the dreaded birthday is past…

So, it’s over.  I’m 29.  I survived.

I was not looking forward to celebrating this birthday.  I’ve had a really crappy year.  Really.  I should be happy to saying goodbye to 28, since it treated me like garbage, but 29 scares me even more.  What if this year is no better?  More setbacks, more heartache.  I really want to hope it’ll be better, that something good will come out of 29, but it’s hard to see that silver lining on the cloud that was 28 sometimes…

I’ve always loved my birthdays and celebrating them.  I usually plan big parties.  This year, I did not.  I did however organize an outing to see the Minnesota Twins with a group of friends that I haven’t seen in a long time.  It was amazing to see them all, and made me miss them even more.  Hopefully someday I won’t live so far from them.  Of course, that would mean living far away from my new friends where I am now.  I’m just going to have to start a commune where we can all live together.

Anyway, I survived.  I have September to *hopefully* look forward to a new IUI cycle, and hope that it’ll work.  October is going to be rough.  I was supposed to be having a baby in early October.  I’ll get through somehow.

Until then, here’s a little video I made of my day at the HHH Metrodome watching the Twins kick some Oriole ass!  Hope you are all doing well…

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my life right now…

Hey folks…it’s been a while, and let me tell you, a lot has happened in that time!

At last update, I was counting down to Sept 9th, when I can call in for a perscription to jump start AF.  Still waiting for that, but nervous it won’t happen.  Let me tell you why.

My husband and I had planned to go visit my parents over my birthday (Aug 24th) which we did.  We left last Friday and arrived back last night.  However, before we left, we had a bit of excitement.

I had noticed on my stomach last monday that I had an irritation.  I sometimes do get small cysts of some type there where my jeans rub on my stomach when it’s hot out.  They are small, show up for a day or two then go away.  This one however was about 2 inches around, rock hard and painful.  Any pressure that was put on it was excruciating.  Also, I got home from work on Tuesday after spending the day completly exhausted and went straight to bed.  I ended up sleeping until 10:30 pm when I woke up and realized I’d been having chills the whole time.  Had a temp of over 100.  My husband finally convinced me to go get it check out, so on Wednesday we went in to the doc (a regular doctor to, like, the kind normal people go to, can you believe it?).  Here’s where we start getting into the gross stuff.  The area had burst open that morning, so I showed up at the doctor with washrag on my stomach.  She looked at it a bit and took a culture.  She finally decided that, due to the fever and size of the infection that I should go to the ER.  Yup…I spent 6 hours in the emergency room last Wednesday.  Good times!

We got into a room right away, as my doc had called ahead to tell them to expect me.  We waited about 20 min to see the doc.  They set me up on IV antibiotics and pain killers.  I also got a local on my stomach.  She then used a scalpel to open up the wound to drain it.  Let me tell you, that was the 2nd most painful thing I’ve ever experienced.  Even with all the pain meds they had me on and the local, I could feel it all.  I was crying and screaming the whole time.  I felt bad for the people around me, as we were just in a curtained off section.  I also had a CAT scan, to make sure the infection hadn’t gotten to my organs (it did not).  They were worried that I might have mersa (a very severe staff infection), but from culture results today, it looks like it was just a general staph infection.

So, I’m on antibiotics and I stopped taking the pain meds a few days ago as it is much better now.  Went in to the doc this morning and the infection is pretty much gone.  They put packing in the would at the ER to keep it open (it basically looks like a shoestring) which is put in the infection to keep it open so it continues to drain.  My husband now has the job of pulling out the string 1cm a day until it comes out.  Good times.  That does not feel good either.  More pain in store!  Woo Hoo!

