saying goodbye again…

I went in for a doctors appointment on Monday.  As I said in my last post, I’d been having some abdomen pain, no cramping, just a tight, stretchy feeling.  After talking with a bunch of friends and the great comments I got from you all here & on Twitter, I had convinced myself this was normal and nothing was wrong.  I did however set up the appointment anyway, because I was going crazy having to wait until Feb 8th for my next one!

Doctor came in and I told her why I was there.  She said, “If I had known why you came in I would have told them not to schedule you, this is just normal pregnancy stuff.  Well, since you’re here we’ll do a regular check up.”  She turned on the u/s machine and got started.  She had the monitor turned away from me.  She was taking a long time to look, and not saying anything.  My stomach started to drop.  She wasn’t looking at me, just staring at the screen with a confused look on her face, punching buttons.  I knew it was over at that point.  She finally said, “I’m sorry, but I’m not seeing much growth from the last appointment, and I can’t find a heartbeat.  I’m very sorry.”  She took some measurements and the baby had only grown 1 day from my first appointment with her.  One day.  6 weeks 4 days old, that’s it.

Whatever I thought going into that appointment, I was definitely not prepared to hear that my baby had died.  The doctor sat and talked with us for a while, but I honestly don’t remember much.  I just wanted to get out of there and go home.  She did refer me to a high risk pregnancy specialist so we can figure out what’s causing this and hopefully prevent it in the future.

I can’t believe I’m in this place again.  This dark place where I have to live with the fact that my body, once again, could not provide for my child.  It’s heart breaking and I just don’t understand it.  I’m once again having to find a way to deal with the death of a child, a child that I never got to know.

While I know that my child is gone, my body has yet to catch up with that.  Nothing has started to happen yet, though my doctor said since the baby was so young I shouldn’t have any problems passing it on my own.  My other child was 8 wks and I had a D&C.  I’m not sure about this time.  I think it will depend on how much pain I experience.  Last time was unbearable, even on the pain meds.  I’m hoping I won’t have to have the surgery.  I just don’t know what to expect or when to expect things to get started.  It’s simply a waiting game right now.

We’ve decided to name this baby Sophie.  It’s the name that was in one of the dreams I had (mentioned here).  It’s originally from the Greek Sophia, which means wisdom.  I’m hoping in this loss that we can find some wisdom.  That the doctor can find out why this keeps happening, and that we can prevent it in the future.  I really thought I would never survive a 2nd miscarriage, and who knows, maybe I can’t.  I haven’t really let myself deal with it yet.  I’ve had to be at work all week due to some projects that couldn’t wait.  I haven’t had time to really deal with it all.  I don’t think I will until it all actually begins.

Thank you to everyone for your love, support and prayers during this time.  It really does mean a lot that we have this support system, both in our real lives and in the cyber world.  You are my strength and my support through so much of this and I couldn’t do it with out you.

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29 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Vanessa
    Jan 27, 2010 @ 17:26:25

    I am so sorry. I wish that you were not experiencing this, and that there was some way to wave all the pain away. Take care of yourself in the coming days. Big hug.

    Reply

  2. Susie
    Jan 27, 2010 @ 17:33:43

    Oh Sophie, how I will miss meeting you on earth. I had a lot of daydreams and ideas about you and our kiddos growing up together and being the best of friends. Like family. Although your heart was only beating for a short time, it beat and we’ll never forget you. Be with Declan and Hope and all the other people we miss and love and most of all laugh and play with the Lord, free and in no pain and with no suffering.

    I love you guys and am here if you need anything. *Hugs*

    Reply

  3. Lea
    Jan 27, 2010 @ 18:10:31

    I’m so very sorry. Wishing you peace and comfort in this difficult time. (((hugs)))

    Reply

  4. K
    Jan 27, 2010 @ 18:11:39

    I am so sorry. I am so so so sorry. It’s not right and its not fair and I wish this did not happen to you. I hate this. Sophie was loved every second of her life and she will never be forgotten. *hugs*

    I’ll send you an e-mail later today about some of my own experience since I lost bug at 6w5d.

    *hugs*

    Reply

  5. sprogblogger
    Jan 27, 2010 @ 18:57:28

    Here from Waiting For Sunflower’s site and I just wanted to tell you how horribly sorry I am for your loss. Nothing fair or good or right about this. Thinking of you today.

    Reply

  6. Fertility Chick
    Jan 27, 2010 @ 18:59:42

    I am so very, very sorry. Thinking about you during this difficult time.

    Reply

  7. meinsideout
    Jan 27, 2010 @ 19:07:43

    Here from a fellow blogger…I am so sorry. We had three losses and I was not sure how we were going to survive either. Even though I am a stranger, I am sending you ((HUGS)).

    Reply

  8. MeAndBaby
    Jan 27, 2010 @ 19:56:31

    So very sorry. Thinking of you.

