we all have to go through all this crap and basically teach ourselves about the world of IF and ART’s in order to make sure that we are getting proper treatment! After 3 years of this I would be a much better patient going into that clinic now. I’d know what they were doing, I’d know what I needed and I’d be able to ask the right questions. I really do think the 2 years and X number of dollars I spent at that place were almost a complete waste. The only thing that ever came out of that was my first pregnancy, my Declan. Even though I lost him, I wouldn’t trade the time I had with him for the world.

Or with Sophie for that matter. Yesterday I took the day off of work. Wednesday night I started bleeding and passing tissue. I knew I was in for a lot more on Thursday so I took the day off. I thought I was getting off pretty easy because the cramping was not too painful and everything seemed to be going okay. At around 4 pm however, I realized the worst was just beginning. I spent about an hour in terrible pain, crying and throwing up. It was just as bad as I remembered it being at the hospital the first time, only then I had IV pain meds to help out a bit. I won’t get into too many details, but today I think it’s pretty much over. I haven’t passed any tissue since late last night, the cramping is mostly gone and I only have a bit of bleeding now.

I’m glad that it is finally over. I of course am devastated that I lost my child, but I think anyone who has lost a child will tell you, you just want it over at that point. It’s heartbreaking to know you are carrying your child, but it is no long living with you, growing and being nourished by you. With both of my little ones I carried them for 3 weeks after they had already left me.

This means too that I can start the 8 week count down until my blood tests. We are not supposed to try until after the results are in. When he told me that I almost started crying in the office. I had been able to hold it all in until he told me it would be another 2 or 3 months until we could try again. I know it’s for a good reason, and hopefully we’ll be able to use the results to prevent future losses, but it’s going to be a long 3 months.

I want to thank all of you for your love and support through all of this. All of the comments on the last post were a blessing to me and my husband. I don’t know what I would do with out this community to talk with and support. Blessing does not even begin to cover it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

i love my husband…

My husband Justin is the most caring, wonderful man in the whole wide world.  I love him very much.  He wrote a post on his blog about our loss.  Please check it out.

saying goodbye again…

I went in for a doctors appointment on Monday.  As I said in my last post, I’d been having some abdomen pain, no cramping, just a tight, stretchy feeling.  After talking with a bunch of friends and the great comments I got from you all here & on Twitter, I had convinced myself this was normal and nothing was wrong.  I did however set up the appointment anyway, because I was going crazy having to wait until Feb 8th for my next one!

Doctor came in and I told her why I was there.  She said, “If I had known why you came in I would have told them not to schedule you, this is just normal pregnancy stuff.  Well, since you’re here we’ll do a regular check up.”  She turned on the u/s machine and got started.  She had the monitor turned away from me.  She was taking a long time to look, and not saying anything.  My stomach started to drop.  She wasn’t looking at me, just staring at the screen with a confused look on her face, punching buttons.  I knew it was over at that point.  She finally said, “I’m sorry, but I’m not seeing much growth from the last appointment, and I can’t find a heartbeat.  I’m very sorry.”  She took some measurements and the baby had only grown 1 day from my first appointment with her.  One day.  6 weeks 4 days old, that’s it.

Whatever I thought going into that appointment, I was definitely not prepared to hear that my baby had died.  The doctor sat and talked with us for a while, but I honestly don’t remember much.  I just wanted to get out of there and go home.  She did refer me to a high risk pregnancy specialist so we can figure out what’s causing this and hopefully prevent it in the future.

I can’t believe I’m in this place again.  This dark place where I have to live with the fact that my body, once again, could not provide for my child.  It’s heart breaking and I just don’t understand it.  I’m once again having to find a way to deal with the death of a child, a child that I never got to know.

While I know that my child is gone, my body has yet to catch up with that.  Nothing has started to happen yet, though my doctor said since the baby was so young I shouldn’t have any problems passing it on my own.  My other child was 8 wks and I had a D&C.  I’m not sure about this time.  I think it will depend on how much pain I experience.  Last time was unbearable, even on the pain meds.  I’m hoping I won’t have to have the surgery.  I just don’t know what to expect or when to expect things to get started.  It’s simply a waiting game right now.

We’ve decided to name this baby Sophie.  It’s the name that was in one of the dreams I had (mentioned here).  It’s originally from the Greek Sophia, which means wisdom.  I’m hoping in this loss that we can find some wisdom.  That the doctor can find out why this keeps happening, and that we can prevent it in the future.  I really thought I would never survive a 2nd miscarriage, and who knows, maybe I can’t.  I haven’t really let myself deal with it yet.  I’ve had to be at work all week due to some projects that couldn’t wait.  I haven’t had time to really deal with it all.  I don’t think I will until it all actually begins.

Thank you to everyone for your love, support and prayers during this time.  It really does mean a lot that we have this support system, both in our real lives and in the cyber world.  You are my strength and my support through so much of this and I couldn’t do it with out you.

it has begun…

Yup, started my Metformin last night!  Yay me!  So, here’s the scoop:

I was given 500 mg Metformin and told to take it 3 times a day.  However, thanks to suggests from you all here on my blog (especially Maybe Baby?) and also from my IF sisters on Twitter I’ve decided to ease into it.  I’ll do 1 week with just one pill, then week 2 switch to 2 and week 3 be up to the full dose/day.  I’ve also restarted my pre-natal vitamins.  I know, I know…don’t even say it.  After the last BFN I pretty much went through my house and threw all of my IF supplies into a bag and shoved it in my closet (the needles, syringes, left over Endometrium, Pre-natals, etc…).  This morning I dug around looking for the bag and pulled the Pre-Natals out and took one this morning.  Yes folks, hope is again knocking on my door…and I REALLY want to answer.

