i love my husband…

My husband Justin is the most caring, wonderful man in the whole wide world.  I love him very much.  He wrote a post on his blog about our loss.  Please check it out.

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saying goodbye again…

I went in for a doctors appointment on Monday.  As I said in my last post, I’d been having some abdomen pain, no cramping, just a tight, stretchy feeling.  After talking with a bunch of friends and the great comments I got from you all here & on Twitter, I had convinced myself this was normal and nothing was wrong.  I did however set up the appointment anyway, because I was going crazy having to wait until Feb 8th for my next one!

Doctor came in and I told her why I was there.  She said, “If I had known why you came in I would have told them not to schedule you, this is just normal pregnancy stuff.  Well, since you’re here we’ll do a regular check up.”  She turned on the u/s machine and got started.  She had the monitor turned away from me.  She was taking a long time to look, and not saying anything.  My stomach started to drop.  She wasn’t looking at me, just staring at the screen with a confused look on her face, punching buttons.  I knew it was over at that point.  She finally said, “I’m sorry, but I’m not seeing much growth from the last appointment, and I can’t find a heartbeat.  I’m very sorry.”  She took some measurements and the baby had only grown 1 day from my first appointment with her.  One day.  6 weeks 4 days old, that’s it.

Whatever I thought going into that appointment, I was definitely not prepared to hear that my baby had died.  The doctor sat and talked with us for a while, but I honestly don’t remember much.  I just wanted to get out of there and go home.  She did refer me to a high risk pregnancy specialist so we can figure out what’s causing this and hopefully prevent it in the future.

I can’t believe I’m in this place again.  This dark place where I have to live with the fact that my body, once again, could not provide for my child.  It’s heart breaking and I just don’t understand it.  I’m once again having to find a way to deal with the death of a child, a child that I never got to know.

While I know that my child is gone, my body has yet to catch up with that.  Nothing has started to happen yet, though my doctor said since the baby was so young I shouldn’t have any problems passing it on my own.  My other child was 8 wks and I had a D&C.  I’m not sure about this time.  I think it will depend on how much pain I experience.  Last time was unbearable, even on the pain meds.  I’m hoping I won’t have to have the surgery.  I just don’t know what to expect or when to expect things to get started.  It’s simply a waiting game right now.

We’ve decided to name this baby Sophie.  It’s the name that was in one of the dreams I had (mentioned here).  It’s originally from the Greek Sophia, which means wisdom.  I’m hoping in this loss that we can find some wisdom.  That the doctor can find out why this keeps happening, and that we can prevent it in the future.  I really thought I would never survive a 2nd miscarriage, and who knows, maybe I can’t.  I haven’t really let myself deal with it yet.  I’ve had to be at work all week due to some projects that couldn’t wait.  I haven’t had time to really deal with it all.  I don’t think I will until it all actually begins.

Thank you to everyone for your love, support and prayers during this time.  It really does mean a lot that we have this support system, both in our real lives and in the cyber world.  You are my strength and my support through so much of this and I couldn’t do it with out you.

8w3d and paranoia…

Hey guys…I need some reassurance!  I’m 8w3d – right about where I lost Declan (sometime at 8wks).  So of course, I’m starting to freak out a bit.  Add on top of that some weird pain that started last night, and you can tell that I’m at red alert!

Just after I got home from work last night I started to have some strange pain in the sides of my abdomen.  Just on the sides.  It’s kind of like I’ve done too many crunches (which definitely isn’t the case!).  It was pretty bad last night so of course I was very nervous.  I haven’t had any spotting or cramping though, so that’s making me a bit calmer.  I think the reason it was so bad last night is because (warning: TMI coming) I’m also a bit, um…backed up.  I have a lot of gas that wants to come out but won’t – so that adds a lot of pressure to that area!

I’m feeling better this morning, but I’m still having small twinges of that stretchy, too many crunches pain every once in a while.  I think I have myself convinced (with the help of Waiting for Sunflower, SusQ and Dr. Google) that this is just normal stretching that happens during pregnancy and that I have nothing to worry about – almost convinced.  I haven’t called my doctor, but I’ve decided I will if it gets any worse.  I don’t know if she’d be able to squeeze in a quick u/s appointment, but I can try if I’m that nervous.  I’ve also been downing the water hard core (starting my third 24 oz bottle now).  It helps that I still have my symptoms…sore boobs, exhaustion and heartburn.