    Reply

  9. Myndi
    Jan 27, 2010 @ 19:57:22

    I came over from Waiting for Sunflower. My heart is breaking for you. Recently I experienced a loss and I am all too familiar with the pain you must be experiencing right now. I am so, so sorry that you are having to through this again. It’s really unfathomable…take care of yourself and your husband. Thinking of you and wishing you the best.

    Reply

  10. Michele
    Jan 27, 2010 @ 20:54:25

    I know your Sophie is with my Sophia… I am so sorry. Sending loving thoughts.

    Reply

  11. katery
    Jan 27, 2010 @ 20:55:42

    i’m so sorry. i wish i had some words to comfort you but i know that there’s really nothing that can be said to make you feel better. i hope you and your husband are able to work through this pain together.

    Reply

  12. birdsandsquirrels
    Jan 27, 2010 @ 22:00:03

    No, no, no… I am so, so sorry. I was so happy to hear that you got pregnant your first cycle on metformin, and now that you are suffering another loss, my heart is breaking for you. I’m thinking of you and hoping that you can get some answers from the high risk specialist.

    Reply

  13. Jenn
    Jan 28, 2010 @ 00:09:12

    Linked to you from Kate at Waiting for Sunflower, and just wanted to say I’m so so sorry. There are no other words.

    Reply

  14. Devon
    Jan 28, 2010 @ 02:50:30

    Crying for you, love. So so sorry.

    Reply

  15. Corinna
    Jan 28, 2010 @ 04:32:50

    I am so sorry. You will make it through this, one moment at a time. Sophie is cradled with her big brother Declan in God’s strong arms. You’re in our prayers.

    Reply

  16. wtbocianski
    Jan 28, 2010 @ 14:43:01

    I know that there are no words that will take this pain away or even make a little easier, but I just wanted you to know that my prayers are with you.
    I’m so very sorry for your loss. I truly am. This is just not fair and no one should have to go through this much pain.
    Sophie is so loved by you and she knows it.
    Hang in there. and again, I’m so sorry for your loss.

    Reply

  17. a
    Jan 28, 2010 @ 15:34:28

    I’m so sorry for your loss.

    Reply

  18. HereWeGoAJen
    Jan 28, 2010 @ 15:39:26

    I am so sorry. I will be thinking of you all.

    Reply

  19. jill
    Jan 28, 2010 @ 15:42:49

    So very sorry *hug*

    Reply

  20. Carla
    Jan 28, 2010 @ 16:48:36

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I had 2 in a row after heartbeats were seen (8 wks and 7 wks) and then a chemical. I know how much that sucks. I’ll be praying for you.

    Reply

  21. Browniris
    Jan 28, 2010 @ 20:01:05

    I am so very sorry for your loss. It is so devastating to have that happen, and I know there is nothing that can make the pain go away right now. Big hugs!

    Reply

  22. Jem
    Jan 28, 2010 @ 22:13:05

    My heart goes out to you. Words can’t express how sorry I am. I too have been struggling with loss and how to say goodbye properly.

    Jem

    LFCA

    Reply

  23. Melissa
    Jan 28, 2010 @ 23:59:37

    I am so, so sorry for your loss.

    Reply

  24. 21reena
    Jan 29, 2010 @ 00:07:49

    Nothing I can say will make this ok – I just want you to know that I am literally tearing for you. Please know that you, your husband, Declan & Sophie are all in my prayers right now. I love your choice of Sophie – I hope that her spirit will help guide you to figure why this happened, so that one day you will have the chance to hold your baby in your arms and not just in your heart.

    Reply

  25. Linsey
    Jan 29, 2010 @ 02:14:47

    oh no. I’m so very, very sorry. You and your family are in my prayers.

    Reply

  26. Lara (NoodleGirl)
    Jan 29, 2010 @ 03:55:37

    I’m so very sorry. I have had two losses also and while both were devastating, I found the 2nd to be much harder because I had naively thought I had paid my sadness dues with the first one and felt much more optimistic. I hope the rest of the horrible process is as quick and painless as possible, so that you can heal and maybe get some answers.

    {{{HUGS}}} *LFCA*

    Reply

  27. LuckyOnce
    Jan 29, 2010 @ 20:20:04

    I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’ve had 3 missed miscarriages, and they don’t get easier, but you do make it through. Be gentle with yourself…

    Here from LFCA.

    Reply

  28. Busted Kate
    Jan 29, 2010 @ 21:13:56

    I’m speechless. I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am, though I know all to well that almost nothing helps in times like these except prayers and love.

    You know I’ve been here, and I’m here if you need to talk, cry, vent, you name it. Anything I can do to help. Again, I’m so sorry… I sending prayers your way and hugs.

    Reply

  29. Jamie
    Jan 31, 2010 @ 02:09:55

    I am so sorry. I wish there were right words to say and I wish I knew what they were.

    Holding you in my heart.

    Reply

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