So, that’s pretty much done, and the antibotics are done in about 3 days.  Here’s the main problem – I hope this does not effect starting my next IUI cycle in September.  The infecting is right at the injection site for my brevelle.  I’m hoping we can do it on the other side of my belly button (anyone know if it matters what side you inject on??).  I’m nervous though that they’ll say since it was so soon they don’t want to do an IUI.  Does staph effect pregnancy?  Now that I’ve had it once, I can be more prone to getting it again, so I have to be very careful.  It was just on my skin though, so I’m hoping this will not effect IF treatments in anyway, but I’m nervous.  I’m also nervous that the damn cyst in my uterus will still be there and I’ll have to wait again.  All I can do is inform my nurse when I call on the 9th of everything and hope I get the go ahead.

counting down…

Hey…thought I’d do a quick check in.  I know I haven’t posted in a while.  I’m still counting down to 36 days before I can call my nurse and get some drugs to start AF and hopefully the damn cyst will be gone and we can do another try with IUI.  September 9th – that’s when my 36 days will be up.  I guess it’s not that far away, but it does feel like forever, because then I have to wait for AF, then all the shots and procedures begin, and it probably won’t work anyway, because that’s just my life now.

I’ve had a good week though.  My niece is in town visiting with us.  She leaves tomorrow.  We’ve had a great time doing the touristy things in Chicago this week though.  I’ll be sad when she is gone.  Up until I graduated college, I saw her at least once a week for her entire life.  It was quite the adjustment to go from that to not seeing her for 6 months…or longer sometimes!  She’s 16 now, I can hardly believe it.  We bring her to Chicago for a week every summer to hang out and see the sights.  My husband is taking her on the architectural boat tour today, and tomorrow he meets her dad in Madison for her to go back home.   She starts her JUNIOR YEAR of high school on Thursday!  Way too early to start school if you ask me!

On Friday the hubby and I head up to stay with my parents for a few days.  My b-day is on the 24th and we got tickets to see the MN Twins play that day!  I’m very excited, and we’re meeting up with about 10 of my friends to watch the game with.  I’m so happy to be seeing them.  It’s been too long.  There will also be a party with my family on Sunday which will be great as well 🙂

I’m not really looking forward to this birthday, which is saying something.  I’ve always loved my birthday’s and have big celebrations with my friends.  Heck, one year in grad school we spent the whole month of August celebrating!  But this year I turn 29.  Not only does that make me feel incredibly too old, but my life plans for this age are no where near reached.  In college, my dreams were to meet the perfect guy, get married after graduation and start having kids by 25.  Well, I didn’t meet the perfect guy until after college, so I was 25 before I got married.  We waited 2 years to start trying for a baby, because we wanted to enjoy married life together.  Looking back on that I almost have to laugh now.  We’ve now been trying for 2 years.  If we’d started right away, would we have a child by now?  I don’t know.  I’m not really wanting to celebrate my birthday, outside of what is planned with the family and going to the Twins game.  I don’t know – guess I’m just not in the celebrating mood after everything that has happened this year.  It just doesn’t feel right.

Also, please keep a good friend of mine in your thoughts in prayers, as she is going through a very difficult time right now.

you know what lady…

If you don’t want your baby, I will gladly take it off your hands.

I was at Target today, and as I was walking out to my car I saw a pregnant woman, probably around 6 or 7 months, in the parking lot – smoking.  Yup.  Sometimes, don’t you really just want to grab every pregnant woman you see who is harming her fetus and smack her across the face??  I really wanted to go up to her and say, “Lady, if you really don’t want your baby, stop smoking right now and I will take it off your hands as soon as it’s born!”  There ought to be a service for IF women to get babies from women who don’t give a shit.  I know there’s adoption, but those women care for their children, or they would not be giving them up.  Plus, adoption is so prohibitivly expensive!  I’d love to be connected to a woman who dosen’t want her child, offer to pay all the medical appointments and then take the baby once it’s born.  That seems fair.  they don’t want thier baby, I desperatly do!  Good trade!

Sorry…just venting.

wishing I “knew” you…

I check the blogs of my IF blogging “friends” at least twice a day, sometimes more.  I check some of them more often when I know something is going on in their IF world, or if they’re expecting results so I can keep up to date with them, offer comments when I feel I can say something, and generally just keep them in my thoughts.  I don’t comment on everyone’s blog (sorry), but I do think of you all.

