to my lost child…

I’ve been wanting to do this post for a while.  My husband and I lost our first child on March 19, 2009.  This was only days after we had finally begun to tell our friends and family that we were expecting.  I’ve never gone through anything so painful in my entire life, both physically and mentally.  It was a turning point in my life.  It made me a different person, and I will never again be the person that I was before that loss.  I am now a mother, though my child does not live.  My husband is a father, though his son was lost before we knew him.

I say our son, though we do not know the gender of our lost child.  While I carried him, those short few weeks (he died around 8 weeks, though I had the miscarriage at 11 weeks) he was my son.  I felt the child inside of me was male, but I will never know that for sure.  I did not plan to find out the gender of our child until he was born, but I thought that perhaps he was a boy.  That’s why I refer to him as my son.

Since the loss, I’ve been trying to come up with a way to have some closure.  Not to move on, never that.  Not to forget – I never could…but to have some way to acknowledge this child who should have been.  I contemplated a sort of funeral or burial of some sort.  Maybe burying the ultrasound pictures, or the journal entries that I wrote to my child.  Maybe planting something in his memory – a living reminder of a lost child.  I may still do some of these things one day, but the most important thing I wanted to do was have a name for my child.  He deserves a name, and I wanted to give him that.

While my child was growing inside of me my husband and I referred to him as Zippy the Zygote, or just simply Zippy (past the zygote phase).  While this is a cute name for a growing fetus, it is not something I wanted my lost child to be called forever.  I’m a big believer in names having a meaning…any name I give my children will mean something, I will know the meaning of their name and the country/culture that it comes from.  I want that name to reflect who my child is, or what that child means to me.  I have long lists and books of baby names that I scoured over in hopes of the birth of our child.  The name that I’ve decided on is an Irish name which means “man of prayer”.  Since we had hoped for a prayed for our baby for many years, I feel this name is the perfect choice.

I’ve talked with my husband and told him the name that I wanted to give to our son.  He agreed it was a good one.  I’m happy that now I can refer to my lost one with dignity – with a name.

This post is to my son, to my lost child, who I will love forever.  Though I never had the opportunity to hold you, to nurture you and watch you grow you are my son and I will love you for the rest of my life.  Rest well my little one.  Rest well my Declan.

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14dpo…

Hey guys…sorry it’s been so long in between my posts.  As nerve wracking and intense as the 2ww is, there’s really not much to blog about!  Actually, as I’m not expecting that anything will come of this particular cycle, I haven’t felt the need to blog about every twinge I feel there, or “symptom” I feel there.  I’m more treating this cycle as a “test” to see how the Metformin works – or even if it will work!  As far as I can tell, I am now 14 dpo (days past ovulation).  That means that very soon I should be getting a visit from every woman’s favorite aunt – Aunt Flo!!  If not, Fertility Friend has advised me that, since this is the first cycle I’ve charted with them, that I shouldn’t POAS until Dec 22 – and I’m not planning on it!  As AMAZING as it would be if I did by some small miracle become pregnant on this cycle, I would be happy (though, not nearly AS happy) with AF arriving in a timely manor after the big O.

So, I’m posting my chart as it stands today…I thought I was maybe starting to get the signs that AF will be here today, but so far, I’ve been wrong on that point.  We’ll see.  Perhaps tomorrow she’ll show her lovely face.

Shout out to all of my IF online friends who have gotten the good news of a BFP in the past few weeks!  It seems they are coming out of the wood work!!  Congrats to all of you – it gives me a lot of hope to see you who have struggled so much to have that ray of light and hope in your lives now!  I can only hope that the rest of us will be next! 😀

THE CHART (CD36, 14DPO):

huh, would you look at that…

Yup…that’s a BBT/Ovulation chart, and guess what it shows???  OVULATION!!!  And a temp spike afterward!  I can’t believe it!!!  According to Fertility Friend I have a “good” chance at conception based on the info.  Of course, that’s not taking into account that I rarely if ever have a “good” chance at conception, but just the fact that this seems to prove that I can indeed ovulate (with the help of my new BFF, Metformin) is a major feat in and of itself!!  Huzzah!