Any advice y’all can give would be great.  Or even just calming thoughts to stop my paranoia.  It’s nice to have people to turn to and an outlet to get my fear off my chest!  Thank you all so much for that.

8w1d and dreams…

Hello!  I wish I had more to post about lately, but I really feel like until my next appointment, not much is happening!  I mean, other than the growing of my baby, but I just don’t have much to report as far a symptoms etc…I hope I’m not too boring for y’all!

However, the past 2 nights I have been having baby dreams.  I’ve heard this can happen, so while they have been weird, it’s kinda fun to know that I’m getting this “symptom”.

Dream #1: I’m at my parents house with my newborn baby and my aunt is going to babysit for me while I go somewhere I don’t remember…Anyway, so I put the baby in the infant car seat carrier thing, grab the diaper bag and head out to my parents porch.  Now weirdly enough, I look over and my parents house has become one of the row house things and all of the porches to the next few houses are identical.  Of course, just then my friend Tripp shows up to help me get the baby to my aunts house.  He also knows which porch is her’s (since I don’t).  So we walk over and talk a bit and discuss what I’m going to name the baby.  I tell him if it’s a girl (which is silly, I already HAVE the baby, I’m carrying it!  Somehow though the conversation goes as if it is yet to be born) that her name would be Mae.  Mae is my middle name (which I go by) and also a family name.  We are planning to give the baby the middle name Mae if it’s a girl, but not first name.  So then I realize this baby’s name must be Mae.

We get into my aunt’s house (which looks nothing like her real house) and I take the baby out of the infant carrier.  Now at this point, my child has turned from a new born into a 1 1/2 year old.  But not just any 1 1/2 year old.  She looks just like the daughter of one of my good friends, piggy tails and all!  I of course don’t think this is weird at all, or the fact that my newborn is just learning how to walk!  Weirdness abounds.  Also at this point, I realize I have NO IDEA what my child’s name is.  This seems to be an observation that I make as the dreamer, not as me in the dream.  It seems to not bother me at all that my baby doesn’t have a name in the dream.  So, I proceed to talk with my aunt and my younger sister who has popped up out of nowhere.  I think my grandma is there, too.  After a while I decide it’s time to go and do whatever it was I was going to do.  I open up the diaper bag to changer the baby’s clothes into pajamas and a new diaper.  I have some jammies for her, but only 1 diaper.  I change her and head over to my parents house to properly pack for the baby.  I get back to my aunts and realize I STILL don’t have any diapers or extra clothes!  So I pick up my daughter and take her back to pack again, intending to bring her back to my aunts after that.

We get to my parents house and I sit her down on the floor of what is her room apparently.  There are 4 dressers in that room, in my dream.  They are all dressers I’ve had in my real life or that have been in that room at one point in my life.  I open each drawer and find NO BABY CLOTHES.  Instead I find an assortment of clothing that my sisters and I had growing up – very classy 80’s style clothes no less!  In one drawer I DO happen to find 3 newborn outfits, and one of them is a Christmas onsie.  I take it out and hold it up to my baby and say “well, that’s not going to fit you any more, and it’s too bad too, since you were almost a Christmas baby.”  Weird, I know…since my little one is due in August.  Though I DID find out about my pregnancy 2 days before Christmas…maybe that’s where that came from.  Anyway, I decide she’s just going to have to do with the outfit she has on and the 1 yellow onsie that she was wearing before.  Also, I find NO diapers, no matter how much I search.  I decide that she’ll just have to be okay with the one diaper, since she’s close to being potty trained anyway.  I pick her up and head back to my aunts and that’s when I wake up.

Of course during this whole dream in my mind I’m thinking how weird it is that I have no idea what the baby’s name is even though this fact doesn’t bother me at all in dream land!  It was very strange.

Dream #2: This dream was just this morning, though the details are a bit fuzzier than the last one.  I remember, again that I have my daughter with me.  We’re in my grandma & grandpa’s house and exploring all of the rooms.  She again resembles the daughter of my good friend and now she can talk.  Suddenly we aren’t at my gma’s house anymore, but in the gym of my elementary school watching a basketball game.  There are a lot of people there and they are all coming up to meet my baby and say HI.  My daughter draws pictures and signs her name (even though she is not nearly old enough to be able to sign her name) and hands them out to people.

