worth a thousand words…

Here’s the little one, hopefully there will be more pictures to post someday…

heart beat: 125 bpm

measuring: 6wk 5d

EDD: 2/13/2011

Grow baby, grow!

houston, we have a…

HEART BEAT!!

Yup – just got back from the doctor and there is indeed a tiny Thornburgh in there, with a 125 bpm heart beat, and measuring 6wks 5d.

However…there is a blood clot right next to the baby, about 1 in long.  This is what was causing my bleeding.  The MFM said there is nothing we can do about it.  I’m just supposed to take it very easy, and check again in 1 month with another ultrasound.  Luckily, I have my ob/gyn appointment on July 12th, so I’m hoping she will want to do an u/s then.  Until then: REST REST REST!  That is my NEW mantra!

I’m going to take a nap now, but I wanted to post the update quick.  OH!  If all goes well, my EDD is February 13th, 2010.  Hopefully we can get there!

Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who has sent me messages, comments and Twitter support.  I love you all and this journey is a bit easier knowing I have you all with me.  Thank you.

beta #4…

So on Monday I called and talked with my ob/gyn.  I spoke with her about the u/s last Friday.  She said that there was a 6 wk fetal pole.  This was good news, the MFM never told me how far along it measured.  I asked her if I could get another Beta test before my u/s this Friday.  She said at this point, she doesn’t need to see any more numbers, but if I wanted to get the test done for my own peace of mind I could.  She did warn me though that rising or falling numbers could mean nothing.  I understood, but wanted the tests anyway.  I also asked her to recheck my progesterone.

Results are in.  Beta #4 was 26,022, Progesterone still low at 11.4

Doctor said that the beta numbers were good, and we’ll just have to keep watching the progesterone, though at this point, what’s more important is that there is a heartbeat when I go in for the ultrasound tomorrow.

I hadn’t been using the progesterone inserts the last few days.  Maybe that was dumb.  I kinda wanted to see what the numbers would do on there own I guess.  I’m a moron, what can I say.  Needless to say, I’ll be using them from now on!  Though, I’ll have to forgo the dose tomorrow morning due to the ultrasound.  If the news is good then *fingers crossed*  I’ll be going back on them.  I’ll also have to ask for a new prescription, as I only have 2 wks worth.

So, that’s the update for now.  My u/s is at 2pm tomorrow.  I’ve taken the afternoon off of work so I can either celebrate or go home and cry myself to sleep.  Hopefully it’ll be the first one.

I’m still spotting some, though some days I’ll have nothing and the next day it’ll come back.  Some times just a bit on the TP, sometime it’ll show up on the pad (TMI, I know, sorry…)  I just wish it would go away.  It’s not leaving me much room for hope.

I want to thank all of my readers, commenters and Twitter pals – you guys have been awesome and very supportive.  I’ve also gotten some great help from IRL friends and family, and I couldn’t appreciate all of that more!  It is wonderful to know I have so many people thinking of Justin and I and supporting us in through this whole journey.  Thank you.

facing fear again…

On Sunday, June 6th I took a pregnancy test.  It was positive.  My first response?  I broke into tear – I was terrified.  Scared that I would again loose my baby again.  Of course, I was happy, too, that I was pregnant again and had a chance, but the fear was there.

I called my MFM doctor on Monday, June 7th and set up a 1st ultrasound for June 25th.  Called my ob/gyn and set up an appointment for July 12th (after lots of phone calls, being told I’d need to see a different doctor because she was booked up and talking directly with her nurse, that’s a whole different story that I’m not gonna go into right now though).  Tuesday, June 8th I decided that it was too long of a wait and wanted to do some beta tests.  I spoke with my ob doc and beta tests were set for that Thursday and Saturday.

Beta #1 (20 dpo) -1950

Beta #2 (22 dpo) – 3376

Good numbers right?  I began to rest a bit easier, that I’d at least make it to my first appointment.