My last post with the OPK help needed seems to have been the best O day.  That was as dark as the line got and with the temperature spike now, I’ve stopped using the OPK’s (also the last 2 days the line has gotten much lighter).  Granted, the hubby and I weren’t too good with the BDing this month (mostly my fault) so I’m not expecting anything to come of this, but there’s always next cycle!  Folks – this could really work!!!!!  I’m can’t even tell you how excited I am about this right now!  When I tried charting in the past, my temps were all over the place, not to mention there was never any spike or drop in temp at any point other than the daily up and downs.  This was a MUCH better cycle!  Again I say, HUZZAH!!

your eyes needed…

Since this is the first time I’ve used OPK’s, I’m not entirely sure when it’s a positive and when it’s a negative.  I’ve been using OPK’s since CD-11.  Just over the past few days I’ve started to notice that there IS a second line on the test, but I know with these the line is to be as dark or darker than the control – so I need your eyes.  I took 2 different pictures of the OPK this morning with 2 different light settings.  Can you help me read it?

From what I can see, it’s not quite a positive yet, but it seems REALLY close!  CD-23 and Ovulation?  I hope that’s not too late in the game!  Either way, DH – prepare for some BDing this weekend!

update and award…

So, after all the worry and wondering about how the DH and I could quietly do the BD while on an air mattress in the room next to our 7 yr old and 3 mo old nephew and niece (not to meniton my BIL and SIL, with the MIL in yet another room, and my 16 yr old niece across the house…) there was no need.  Yup, here I am at CD22 and still no signs of the big O.  I know, I know…this is my 1st cycle on Metformin and it can take up to 6+ months for it to start showing any signs of working, but a girl can still hope, right?  I had hoped that since it seemed that the Met helped to start my cycle in a somewhat timely manner that maybe it would help me Ovulate the first time as well.  I guess there’s still time, but I’m not holding my breath.

I’ve been doing the OPK’s since CD11.  Since I have no idea when I might ovulate, I just have to keep going with them I guess.  I’ve have a few days where there has been a very light + test line, but from what the test says, it’s supposed to be as dark as or darker than the control line.  We’re not there yet folks!  Hopefully I’ll start to get the hang of this and won’t have to waste so many of them in the future.  My current plans are to finish out this cycle, do one more on just the Met, and if that hasn’t worked yet I’ll do cycle #3 with Metformin and the Clomid that my doc gave me.

In other news, I got nominated for another award!  Thanks to Kate at Busted Plumbing (who, by the way, has an AMAZING new look to her blog).  I’ve been “lurking” Kate’s blog for a while, but through Twitter I’ve been following her more closely now and I’m happy to call her a blogg-y friend!

The rules for this award:

  • Put the Lemonade logo on your blog or within your post.
  • Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude or gratitude.
  • Link the nominees within your post.
  • Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
  • Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.

1) To my bestest friend, SusQ!!  Through all of my struggles with IF, and through everything else in life you’ve been there for me!  I’m so happy for you and your exciting news and that you’re starting to share it with the world.  I love you!

2) To Kate over at Waiting for Sunflower.  I’m so lucky to have “met” you through blogging!  I’m so glad that you are finding happiness again, and that your SONflower is a big part of that!  You and Jack are always in my thoughts!

3) To Kate over at Infertile Myrtle.  You’ve been another good blogg-y friend this year!  I’m so happy for you and your DH.  Only a few more weeks to go for you!

4) To Becca at Liberal Granola Girls Blog.  I’ve also been “lurking” at your blog this year, and now on Twitter as well!  I love your hope and optimism throughout all of the pain and stress of IF.  You give me inspiration!

5) To the Fertility Chick.  Your posts always bring a smile to my face.  It’s hard to find humor and hope in all of this crap, but you always manage to find it.

6) To Lea at All My Pretty Ones.  I’m so happy for you and your new foster daughter!  I know you’re going to be great with her, and fingers crossed that this could turn into something more!

7) To Amaprincess at The Road to Happily Ever After.  A new Twitter friend!  You always seem to have a good attitude, even in the midst of bad news.  I’ve been enjoying your IF Christmas Carols as well!

8 ) To the Fertility Guy at In the Name of the Father.  It’s nice to have the male perspective, and I know my DH enjoys reading your blog as well.  You and your lovely wife bring a bit of humor and levity to all the struggles we face.

9) To Tara at Broken Baby Making Machine.  Congrats to you on your wonderful news!  I’m so happy to any IFer who gets out of the cycle of BFN’s!  Wish you and your family all the best!

10) To Michelle at 2 of a Kind, Working on a Full House.  I’m glad that I found your blog this year.  You’ve been a great support to me and I always look forward to your next post!

Thanks to everyone else who has been a part of my online support system this year.  I don’t think I could have made it through without all of you!  It helps to have people out there who understand you, who can share the pain and struggle, and who can lift you up.  I feel blessed in this online community.