Then a friend of mine from high school comes up from the game (he’s playing in the game) to say HI and meet the baby.  Of course, he asks me what her name is.  I look at my daughter and tell her to say her name, but she won’t.  Then I realize, I’ve forgotten what her name is and I panic!  How can I have forgotten my daughters name???  So to cover for it, I tell my friend to guess what it is.  He starts listing off names and after each one she shakes her head no.  I’m getting more and more frantic because I realize at some point he’s going to ask me to tell her.  During all this she’s still drawing pictures and signing them, but handing them out before I can see the name on them.  Finally he turns to me and asks what her name is and I run up the risers to “ask someone a question quick”, trying to buy more time to think of her name.  As soon as  I leave, someone comes up to my daughter and says, “Thank you for the picture Sophie!” and she smiles.  That’s when I wake up.

Why am I having so many dreams about not knowing my own child’s name??  It seems like a very ominous theme to keep running through my head!  It’s even stranger because I have had the name of my future daughter picked out for about 5 years!  I mean, I have a list of back ups just in case that name doesn’t fit once the baby is born, but I’m pretty set on that name.  Not once has this name popped into my head during the dreams, not even as an option in dream #2 when I was trying to think of her name.

In the other dream, not only did I not know my baby’s name, but I had no clothes or diapers for her!  The room we were in that was “hers” looks like it always does at my parents with the regular bed and computer in it, just with 4 dressers instead of 1.  So, it seems like in the dreams I was COMPLETELY unprepared for this baby in so many different ways.

Maybe that’s why I’ve had these dreams.  Am I feeling unprepared for a baby?  Sure!  Who doesn’t!  I have been thinking about it a bit more lately.  I’ve spent the past 3 years just trying to get pregnant, learning everything about making a baby that I’ve spent no time learning about what it means to BE pregnant.  I definitely feel like I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m in uncharted territory.  But on the other hand, I’m a little afraid to look deeper into pregnancy and how it works…I’m still so early on, and still so far from my next check on Little Wiggle that I don’t want to “jinx” it.  I know that’s ridiculous, but I think some of you may understand what I mean.  I did finally order the “What to Expect” book, but I got it from a free book exchange website, so I’m not really paying for it, like that will counter act the “jinx”.  I’m afraid to open up the “Raising Baby Green” book that I got when I was pregnant with Declan.

I’ve also been scarred to start journaling again.  With Declan I had planned to keep a record of my pregnancy to show him someday when he was older.  I kept a little book that I wrote in almost everyday.  I had planned to do this with all of my children, long before I knew we would have issues.  Now, I haven’t even started 1 entry for Little Wiggle yet.  At first I was just waiting for the doctors confirmation that yes, I was pregnant and the baby had a heartbeat.   But now, I think it really is just fear.  Fear that something may happen.  I’m not living my life daily in fear.  I really am handling this surprisingly well, but I still have my moments, and I still have things that I haven’t thought about yet because of that fear, like my journal.  Or really digging into the baby name books again.  I think my dreams are a bit of a reflection on that underlying fear.

I’m going to try and work on that.  I’m going to try and get better.  Perhaps, tonight, I can reopen that journal and say my first hello to Little Wiggle.  I hope I can.

7w3d and some photo proof…

I wanted to put these pics up, as the day I wrote my big announcement post I didn’t have my camera on me to upload them.

On Dec 22nd I woke up and went into our bathroom, knowing this was the day.  Fertility Friend had told me to wait until the 22nd to test, and so I was a good little infertile and waited.  I got out the internet cheapies and a plastic dixie cup.  With these, you had to dip instead of pee on them directly.  So, I did what needed to be done and then went about getting ready.  I knew that it was going to be negative, so during the 5 min wait I went and got my breakfast and took my pills.  Went back in to check and wouldn’t you know it, this is what I saw:

Well, I was so shocked I thought I was seeing things!  Plus, the line was SO light it took me a second to realize that there WAS a second line there!  I immediately freaked out.  My husband was out walking the dogs.  I didn’t know what to do.  How could this be possible??  We were really “trying” this month – I mean we were, but I figured it was a wash so we didn’t do as much BDing as I thought we probably should have.

