and it just keeps on coming…

Hey guys…sorry it’s been a while.  I have had things to post about, I just haven’t been able to convince myself to do it.  I had my follow up appointment with my ob/gyn on Monday.  I should have known it was going to be a bad day when I got to work and realized that the appointment was that day, and not the next day as I had been thinking it was!

I got to the office and they showed me to the exam room.  I sat down to wait and then I heard the nurse calling me from the hallway.  I went out and she said “I need to get your weight.”  I thought, okay, kinda weird, but they do weigh you a lot when you go to see a doctor, so whatever.  She took my weight and then handed me a plastic cup.  “We’ll need a urine sample too.”  I kind of gave her a confused look.  “Really?  You need to test that?”  She looked back and said, “Yes, we need it every time you come in.”  It was then I realized what was going on.  I looked at the nurse and said, “They didn’t change the appointment did they.  This is for a miscarriage follow up.”  She looked down at my chart (the one she had been holding the whole time, the one she had JUST written my weight on, the one that said on the very first page that I had lost my baby) and looked back up to me with just a bit of panic in her eyes, “Oh, I’m sorry.  Okay, you can go and wait for the doctor.”

Yup.  If that wasn’t an unfriendly reminder of what I was going through, I don’t know what would be!  I’m really getting frustrated with doctors and their staff NOT LOOKING AT MY DAMN CHART BEFORE THEY TALK TO ME.  Seriously, is it so hard to open up a folder and see just WHY I’m in your office to begin with?  You know, shouldn’t that be an important first step to a visit?  I understand I live in Chicago, it’s a GINORMOUS town and my doctors see a lot of patients so they can’t be expect to remember me and my issues, but isn’t that what the charts are for?  So that they don’t have to remember all the details?  So they can read what it says and know what they are doing before they walk into the room??

The hubs and I have decided that after this whole mess is over that I should start looking for a new gynecologist.   She’s nice enough, but sometimes she just frustrates the heck out of me.  I have to explain EVERYTHING to her each time I go in.  She can’t do all the things for me that I need (monitor Metformin, etc).  I should really be with someone who’s specialty is infertility and high risk pregnancies.

So after the nurse spoke with me, I waited a bit for the doctor to come in.  She talked with me a bit about what the MFM doctor said and then she did a quick exam to make sure that things were going along okay.  I told her the MFM doc wants me to get some blood work done in 8 weeks and that I’m not supposed to try again until after those tests and the results have come in.  We’ll go from there.  Then she said she wanted me to go in for blood work to check my beta numbers.  She said “I can’t sign off on you trying again until the numbers are 5 or lower.”  I asked if it was necessary, since the MFM doc doesn’t want us trying until after the big blood tests.  She insisted on it “I just can’t let you try again until we know the numbers are falling.”  I said again to her, well we won’t be trying again until after the blood tests in 8 weeks to which she said, “Oh, that’s in 8 weeks?  Well, I’d still like you to go in.”  It’s like she had cotton in her ears or something!  I said to her at least 3 times that I was having all this blood work done, ordered by the MFM doc, and she didn’t seem to understand what I was saying.  I really don’t want to have to go in 2 times for blood work…can’t they just tack on the beta test with the rest and get it all done at once?  Apparently not.  So now I have 3 orders for blood work (2 betas, in case the first test numbers aren’t low enough I’ll have to go back in) and the tests for the MFM doctor.  At that point I was just ready to get the hell out of there.  I was mad and frustrated and just wanted to get home.

I had to run some errands quick, so I did that and went home.  I had to walk the dogs.  They got on my nerves.  I was also starting to cramp again so I knew I had to get inside quick.  The dogs were being very naughty on their walk and not listening so I was getting more angry and frustrated by the minute.  Went inside, go to the bath room and had a melt down!  I’m not sure what the final trigger was, but all of a sudden I was throwing things across the room and then I just broke down.  I sobbed and sobbed and cried out.  My poor doggies on the other side of the door were trying to get to me, but I just needed to be alone right then.  I think up until that point, I hadn’t let myself deal with what was happening.  Of course, I broke down and was devastated the day we found out Sophie was gone, but after that I bottled it up.  I had to go to work the next day, and really haven’t had any time off to really grieve the loss.   After Declan I had almost 5 days to be home and face the loss.  I haven’t had time to do that this time.  It all came out on Monday, and I’ve been trying to come out of it ever since.

