wishing I “knew” you…

I check the blogs of my IF blogging “friends” at least twice a day, sometimes more.  I check some of them more often when I know something is going on in their IF world, or if they’re expecting results so I can keep up to date with them, offer comments when I feel I can say something, and generally just keep them in my thoughts.  I don’t comment on everyone’s blog (sorry), but I do think of you all.

Getting through all of the IF crap is tough, we all know that!  I have some amazingly wonderful friends in my real life who are helpful and are with me in my struggle.  However, sometimes I wish I had some of you in my real life.  Someone who is going through this crap right now that I could call up and cry to on the phone.  There should be and IF bloggers calling tree for when one of us is having a particularly hard time of it!  Or conventions…that are free, as we can’t afford to be paying to go to a convention when there is no insurance coverage for most of us!

I guess I’m just having a rough month (well, year really, but this past month has been close to unbearable).  Just need some time off to sort through everything I guess.

what the heck…

So I just got the call back from my nurse. I have a 24 mm cyst. What the heck? I’ve never had that before! What does that even mean? How did it get there? She said anything over 20 and we can’t do the IUI because the drugs could effect it too much, so – canceled. WTF!!!!!!!! I’m supposed to call with my next period. I told her that could be 3 or 4 months! I was so upset. She offered to check with the doctor and call me back. So the new plan is if I haven’t got a visit from our dear Aunt Flo in 36 days to call her back and they will prescribe me the drugs that jump start my cycle.

I can’t even handle this right now. I’m so upset. Did I do something wrong? On my last ultrasound with my last cycle before the IUI, I didn’t “guide in” the wand very well apparently and the tech kinda jabbed it in. After that I had a brown discharge for about 2 weeks after. Did that cause the cyst? Should I have said something to my nurse about that? I just figured it was my freaky body acting up again and that’s why the IUI didn’t work this last time, but now I don’t know. Just today again now I’m having some of the same brown discharge, which I haven’t had since then, and today was the u/s. Did that cause this? Urgh!!

I’ve never had a cyst before. Does this happen with PCOS often? What do I do? My nurse didn’t seem concerned at all, said it would go away with my next cycle – but what if it doesn’t. Do I need to see my Gyno? I want to just go crawl into a hole and cry for the next 36 days. I was just starting to recover for the BFN last week, now this! I feel like this is a whole month lost now…I month I was very hopeful something good would happen. My 29th birthday is at the end of this month. I was hoping for a great bday present…I was hoping to be pregnant before that milestone. I WAS pregnant before that milestone. This just sucks – big time.

dare to believe…

Monday is the day of the blood test to see if the IUI worked.  I’m nervous.  I’m expecting a negative outcome, as I haven’t experienced any of the symptoms that I did last time when it had worked.  However, it’s a crazy tight rope the IFers walk between hope and despair.  While I’m not expecting any good news on Monday, I do have some hope in me.

This hope comes from my dear friend Carly.  She is in Italy for a portion of this summer with a group from the college she works at.  One of her stops was in Assisi.  Justin and I asked her to perhaps say a prayer for us there.  We have adopted St. Francis of Assisi as our family patron saint.  We both love and respect what he did in life and what he stands for in death.  We have a beautiful icon of him that was painted by our friend Larry as a wedding gift (Justin gave it to me as a gift, he commissioned it from Larry.  I gave him a flask.  I think we get each other very well).  Well just yesterday we got a message from Carly, and I hope she won’t mind if I post it here:

“As requested, I carried your prayers with me to Assisi and had the most remarkable experience when I was there. I don’t know what it all means with regard to my prayers for you, but I wanted to share it with you anyway.