As soon as Justin walked in the door I took the strip to him and said, “I’m going to show you something, but I’m not sure what it means yet.”  I then produced the strip to show him.  He looked kinda dumbfounded and said, “2 lines is good right?”  How cute. 😀  I said, “Yes, but I don’t know what this means!”  I guess I was kinda dumbfounded, too.  I decided that on my way to work I’d by one of the fancy pants expensive tests to pee on.  I though that maybe this was a fluke and the internet strips could not be trusted.

I went in to the store and decided to go with the digital “pregnant/not pregnant” read out ones.  That way there would be no guess work involved with lines or plus signs or whatever.

I wanted to wait until after lunch, I knew that the more, um, concentrated the urine was the better results I would get.  Yeah, that lasted all of about an hour!  At around 10 am (I get to work at 9am) I snuck one of the tests into my pocket and ran to the private staff restroom.  This test told me in 3 minutes I would have my results.  I did the deed and placed the stick on the ground to wait my 3 minutes.

Not 30 seconds later, this is what popped up on the display:

This was no meer blurry, hard to see line.  This was cold, hard facts.  There is no denying what that digital display says!  I was pregnant!!!  Of course, that’s when the REAL freak out began!  I discussed this all in my announcement post, so I won’t go into further detail except to say I spent the rest of the day on the phone trying to get a hold of someone to explain this all to me!  I was so excited, but so nervous.  I don’t think my nerves calmed down until we went to the doctor and saw Little Wiggles heartbeat on the screen.  That’s the moment I knew it was true and real.

7w2d in limbo land…

So here I am…in the waiting game again!  It’s 25 days until my next doctors appointment.  I can’t believe I had to wait 4 WEEKS before seeing my doctor again.  It’s excruciating.  Add on top of that that I don’t have many symptoms (I never did with Declan, either).  I get very tired usually, I have to pee all the time, tender breasts, and heartburn if I don’t eat when I’m hungry.  But these all come in go.  Just last night I was worried because my boobs weren’t as sore as they have been, but luckily today that came back full force!  Also, I had noticed at the end of last week that I hadn’t had heartburn in a few days, but the next day I had it ALL day long!  I guess I just have to notice when things go away and then they come back!

I would give anything to be puking my guts out!  At least then I’d know that things are still moving along nicely in there!  All I can do is keep going, day by day and hope that on Feb 8th we see our Little Wiggle, moving around with a nice strong heartbeat!  I will hopefully be around 11 weeks that day and Little Wiggle should then be resembling a baby!  I can’t wait to see him/her again.

I think I’m more nervous about appointment #2 because with Declan, I never made it to that appointment.  I had to call about 5 days before that appointment and cancel.  The receptionist asked, “would you like to reschedule it for another time?”  Of course, I did need another appointment, but it was the post miscarriage check up.  That was heartbreaking all over again.

Last time I had a strong feeling that our little one was a boy.  That can never be confirmed, but I felt it in my heart.  This time, I’m not so sure.  I did that Chinese Gender calculator and it came up as a girl.  Last time it came up as a boy.  Who knows.  I may feel more strongly on the gender in a few weeks, but not right now.  Honestly, I don’t care what gender Little Wiggle is.  I’m happy either way, as long as my baby is happy and healthy that’s all that matters.  It’s just fun to try and guess!

I’m wondering if there will ever be a point in this pregnancy when I can relax and just know Little Wiggle will be with me in Late August/Early September.  My first thought is of course making it to the next appointment.  Then I thought if I can make it to the 2nd Trimester I’ll feel better and more confident.  Of course, I’ve unfortunately been reading blogs of those who have lost their little one’s late into pregnancy.  It’s so hard.  We fight so much to get to this point, and once we’re here we still have to wonder and worry if it’s going to work out.  I want this baby so badly.  I’m going to be an amazing mother, and my DH is going to be the best dad ever!  You hear that baby?  You have to come out and meet us with promises like that! 😀

I am trying to live by the “So far, so good” philosophy, and it’s pretty much working.  I do worry, but on the other hand, I know that I’m doing exactly what I need to do to make sure Little Wiggle is happy and comfy in there and getting what he/she needs.  Beyond that, I can’t really do anything else.  7w2d…we’ve come a long way baby, and we’re gonna go all the way!

