a year ago today…

This is my 100th post.  It seems fitting that this would be my topic on this milestone in my blogging life.

A year ago today my world came crashing down around me.

A year ago today my body could hold on no longer.

A year ago today they said to me, “don’t worry, it happens to 1 in 4 women”

A year ago today I was scared.

A year ago today I didn’t understand why.

A year ago today I was in excruciating pain.

A year ago today my heart broke.

A year ago today my husband held me as we both broke down.

A year ago today I lost all of my hopes and dreams.

A year ago today, my baby died.

Though it’s been a year, the pain is still fresh.  There are a lot of things that I don’t remember about that day, the grief was so much that I think it’s over written some of the details, but I do remember most of it.  I would have never guessed that in the year that I lost my first child, I would loose a second as well.  I know my beautiful Declan is watching over his precious sister Sophie.  At least if they can’t be with me, I’m glad that they are together.

My husband and I don’t normally do Valentines gifts to each other, but this year there was something that I very much wanted.  I spelled it out very specifically for him and said, “just an idea!”  But I knew he would do it.  Here is what he got me:

It’s a necklace with the names of my babies and their (would have been) birthstones.  An opal for Declan (October) and a Peridot for Sophie (August, the same as me).  It was ordered from La Bella Dame.  If you’re looking for something to remember your little one, or as a gift for someone I’d recommend this company.

Hoping (knowing) that this is what I was getting I wanted to get something for him to remember our little ones by.  I think I’ve mentioned this before, but Justin is in seminary now, working on becoming an ordained minister in the American Baptist Church/USA.  I wanted to get a cross for him, something he could use in his prayer time if he wanted.  He’s not a bit jewelery person (he had a hard time adjusting to the wedding ring!), so I wanted something that wouldn’t HAVE to be worn if he didn’t want to.  This is what I got him:

It has their names and the days that we lost them (the day we found out they were gone).  He wears it every day.

This day is hard, harder because of my recent loss.  Hard because if he had survived, he would be about 5 months old now.  Hard because we’re still on the long and winding road, trying to find our baby.  I miss you Declan, and I always will.  I love you.