just keep moving…

I had a rough day yesterday.  I got 2 hours of sleep as I went to see Harry Potter in IMAX 3-D at midnight, then had my blood test at 6:30 am, which meant I woke up at 5:30 to get ready and leave after going to be at about 3 am.  Yeah.  Then my heart jumped in my chest every time the phone rang waiting for the call.  If I’m honest with myself, I really thought it had worked this time, even though I always tell myself it hasn’t worked.  But, I was pretty tired the last few weeks (though that could be from not sleeping well), and my breasts have been a bit sore (though, not as much as when I was pregnant), and I’ve been peeing a lot more than normal (I NEVER wake up at night to go, except when I was pregnant).  So, I wasn’t experiencing the symptoms to the same degree as I did when I was pregnant with Zippy, but it was enough to give me hope.

So, when I got the call and it was negative, needless to say I was pretty crushed.  I managed to get through the day at work fine, but as soon as I jumped in the car to go home, it was over.  It also didn’t help that it took an hour to get home yesterday, as opposed to the normal 30-45 min – traffic was extra heavy!  I was sitting in my car, wiping the tears that were streaming down my face.  Driving in heavy traffic while extremely tired, upset and crying is NOT a good idea.  I’d recommend that you all never do it.

Last IUI I was not nearly as upset about the negative result.  Granted, I was sad it had not worked, but I never thought it had that time because I had zero symptoms.  I think the combo of having some small possible symptoms and being extremely tired really got to me.  Today I’m better, but still have to concentrate hard not to cry.

I’m at the point now (again) where I just want this all to be over.  I want a baby so badly.  I mean, I’ve wanted that for the whole 2 1/2 years we’ve been trying, but it’s really building up right now.  I’m worried we had our 1 shot and I blew it.  We have enough to try again, but pretty much that will be it.  Justin and I had a short conversation yesterday that after this, we will most likely have to stop.  I don’t even want to think about that.  How can I stop?  How can I live 3 years without – I can’t comprehend that right now, so I’m going to stop writing about it.

I miss the happy person I used to be.  It took me a long time to get to that point, but I was truly happy and things did not bother me – I did not let them.  Why stress or worry I would say?  Things will work themselves out.  I miss that person.  I was not one of those annoyingly perky people, I was just happy being who I was and happy with my lot in life.  I want that back.  I don’t want to be the person that looks away in pain when I see a pregnant stranger on the street or a happy family walk by.  I don’t want to be the person that stares in anger and jealousy at a pregnant belly, or that cries in pain at the happy family – the one I fear I will never have.  I hate that person, I wish she would go away.

I’m in a rough spot right now folks and trying to crawl my way out.  It just is so unfair, and makes no sense.  I need your help.  How do you get through the darkest times in this battle?  I tend to turn to donuts, which is not helpful at all!  I’m going to spend the day with my best friend tomorrow.  Took 1/2  a personal day, and I’m hoping that will help me clear my head a bit.  She’s known from the very beginning that we were trying to have a baby, she was the only one we told we were trying until we got pregnant with Zippy.  She’s been with me through the miscarriage and all the struggles.  She’s just moved closer to where I am which makes me very happy.  It’s still a bit of a drive, but much closer than it used to be!

I know I’ll make it through all this, hopefully with a happy bouncy baby at the end, but at this moment, it doesn’t feel like it will ever get to that point.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kate
    Jul 30, 2009 @ 21:48:48

    Oh hon, I wish I could give you the perfect advice to make the pain go away. I know all too well how you’re feeling right now. It’s horrible, horrible, horrible. Especially when you have the signs and symptoms that makes the fall even harder.

    I reached a point where I could not take it anymore after my miscarriage. Some things that help me:

    1) Prayer. For a long long long long time I backed away from faith because I couldn’t understand a God who would put me through this. Anyways, faith is a personal topic so I apologize if I’m offending you, but faith helped me though IC an’t say it’d help everyone. I don’t pray for a baby anymore, I just pray for peace.

    2) Meditation. I close mye yes and breath in and out, I visualize calm and peaceful landscapes and places, I close my eyes and visualize the good things in my life, my husband, a nice vacation I might have taken, anything, and I try to visualize my future baby for hope’s sake (I don’t do the latter very often as it does get painful).

    3) Exercise. I hate exercising but once you’ve done it, it really helps you feel better. I get my ipod and either run on the treadmill or powerwalk in my neighborhood or just go up and down the stairs in my house. I listen to pump up music and angry music and think about what’s hurting and I run through it.

    4) Allow yourself the grief. I fought this for some time but overtime I’ve learned that if I’m feeling choked up with grief sometimes you have to just face it. I’ll put on a sad song or CD that I know will get me going and I just lie down and let the grief take over me for an hour or so. I’ll cry and lament, and then I’ll feel empty. Light. We’re going through deep heavy stuff, its okay to feel paina nd its okay to cry.

    5) Talk about it with people going through it. I can’t talk to my fertile friends. They don’t get it. They pat me on the shoulder and say “it’ll happen for you”…. they don’t know. That’s why blogging helps. If you ever want to vent personall you can always e-mail me.

    *hugs* Thinking of you.

    Reply

  2. katery
    Jul 30, 2009 @ 23:36:57

    oh man, it really is just crushing to have to go through this stuff. it’s really the not knowing i think, not knowing if it’s all in vain, that’s what really got to me, it still does. maybe next time you’ll get that illusive bfp, just keep trying, keep pushing forward, you can do it.

    Reply

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