facing fear again…

On Sunday, June 6th I took a pregnancy test.  It was positive.  My first response?  I broke into tear – I was terrified.  Scared that I would again loose my baby again.  Of course, I was happy, too, that I was pregnant again and had a chance, but the fear was there.

I called my MFM doctor on Monday, June 7th and set up a 1st ultrasound for June 25th.  Called my ob/gyn and set up an appointment for July 12th (after lots of phone calls, being told I’d need to see a different doctor because she was booked up and talking directly with her nurse, that’s a whole different story that I’m not gonna go into right now though).  Tuesday, June 8th I decided that it was too long of a wait and wanted to do some beta tests.  I spoke with my ob doc and beta tests were set for that Thursday and Saturday.

Beta #1 (20 dpo) -1950

Beta #2 (22 dpo) – 3376

Good numbers right?  I began to rest a bit easier, that I’d at least make it to my first appointment.

Monday, June 14th I woke up to spotting.  Not much, just a bit on the TP, but enough to make my heart drop.  Called my ob and she told me to move my MFM appointment up to the end of the week if possible, sent me in for a beta test that day.  MFM appointment was switched to that Friday, the 18th.

Beta #3 (24 dpo) – 5999

Progesterone: 10.4

I was told that my progesterone was a bit low and to ask the MFM doctor about it at my appointment.  I told the nurse over the phone that I still had some progesterone inserts from when I was going through treatments and asked if I should use those.  She gave me a very definitive no, that I should ask the MFM doc what to do.  Spotting continued throughout the week, but still very little, and no cramping.

Friday, I go to the MFM doctor for my first u/s…hoping that the baby is big enough to see a heartbeat, and that it even has a heartbeat.  I’m guessing I’m about 6wks (based on when I ovulated).  The u/s starts, and I just can tell it’s not good news.  I see no little flickering.  The doctor doesn’t say a word.  At one point he grabs my hand and holds me on my wrist.  At first I think he’s trying to comfort me, but then I realized he was probably checking my pulse for some reason?  He asks if I’m sure on the date of my last period.  I tell him yes, but my ovulation was late, so I’m not as far along as the stupid pregnancy wheel says I am.  He says okay, we’ll need to check and the u/s is over.

The nurse leaves the room and we talk.  He tells me that yes, there is a pregnancy there, but that it is too small to detect a heartbeat.  He pulls out the wheel again and, basing on my ovulation, says I’m somewhere in the 5 + week point.  He says we will try again in one week.  He also tells me that either the baby is too small to see the heart beat, or I am having a miscarriage.  There is no way to tell yet.  Then he points to the pictures on the screen and shows me that there are 2 sacs – two.  The 2nd is underdeveloped and he says that could be what’s causing the bleeding.  So I go back this Friday, June 25th, to see what’s going on.

I told him about the low progesterone and that I had some inserts, asked if I should use them, and that the nurse had told me not too.  He said I should absolutely use them and asked why the nurse had told me not too.  Very good question doctor, wish I knew.

Of course, as soon as I left the appointment, my spotting turned from just a bit on the TP to a full flow.  Figures.  It had been all pink & brown up until that point, but that day, it was bright red.  It has since slowed down again and no longer red.  I’m hoping that it was from the ultrasound wand, it was a pretty aggressive examination, but honestly, I don’t have much hope at this point.

When I got my first 2 beta numbers, my brain started thinking twins, they just seemed so high for so early on.  Guess I was right, but no longer.  If nothing else, I have lost one, and possibly I have lost both.  I have to wait again, until Friday to find out – hopefully we’ll know then.

I called the ob doc on Friday to tell her what happened at the u/s and request more beta tests for this week.  She was not in (she only in on Mondays & Fridays, and apparently has a lot of vacation the next few weeks…), so the nurse said, “Oh, I’m sure your MFM doctor will talk to her Monday and she’ll want to do 2 more beta draws.  She’ll call you then.”  I highly doubt that.  I will be calling back today.

So – that’s the story so far.  That’s why I haven’t been blogging.  I really wanted to tell you all, but there are IRL people who read my blog, and I needed to make sure to contact certain people to tell them what was going on before they read about it on the blog – it’s just how it is.

Now my story is out there.  I’m still spotting, still have no cramping.  I know I’ve lost one baby, and think I’ve lost another.  I’m not sure where to go next.  I’ve always wanted twins.  Maybe someday my luck will turn around.  I just can’t believe I’m in this place again.  And that I’m still stuck in this eternal limbo of not knowing.  It’s frustrating and painful.  Last week, I was calm.  Nervous, but accepting of what was happening and what probably would happen.  But now, seeing the u/s, knowing there were 2, but not knowing still what is happening, it really drug me down.  I can’t get back to that hopeful and accepting state I was in last week.  Friday can not come soon enough.


16 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Keiko
    Jun 21, 2010 @ 12:08:18

    I’m am so so sorry for your loss. I know there’s nothing I can say to take away some of the hurt and pain… instead I’m sending you wishes for peace and comfort when you can find them in the coming days. My heart broke reading this, and reading of your pain and loss. So, so sorry. *hug*


  2. jo
    Jun 21, 2010 @ 12:16:51

    Oh, sweetie. I could have written this exact post six months ago. I’m so sorry you are going through this, and I understand how hard the waiting is. Sending lots of hugs and hopes for a surprisingly wonderful outcome at your next appointment.



    • meggomae
      Jun 21, 2010 @ 12:25:52

      Thanks Jo, it helps to know I’ve got people thinking of me and supporting me…I’ve been following your blog, and hoping the best for you and Mo!


  3. Aly
    Jun 21, 2010 @ 13:13:33

    Ugh, I am so sorry to hear that you are dealing with all of this. I will keep you in my thoughts and hopefully you will get some amazingly good news at your next appointment. Take care of yourself during this difficult time.


  4. michelehaytko
    Jun 21, 2010 @ 15:27:50

    Oh honey… I’m so sorry. Sending lots of hugs and warm thoughts..


  5. Erin
    Jun 21, 2010 @ 16:37:47

    Hugs hugs. This is such an awful thing to be going through. The waiting is so frustrating, and the doctors often aren’t much help. Sending lots of positive thoughts!


  6. Caiti
    Jun 21, 2010 @ 20:34:14

    You and Justin are in my prayers daily. Please know that we are thinking of you.


  7. Stolen Eggs
    Jun 22, 2010 @ 09:16:51

    I am so sorry for your loss. Hang in there. Sending good karma your way.


  8. mrstiye
    Jun 24, 2010 @ 02:27:00

    All I have is hugs!


  9. Justine
    Jun 28, 2010 @ 11:34:32

    I am so sorry. You’ll be in my thoughts … sending hugs from a stranger.


  10. sara
    Jun 28, 2010 @ 14:19:38

    I’m so so sorry. It’s heartbreaking to have to sit through an ultrasound like that. I am so sorry.


  11. Mrs. Gamgee
    Jun 28, 2010 @ 18:43:09

    Stopping by from LFCA…

    I am so very sorry. Hoping and praying for good news for you on Friday, but mostly praying for peace and healing.


  12. Sonja
    Jun 28, 2010 @ 21:58:40

    Sending you hugs, love, and peace.


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