I’ve also decided to hold off on the Clomid that I was prescribed.  I wasn’t expecting it in the first place, and I’ve always been a bit wary of Clomid, just from things I’ve read about it.  So the plan right now is taking the Metformin to regulate my cycles and also using OPK’s and BBT to make sure things are happening the way they “should” happen.  Once I’ve had a cycle or 2 (or 3) that seem “normal”, we will do one of two things.

1) Call the endocrinologist that was recommended to me (may do this earlier if it turns out insurance will cover it) and talk with her about the Met and possibly starting the Clomid.

2) Call my old fertility clinic and do one last try at IUI (which we are saved up for and can do whenever, but want to try this Met stuff for a while first)

So – there it is!  Hopefully something along the way will work for me and I’ll be pregnant BEFORE my next birthday (which is the big 3-0.  Yikes).  It’s just really nice at this point to have some freakin’ OPTIONS rather than sinking into a pool of despair.  Yay!

I’ve also been working out regularly.  I joined Curves and I got 3 times a week as they recommend.  I haven’t missed a week yet!  I’m feeling pretty good about that, and hoping also that now I’m on the Metformin it’ll help me loose weight, too.  The next hurdle is the diet.  I’ve never felt that I eat poorly, per se, but I don’t eat as well as I should.  And I love carbs.  I LOVE CARBS.  Give me a loaf of fresh bread anyday!!  Yum.  So, you can see we have a bit of a problem there, but one I’m willing to work on.  The DH and I were on the South Beach Diet for a while and it was working pretty good…I lost 10 pounds on that – before we crashed and failed!  So, I might try to somewhat go back to that, or really, just be more conscious about what I eat.

So far, no side effects to report on the Metformin, but I purposely started my doses at night, so I could sleep through whatever may happen on them…at least for the first week.  Really hoping I don’t get hit too hard with stuff.  Usually, if I do experience side effects from meds, it wears off eventually, so I’m hoping I keep up that tradition.  Okay…hope you are all well!!!!

interesting news…

So in trying to get prepared for my meeting with the gynecologist next Thursday I called my nurse at FCI to get my PCOS diagnosis results faxed over so I could take them in to the appointment.  She gathered together the info and explained it to me over the phone yesterday before she faxed it, which was nice.  I now know that my PCOS diagnosis was not just a shot in the dark (they never properly explained it all to me until now, when I asked about it…guess that shows you really need to be an active participant in this whole process!!).  I DEFINITELY have PCOS.  I want to help any of you out there who may not be sure what that all entails, so this is what my nurse explained to me:

1) Antral Follicle count greater than 24 (mine for the past few checks were 40, 35, 27, 35)

2) Irregular Menstrual cycles (Yup, check…)

3) “Pearl Necklace” appearance to ovaries  (this means there are small, pearl like bumps surrounding your ovaries)

4) High androgens (shown through physical appearance and blood tests)

5) LH to FSH ratios should be 1:1 (mine are not…one test was FSH 3.20 and LH 0.842)

So, now that I KNOW my diagnosis better, I feel better prepared to go into my appointment with test results, articles and determination at hand!  I’m really not anticipating much of a fight, but I’m ready if I have to!

But that’s not the interesting news…after explaining it all to me she said she had a question for me.  She wanted to know if we have ever considered IVF.  I told her we are very open to it, but the cost is just too prohibitive.  She then informed me that the clinic is doing a trial for PCOS patients to do IVF at a reduced cost and that she had spoken with the nurse in charge to get us into the trial if we want.  I told her if it was very reduced we would definitely be interested.  So, she faxed over my info and went off to talk to the nurse in charge of the trial.

About 15 min later she called back with the info.  Normal IVF cycles at my clinic are $10,500 +meds ($1-2,000).  The trial is cut in half: $5,500 +meds.  Wow.  I love my nurse.  Not only did she think of us when she heard about this trial, but she spoke with the nurse in charge directly and she is waiting for our call to say if we would like to do it.  I *heart* Jaime (my nurse).  The only catch is that we need to get started before December.  And that’s where the bummer part comes in.

The DH and I discussed it last night.  While we would both love to jump on this opportunity (IVF will NEVER be this cheap again), we just won’t have $7,000 by December.  If we had a bit more time to save up we could maybe have done it, but it just isn’t possible right now.  I hate to give up this opportunity, especially since Jaime worked so hard to get us considered for the trial, but there you go.  I’m upset we have to pass it up, but on the other hand I’m doing okay.  If I didn’t have the Metformin option that we’re working on to fall back on I would have pressed a little harder to try and find a way to do the IVF, but we do have the Metformin “safety net” so at least I’m not completely out of options.

That being said, if any of you win the lottery in the next few weeks and want to donate $5,000 to me, I won’t say no!

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