the end of hope…

I have my blood test on Friday to see if this IUI cycle worked…but I’m pretty sure it didn’t.  I’ve had no symptoms: tiredness, sore/tender breasts, constantly peeing – nothing. 

Even though I’m pretty sure I’m not pregnant, when I hear the finaly word on Friday, I know I’m gonna break down.  This was our last chance I think.  I’ve not allowed my husband to bring it up because I don’t want to think about it yet, but I’m pretty sure we won’t be able to try again.  We’ve maxed out every resourse we have for money.  We’ve gotten grants, taken out loans, begged from friends and family and wiped out our savings.  We’ve got nothing left and no where else to look for more.

It’s rediculous…beyond rediculous that the only reason I (or I guess for a lot of you, we) can’t have a family because insurance does not cover the costs.  Don’t I have as much right to a baby as every other woman in America?  It’s not fair that all they have to do is have one night of sex and BOOM!  Baby…

My husband and I have been TTC since January of 2007.  We’re coming up on our 3 year anniversary of not having a baby – this is not an anniversary that you celebrate, rather one that you mourn.  And I will.  I will mourn the child I should have had in October.  I will mourn all the children I COULD have had in that amount of time if I were a normal woman.  I will mourn the children I may NEVER get to have simply because I don’t have the insane amount of money it costs to make a child.

I’ve been trying to think of ways I can get the money we need to make a child:

1) Find a job that pays me $100,000 a year

2) Get a second job and work every night

3) Sell all of my possessions

4) Win the lottery

5) Make friends with a very rich, very old, very sick person who will give me all their money

Short of any of those, this is probably it.  If we wait until my husband is done with school I’ll be about 32 or 33 years old.  Dangerously close to 35…

I’ve looked into adoption, because husband and I have always said we wanted to adopt, but that costs even more than having one myself.  It just seems so unfair.  All I want is a baby.  There are thousands of babies out there who need a good home, but I can’t afford them.  I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO BUY A BABY!!!

I don’t know this person that I’ve become.  This new person gets upset seeing families walking down the street, or a parent pushing their baby in a stroller.  My blood boils when I see a pregnant woman – I actually get MAD when I see a pregnant woman.  That’s not fair.  I don’t know their story.  I’m just jealous.  I’ve never been a jealous person, but this new me is.  This new me is prone to tears at random times.  This new me is never quite as happy as I used to be, though I put on a good face.  I hate this new me.  I want her to go away, but she sticks around…and I fear she’s here to stay.

5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Katie
    Sep 29, 2009 @ 17:12:04


    When is the soonest you can pee on a stick and know?

    I hate that the wealthy can pick and choose. I heard jolie and pitt, just went straight to IVF despite known fertility juts because she hated waiting around. Must be nice.

    I’m really sorry. I’ve felt this overwhelming helplessness too. I *STILL* look at pregnant bellies and feel sick.

    I don’t know why it has to be this difficult. I wish that it wasn’t.

    I’m thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. I hope against hope that Friday will be a good day, but I hope that you have a plan in place to help you cope if your fears are realized, a trip out of town, something, anything…..


  2. meggomae
    Sep 29, 2009 @ 17:59:45

    Yeah, I’m going to need something come Friday to get my mind off things…I’ll have to come up with something 😀

    As far as POAS…I’m not sure. I don’t want to do it and have it be too early. I think I’m just going to wait for the blood test. I’d rather know for sure that it’s negative instead of POAS, get a negative, and still have hope it’s wrong. That would almost be worse.


  3. Carol
    Oct 01, 2009 @ 18:39:45

    I am holding you in my heart. I cannot imagine the anxiety you feel as you hope against hope, but anticipate another round of grief and disappointment. I know you don’t like to talk about it at work, because you need to “hold it together”, but I will be thinking of you and wondering what the blood test result was.
    I agree with the suggestion above, that you should have “a plan in place to help you cope if your fears are realized”. And I would suggest a plan that goes beyond “taking your mind off things” to allowing you to grieve…a plan for marking/memorializing the loss of this round of your dream and hope and longing for a child, a plan that allows you to express your loss. By the grace of God there will be a way forward for you and Justin, though none of us knows what that will look like yet. Acknowledging your loss will help you move forward into whatever that future may be.
    May you be held in the Merciful Arms of God as you anticipate tomorrow.


  4. Katie
    Oct 02, 2009 @ 15:51:17

    Just a quick note that i’m thinking of you today. *hugs*


  5. meggomae
    Oct 02, 2009 @ 16:06:26

    Thanks everyone for the comments…I haven’t gained any more hope over the last few days that this worked, but I’ll know for sure one way or the other today.


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