okay, I’m here…

Hey all…I hope you’re still around. I’ve been taking a blogging break, but I’ve still been reading all of my IF blogs daily, sometimes more! I just needed a break from thinking about my own IF for a while.

So, here’s where I’m at. Our last IUI failed. That was the 3rd one after we lost Zippy in March. They say after 3 tries, it’s time to move on to something else. Not only was it our 3rd failed IUI after miscarriage, but I got the news of the BFN 2 days before my due date would have been for our baby. As you can imagine, that has launched me into a pretty spectacular funk. I’m still not out of it. I do my best to put on a happy face throughout the day, and it works, as long as I don’t for a second let my mind wander. My “happy face” mask has to extend also to my brain or it all come crashing down again. Even typing this post is difficult because I’m allowing myself to go “there” – you know, that place where all you can think about is your IF failures and the “what might have been”s. I’m there. I don’t want to be there.

I’m sick of this whole journey. I know it’s building character, and making me stronger, letting me know how much I can deal with and still survive, but if it’s all the same, I’ll give all that character building back if I can please have my baby. Thanks.

I don’t want to deal with this any more, but there is no way out. If I want a child I have to deal with this, and it just so isn’t fair. I’m surrounded by babies, but I can’t have my own and that’s all I want in the world.

The worst part is, we’re at a point now where the only thing we can do is the old fashioned trying to have a baby. We’ve emptied every bank account, begged money off friends and family, taken out loans, gotten as many grants as possible. We’re out. Adoption can’t even be a possibility because the cost is so prohibitive. I’ve got no hope that I will EVER have a child, let alone anytime in the near future. I’ve tried everything I can think of. Thought about cashing out my retirement account that work has for me, but I really can’t do that unless I were to leave my job. That’s another possibility, get hired somewhere else. The state of Illinois is one of the few states that requires jobs to provide IF treatment as part of the Health coverage, that is if you don’t work for a religious institution, which I do. So, if I were to switch jobs, not only would I probably get paid more (which would help) but I’d have IF coverage. But – welcome to our wonderful economy! No one’s hiring. Also I have to worry if it’d be a “pre-exising” condition that wouldn’t be covered anyway. My next option was to get a part time job for nights and weekends and save up for IVF. That failed too – I applied to about 10 places and never heard back from any. I really feel like the world is conspiring against me becoming a mother. I really do.

I don’t know what to do, or where to go. I feel like a boat lost at sea, drifting aimlessly hoping to crash into land, but I’m so far away from the shore I probably won’t survive the journey. Yup, that’s hopelessness folks!

However, my stupid mind got to thinking today. Maybe Baby? was talking on her blog about Metformin and linked to Birds and Squirrels about articles on Metformin. I’ve heard you lovely blog folks mention this med before, but I didn’t know what it did or why one would take it. Turns out, for women with PCOS, it can help regulate cycles and even help ovulation! It has a good percentage to help PCOS women get pregnant even! So of course, I start plotting a new plan. Get my doctor to put me on Metformin, maybe discuss taking baby aspirin, I’ve heard that helps too. Maybe I can even get insurance to cover the drugs some how, since it’s a treatment for a condition I have? I don’t know…will need to talk with doctor about that…then, I guess I could give it a couple months of trying natural? Or, maybe one more IUI shot? Of course after emptying out every ounce of cash we had, we did have another break on the financial front recently that could help for one more try if we wanted to go there. This is giving me things to think about, and actually the first glimmer of hope I’ve had in quite a while…don’t read to much into that though. That glimmer is still miles off in a room full of darkness, but at least it’s a pinpoint of light. I’ve not had that.

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10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Katie
    Oct 22, 2009 @ 17:04:01

    Wait, you have PCOS and you’re not on Metformin??? Why is that? EVery article I’ve read and every doctor I’ve talked to said you can’t regulate PCOS without Metformin. It helps regulate your insulin levels and helps you lose weight and puts your body in synch. I had 40-60 day cycles before Metformin and once I started taking it, my cycles went to 32 days and I actually ovulated. I got pregnant with my first pregnancy 1 month after taking Metformin. Granted it didn’t work out, but not because of metformin. For Metformin to work most effectively you have to take the full dose (1500-2000 depending on weight and degree of severity of your PCOS) and exercise daily and eat a low carb diet. I didn’t low carb that much but the months I did do all three things I ovulated regularly and when Id idn’t I ovulated late. my insurance doesn’t cover any fertility treatments but they cover this because its to treat anaovulatory cycles. PLEASE force your doctor to get you to take this medication.