I’m of course not saying I don’t want to grieve, or that I’m over it.  Not at all, and I never will be.  I’m just not sure how to go on from a second loss.  I think that’s why I haven’t been letting myself deal with it.  I’m getting there slowly.  The breakdown on Monday I think was step one – I think that’s when I really accepted it, and let myself feel the pain.

I’ve also recently realized that I’m in a bit of a rut and I need to break out of it.  I need to shake my life up a bit and do something different.  Get out into the world and experience it.  I used to be in such a good place and really enjoying life and all it had to offer.  Lately, I feel like I’ve been putting that old me on as a mask and projecting that that is who I still am, trying to get back there, but not quite making it.  I’m not sure if that sentence just made sense, but I think I know what I meant.

To that end, I’m going to try and shake things up in my routine.  Start a class in something, or do something different at home every night, instead of just plopping down on the couch because I’m so exhausted from the day.  I need to DO something instead of just letting things happen to me.  It’s time to take some action and become the me I used to know and love.

I hope this post hasn’t gotten anyone too worried about me.  I’m not depressed, don’t worry.  I have a lot of amazing things in my life: my husband (first and foremost the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love him very very very very much), my puppies, my friends, my family.  Our life is on the right track, with my hubby discovering his path in life – I’m so happy for him.  We’ve hit this huge speed bump in our life, but I know, in someway – someday we will reach the top and get over the hump.  I just need to do something to keep myself going until we get there.  It’s time for a change.

7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. lillyshephard
    Feb 10, 2010 @ 19:56:11

    an real and honest post about what life feels like for you right now…naturally it’s dark and bleak and filled with anger and grief……..and that doctor’s office! i hope you do follow your gut instinct and change docs when you can. i felt myself becoming angry just reading it, so i’m not sure how you kept it together and didn’t start throwing things in her office right then and there! (though i’m glad you were able to keep your composure since that probably would have caused you more of a bad day than it already was.)

    remembering you as you and your love find your ways through this painful, painful time.


  2. K
    Feb 10, 2010 @ 20:32:58

    First I want to smack your doctor. That is horrible on her part and her staff’s part for not reading your file. That happened to me one time with my first m/c with my OB’s office but I lost it on the lady and she has since never done it again.

    Reading your words took me back in time. A second miscarriage is a funky funky place to be. I know you have a strong network of support, and its a good idea to take a class, etc but Mae, allow yourself to grieve. I used to sometimes put on sad music (per my psychologists recommendation) at a certain time of day and just let myself cry myself silly. The pain and the anger and the grief it sits in us, it doesn’t go away by ignoring it, so that was how I released it because its like a dam, eventually it will spill over.

    I am so sorry for your pain. Thinking of you and your husband during this difficult time.


  3. Lea
    Feb 10, 2010 @ 21:31:46

    Thinking of you. I know this time is really, really difficult.

    I’ve had some pretty horrible experiences with doctors after m/c too. They have no idea what they are doing and it just makes it that much harder. Jerks.

    Many hugs for you.


  4. liberalgranolagirl
    Feb 10, 2010 @ 21:35:04

    Wow, that is all I can say about your visit to the dr. How insensitive! I wish that there were some magic words to say that would relieve the hurt. Please know that I am thinking of you, sending healing thoughts and praying for you.


  5. Susie
    Feb 11, 2010 @ 03:47:28

    Time for a new doc. Jeez, they really need to start teaching bedside manner and maybe just LISTENING and LEARNING TO READ CHARTS skills to people in the medical field.

    I know what you mean about holding your emotions in. I did that with Hope and actually sort of did that when I heard your news about Sophie, too. I think shock takes some part in it. But, when it starts to come out, I’m realizing you’ve just got to let it all out and get through that moment of grief.

    You did a great job on this post and I really did get what you were saying and you really expressed things so well!! Thanks for sharing your pain and heart with us–love you!


  6. katery
    Feb 12, 2010 @ 01:59:24

    not worried, sounds pretty normal to me actually. you will feel better, of course you will never forget, but it will get better. i hope you can find an ob that you like 🙂


  7. 21reena
    Feb 21, 2010 @ 18:19:07

    Sorry I’ve been gone for a while. I just read your post.

    I am so sorry that you are going through so much. I think it’s good you threw some stuff and let it out – i think it’d begood even if you had to do it again. I’m thinking of you!

    As for the doctors- GET A NEW ONE!!!! I had the same problem where I felt not only they didn’t know who I was, but they couldn’t even read the chart. You have enough to deal with that worrying wether the DR is doing their job should not be an additional stress.


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