Getting through all of the IF crap is tough, we all know that!  I have some amazingly wonderful friends in my real life who are helpful and are with me in my struggle.  However, sometimes I wish I had some of you in my real life.  Someone who is going through this crap right now that I could call up and cry to on the phone.  There should be and IF bloggers calling tree for when one of us is having a particularly hard time of it!  Or conventions…that are free, as we can’t afford to be paying to go to a convention when there is no insurance coverage for most of us!

I guess I’m just having a rough month (well, year really, but this past month has been close to unbearable).  Just need some time off to sort through everything I guess.

what the heck…

So I just got the call back from my nurse. I have a 24 mm cyst. What the heck? I’ve never had that before! What does that even mean? How did it get there? She said anything over 20 and we can’t do the IUI because the drugs could effect it too much, so – canceled. WTF!!!!!!!! I’m supposed to call with my next period. I told her that could be 3 or 4 months! I was so upset. She offered to check with the doctor and call me back. So the new plan is if I haven’t got a visit from our dear Aunt Flo in 36 days to call her back and they will prescribe me the drugs that jump start my cycle.

I can’t even handle this right now. I’m so upset. Did I do something wrong? On my last ultrasound with my last cycle before the IUI, I didn’t “guide in” the wand very well apparently and the tech kinda jabbed it in. After that I had a brown discharge for about 2 weeks after. Did that cause the cyst? Should I have said something to my nurse about that? I just figured it was my freaky body acting up again and that’s why the IUI didn’t work this last time, but now I don’t know. Just today again now I’m having some of the same brown discharge, which I haven’t had since then, and today was the u/s. Did that cause this? Urgh!!

I’ve never had a cyst before. Does this happen with PCOS often? What do I do? My nurse didn’t seem concerned at all, said it would go away with my next cycle – but what if it doesn’t. Do I need to see my Gyno? I want to just go crawl into a hole and cry for the next 36 days. I was just starting to recover for the BFN last week, now this! I feel like this is a whole month lost now…I month I was very hopeful something good would happen. My 29th birthday is at the end of this month. I was hoping for a great bday present…I was hoping to be pregnant before that milestone. I WAS pregnant before that milestone. This just sucks – big time.

just a bit awkward…

So I went in for my baseline u/s and blood work today.  Again, my most wonderful nurse set aside some free Brevelle for us (huzzah)!  All went fine.  Should get the call later today with my dosage and to schedule the next appointment.

But, I have a question for you all, and please be warned descriptions may get a bit personal here – you were warned.

Every time I go in for my ultrasound, the tech wants me to help “guide it in”…by “it” I mean the transvaginal ultrasound wand.  Is this normal?  If it was just one particular tech, I’d think it was just her thing, but I’ve had multiple techs and they’ve all asked me if I want to help them.  You know what – you’re basically sticking a camera on a stick up my lady parts…I would not be offended if you did that yourself.  It’s so awkward to have to reach down there and do it myself.  Isn’t this what I’m paying them the big bucks for?  Didn’t they go to school to learn how to do this?  I mean, it’s not like they don’t know where that probe is supposed to go!  We’re already in a very personal situation here, you may as well just go for it.  Not to mention that they lady I’ve had the past few times loads up the wand with the ultrasound jelly and they proceeds to hit my leg, stomach and any other part of my body in that vicinity, covering me in blue goopy gel.  Ewww…then when I have to help her “guide it in” (read, but the darn probe in all by myself) it gets all over my hands.  By the time it’s all said in done, I need a shower.

So, for all of you transvaginal ultrasound veterans out there, is this normal?  I have no basis for comparison really, as I’ve only had one of these outside of my RE clinic.  Sometimes the techs will ask if I want help and I’ll say no, they can do it.  Most of the time however, they just tell me to guide it in.  It just seems awkward to me – I mean I can understand that maybe they’re just trying to make me more comfortable, but that just agitates me.  I just want them to do it and get it over with.  Maybe this is the way they are supposed to do it, I don’t know. Any insight into the phenomenon would be appreciated!

Hope you are all well, and I’ll keep you updated on the progress this cycle!

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