    Reply

  2. Katie
    Oct 22, 2009 @ 17:05:01

    What I meant was, even if I didn’t watch my eating or exercise, I still ovulated regularly once I had metformin, I just didn’t ovulate “on time”

    Reply

  3. Katie
    Oct 22, 2009 @ 17:06:13

    And one last thing. Women with PCOS have about a 45% change of miscarriage due to the hormone imbalances. Metformin takes away our increased risk factor if we stay on it through the first trimester.

    Reply

    • meggomae
      Oct 22, 2009 @ 18:15:28

      Katie….thank you so much for the info! No, this drug was never even brought up to me. My PCOS diagnosis was more of a default I’ve always felt. They couldn’t find anything wrong so they said “you have PCOS” I think so they could just start the IUI process.

      I really want to talk to my doctor now! I’m wondering though if I should go to my RE or my OBG/YN?? I really hope insurance covers it…

      I have recently started an exercise program (I joined Curves), so there’s one thing! I love carbs, but if cutting them will get me a baby I’ll do it!

      Man, I really wish I had known all this stuff BEFORE I tried having baby. It sucks that 3 years into the process I’m just now learning how I could have held on to my baby and seen him born 2 weeks ago! ARGH! Frustrations does not even begin to cover it!

      Reply

  4. Corinna
    Oct 22, 2009 @ 19:46:06

    I hope that Metformin is your wonder drug! Just some info, if you do switch insurers, from what I understand, if you have a pre-existing condition for which you have been treated previously (while insured), you must be covered for that condition if your new insurance includes it as part of the new plan. I have rheumatoid arthritis, and have had to switch insurance 3 times in the past 7 years. It’s always been a pain to get everything covered, but from what I understand, as long as I am continuously insured, it is the law. Just make sure you get a little “Certificate of Group Health Plan Coverage” – the name of what we got – to prove you’ve been insured previously. Most importantly, don’t let your coverage lapse (I think the max is 63 days without health insurance). It’s all pretty confusing, so talk to someone in HR or at the state insurance commissioner’s office to make sure this applies in your situation before you make any major changes! Here’s a helpful link: http://www.dol.gov/ebsa/faqs/faq_consumer_hipaa.html. It’s about as clear as mud, but gives good resource information. Good luck!

    Would your general practitioner be able to handle the Metformin due to its potential pre-diabetes link? Maybe they’re not informed enough, though… In my experience, the further you get from IF in the code for your diagnosis, the more willing insurers are to cover your issue. (I have problems with arthritis stuff being coded for IF because of autoimmune testing. Aaargh.)

    Reply

    • meggomae
      Oct 22, 2009 @ 19:55:30

      But what if I HAVEN’T been covered for it previously? My current insurance does not cover IF treatments, but I’ve been doing them anyway out of my own pocket…

      Reply

  5. Susie
    Oct 22, 2009 @ 19:49:17

    Oh, that sucks about the med thing. Yet maybe this is a nice glimmer of light in the darkness?? I was just going to ask you if there was a way to “treat” the PCOS. You’d think your doc would have mentioned this earlier. ARRGGGGG. Sometimes I swear you need about 10 doctors opinions to tell you the right information!!! Let me know if you hear a yay or nay on the meds/future treatments,etc.

    Reply

  6. Corinna
    Oct 22, 2009 @ 19:55:01

    Oh, and welcome back! It’s good to hear you still have hope, even if it is just a pinpoint’s worth.

    Reply

  7. Katie
    Oct 22, 2009 @ 20:21:32

    As for getting tested for PCOS, if you go under treatment for anaovulatory periods you’re covered fully. I dont know if you’re covered if you go to an RE for the testing but I went to an OB and it was 100% covered and my meds are $10/month. I don’t believe IF is considered a pre-existing condition since most of the stuff is done outside of insurance. I’m not 100% positive.

    Reply

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