“In the chapel where they keep St. Francis’s remains, they have candles you can get with a donation and then leave at the altar. They ask you not to light them, but just to leave them as an offering. So, I got my candles, for you and for a few others, and carried them up to the altar. As I approached, the friar who had been sitting over at the benediction place made eye contact with me and jumped up as if he had been expecting me. It was so very strange. It was like he had been waiting for me. He came and took my candles from me, blew out the candles that were on the St. Francis altar (which were not burned down in the least) and replaced them with the candles I had brought. There were 50 people bringing candles to the altar and he used mine (yours) as the altar candles. I prayed for you as he lit yours, then spent some more time in prayer for you.

“I wanted to share this experience with you. I can not convey how intense it was in the moment, but I want you to know that your patron saint is looking out for you and your friend loves you very much. I am bringing home an olive wood rosary for you as well as some blessed prayer cards from inside the St. Francis chapel.

“My love and prayers are with you at this time, and always, Carly”

After I cleared the tears from my eyes, I responded with our thanks and love for her prayers and for all she gives us with her friendship.  Now, I don’t know if this is a sign that things will be all right now, or just that our future is blessed, no matter what the outcome.  Whatever it means, it has given me some hope and I will cling to it no matter what happens on Monday.

francis

A gift…

My dear friend Carly has been amazing over the last few months.  I so happy for all of the support that I’ve recieved on this blog from the IF world, but it’s great to also have someone who you know and see that can relate to what you’re going through.  The other day she told me that she had sent a small package to Justin and I to be a “talisman” for us during our struggle.  It just arrived in the mail yesterday:

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You may be wondering why she sent us a bee pendant.  Well, bees are one of the symbols associated with St. Rita.  Rita was born to elderly parents on May 22, 1382.   Here is the story of her birth and the first appearance of the bees (source):

On Saturday, May 22, 1382 – during the reign of Pope Urban VI – in a small village, three miles from Cascia, Rita was born to Antonio Mancini and Amata Ferre. Antonio and Amata were an older pious couple who had consecrated every day of their wedded life to the service of God, spending their time caring for the poor. One night, while Amata was praying, an angel appeared to her in a vision and told her that it was the will of God that she would have a daughter who would, from her birth, be marked with a seal of sanctity. God made it known to Amata that her name would be Rita, which was given to her four days after her birth when she was baptized at St. Mary’s Church in Cascia.

Five days after her birth, a swarm of bees hovered over Rita as she slept in her cradle. “The bees alighted on her lips,…, and were seen to enter and issue forth from her partially opened mouth without harming her or causing her to awaken from her slumber.

The bees are black and white, and they still live at a monestary devoted to St. Rita.  They also have no stinger.  “Saint Rita has been one of the most popular Saints in the Church for centuries. She is known as the ‘Saint of the Impossible’ because of her amazing answers to prayers, as well as the remarkable events of her own life.”  Rita is the patron saint of many areas, including: desperate causes, impossible causes, infertility, parenthood and sterility.  I think I’m covered somewhere in there…

Carly sent along a note with the pendant so that we would know what this bee thing was all about.  As I was reading it outloud to my husband my voice broke and the tears came.  This means so much to me.  I’m so lucky to have Carly in my life, who knows and understands what I’m going through and always seems to have the right thing to say.  I can’t even explain what it means to me to have something like this, something physical that I can cling to.  Something I can wear and know that, to me, it has meaning and power.   I’m planning to wear this pendant every day now, to give me strength while I go through the next stage of my infertility.

St. Rita’s feast day is May 22nd.  This is about the same time I will be starting with my next IUI cycle.  Carly mentioned this in the note, and it seems almost pre-ordained that the feast day of the patron Saint of infertility should coinside so closly with the next step of my journey.

While Justin and I were starting our first IUI cycle our pastors, who are also very close friends of ours, were on Sabbatical.  They were in Ireland for a good portion of their time off and while there, they prayed for us at a spring in Ireland that is supposed to be a powerful source of fertility.  It meant a lot to us that they would think of us and do something like that for us.  I like to think that their actions had something to do with our IUI success.  Unfortunatly, it didn’t last.  I can only hope that this new symbol can help us now that we are starting again.

Thank you Carly – we love you very much.