7w and questions…

Hello again!  Thank you so much to everyone for all of your love and support!  We’re still in the very early, very nervous stages of this pregnancy, but I’m trying to take it a day at a time.  My ticker on the side seems to be off a bit, but I’m about 7 weeks along today!  For the next week I’m going to have to keep myself busy and distracted.  This is about the time I lost our first baby, Declan.  Somewhere between 7 and 8 weeks.  I don’t go back to my doctor until about 11 weeks, so all I can do is hope that I get to that next appointment.  To borrow a phrase from K over at Waiting for Sunflower, “So far, so good.”

So of course, going into my first appointment I wrote down all of my questions in a little notebook that I always carry with me.  I always have it on me – except apparently when I go in for my first appointment with my doctor!  Bugger.  So, I tried to ask her all I could remember, but I missed most of the important ones!  I’ve spent the last 3 years focusing on GETTING pregnant that I really don’t know much at all about BEING pregnant, and staying that way!  I need some help.  I’m hoping there are some of you TTC ladies that have looked ahead to the pregnancy stage and no what to do, or that there are some of you that have made it out of IF land and can offer me your advice/experience.  I also know I have some good friends who read this who have been pregnant and may be able to help, too.  So, I give you the nervous IF pregnant ladies questions so far:

1) Exercise!  I know that this is good, and before the Xmas season and the BFP I was going in to a gym 3 times per week.  I kinda took December off since we were traveling so much.  Now I find myself in January with a little friend on board, and I’m scared to go back.  I know pregnant women can exercise, but I wonder how much?  Should I cut back the intensity?  Should I wait a few more weeks?  What do you all think?

2) BD-ing.  Yes, I’m nervous about this and my poor DH suffers for it.  When we went in to the ER when we lost Declan the OBGYN that examined me asked a bunch of questions and one of the first was “when was the last time you had sex?”  This of course has scared me into thinking maybe we did something wrong going ahead after the RE told us it was okay.  Now I find myself in this place again, and again nervous we could do something wrong.  I’m sorry, this is way TMI for my friends and family that read this, but I’m pretty nervous and I want to make sure everything is okay before we go ahead.

3) Pre-natals, my nemesis.  I’ve been taking the damn pills for 3 years now.  I’ve been taking some over the counter stuff, but now my doc has prescribed me some.  This was after I asked because I know a lot of my friends who have had babies took prescription pre-natals.  My doc said it doesn’t matter if it’s prescription or over the counter, as long as you are taking them.  She did however give me a bunch of samples and told me to “choose the one I like most.”  How am I supposed to choose?  By taste?  You just swallow the things!  So, I turned to my trusty friend, WebMD.  Here is what they have to say:

  • 400 mcg of folic acid
  • 400 IU of vitamin D
  • 200 to 300 mg of calcium
  • 70 mg of vitamin C
  • 3 mg of thiamine
  • 2 mg of riboflavin
  • 20 mg of niacine
  • 6 mcg of vitamin B12
  • 10 mg of vitamin E
  • 15 mg of zinc
  • 17 mg of iron

This is the list I followed when I chose my over the counter stuff (which by the way is the generic Target brand, exactly the same as the Stuart Pre-Natals if your familiar with that brand.)  I’ve been looking at the ingredients listed on the prescription ones my doc gave me, but none of them have all of these things or the right amounts suggested.  Also, my friend SusQ said her doctor suggested taking a vitamin with DHA in it, which 2 of them do, but they are missing so much of the rest of the list, I think I’d rather stick with my Target brand!  Some of them don’t even have Calcium or Vitamin C in them!  Or, way lower doses than listed above.  None of them have thiamine, riboflavin or niacine.  So, how important is the list above?  Do I need to make sure to get EVERYTHING on that list, or just most of them?  I’m perfectly fine just continuing to take the Target brand, but I’d appreciate some input if y’all have any!

4)  Diet – what am I supposed to eat or not eat?  I know that: hot dogs, lunch meat, caffeine,  alcohol and soft cheeses are out.  Anything else vitally important?  Anything that is really good to eat?  I was hoping for some sort of list from my doc, but I forgot to ask.  Again, help would be appreciated.  Or even a good website you know of that could help??

Okay, I think that’s all for now.  Back to my paranoia!

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