Monday, June 14th I woke up to spotting.  Not much, just a bit on the TP, but enough to make my heart drop.  Called my ob and she told me to move my MFM appointment up to the end of the week if possible, sent me in for a beta test that day.  MFM appointment was switched to that Friday, the 18th.

Beta #3 (24 dpo) – 5999

Progesterone: 10.4

I was told that my progesterone was a bit low and to ask the MFM doctor about it at my appointment.  I told the nurse over the phone that I still had some progesterone inserts from when I was going through treatments and asked if I should use those.  She gave me a very definitive no, that I should ask the MFM doc what to do.  Spotting continued throughout the week, but still very little, and no cramping.

Friday, I go to the MFM doctor for my first u/s…hoping that the baby is big enough to see a heartbeat, and that it even has a heartbeat.  I’m guessing I’m about 6wks (based on when I ovulated).  The u/s starts, and I just can tell it’s not good news.  I see no little flickering.  The doctor doesn’t say a word.  At one point he grabs my hand and holds me on my wrist.  At first I think he’s trying to comfort me, but then I realized he was probably checking my pulse for some reason?  He asks if I’m sure on the date of my last period.  I tell him yes, but my ovulation was late, so I’m not as far along as the stupid pregnancy wheel says I am.  He says okay, we’ll need to check and the u/s is over.

The nurse leaves the room and we talk.  He tells me that yes, there is a pregnancy there, but that it is too small to detect a heartbeat.  He pulls out the wheel again and, basing on my ovulation, says I’m somewhere in the 5 + week point.  He says we will try again in one week.  He also tells me that either the baby is too small to see the heart beat, or I am having a miscarriage.  There is no way to tell yet.  Then he points to the pictures on the screen and shows me that there are 2 sacs – two.  The 2nd is underdeveloped and he says that could be what’s causing the bleeding.  So I go back this Friday, June 25th, to see what’s going on.

I told him about the low progesterone and that I had some inserts, asked if I should use them, and that the nurse had told me not too.  He said I should absolutely use them and asked why the nurse had told me not too.  Very good question doctor, wish I knew.

Of course, as soon as I left the appointment, my spotting turned from just a bit on the TP to a full flow.  Figures.  It had been all pink & brown up until that point, but that day, it was bright red.  It has since slowed down again and no longer red.  I’m hoping that it was from the ultrasound wand, it was a pretty aggressive examination, but honestly, I don’t have much hope at this point.

When I got my first 2 beta numbers, my brain started thinking twins, they just seemed so high for so early on.  Guess I was right, but no longer.  If nothing else, I have lost one, and possibly I have lost both.  I have to wait again, until Friday to find out – hopefully we’ll know then.

I called the ob doc on Friday to tell her what happened at the u/s and request more beta tests for this week.  She was not in (she only in on Mondays & Fridays, and apparently has a lot of vacation the next few weeks…), so the nurse said, “Oh, I’m sure your MFM doctor will talk to her Monday and she’ll want to do 2 more beta draws.  She’ll call you then.”  I highly doubt that.  I will be calling back today.

So – that’s the story so far.  That’s why I haven’t been blogging.  I really wanted to tell you all, but there are IRL people who read my blog, and I needed to make sure to contact certain people to tell them what was going on before they read about it on the blog – it’s just how it is.

Now my story is out there.  I’m still spotting, still have no cramping.  I know I’ve lost one baby, and think I’ve lost another.  I’m not sure where to go next.  I’ve always wanted twins.  Maybe someday my luck will turn around.  I just can’t believe I’m in this place again.  And that I’m still stuck in this eternal limbo of not knowing.  It’s frustrating and painful.  Last week, I was calm.  Nervous, but accepting of what was happening and what probably would happen.  But now, seeing the u/s, knowing there were 2, but not knowing still what is happening, it really drug me down.  I can’t get back to that hopeful and accepting state I was in last week.  Friday can not come soon enough.