just keep moving…

I had a rough day yesterday.  I got 2 hours of sleep as I went to see Harry Potter in IMAX 3-D at midnight, then had my blood test at 6:30 am, which meant I woke up at 5:30 to get ready and leave after going to be at about 3 am.  Yeah.  Then my heart jumped in my chest every time the phone rang waiting for the call.  If I’m honest with myself, I really thought it had worked this time, even though I always tell myself it hasn’t worked.  But, I was pretty tired the last few weeks (though that could be from not sleeping well), and my breasts have been a bit sore (though, not as much as when I was pregnant), and I’ve been peeing a lot more than normal (I NEVER wake up at night to go, except when I was pregnant).  So, I wasn’t experiencing the symptoms to the same degree as I did when I was pregnant with Zippy, but it was enough to give me hope.

So, when I got the call and it was negative, needless to say I was pretty crushed.  I managed to get through the day at work fine, but as soon as I jumped in the car to go home, it was over.  It also didn’t help that it took an hour to get home yesterday, as opposed to the normal 30-45 min – traffic was extra heavy!  I was sitting in my car, wiping the tears that were streaming down my face.  Driving in heavy traffic while extremely tired, upset and crying is NOT a good idea.  I’d recommend that you all never do it.

Last IUI I was not nearly as upset about the negative result.  Granted, I was sad it had not worked, but I never thought it had that time because I had zero symptoms.  I think the combo of having some small possible symptoms and being extremely tired really got to me.  Today I’m better, but still have to concentrate hard not to cry.

I’m at the point now (again) where I just want this all to be over.  I want a baby so badly.  I mean, I’ve wanted that for the whole 2 1/2 years we’ve been trying, but it’s really building up right now.  I’m worried we had our 1 shot and I blew it.  We have enough to try again, but pretty much that will be it.  Justin and I had a short conversation yesterday that after this, we will most likely have to stop.  I don’t even want to think about that.  How can I stop?  How can I live 3 years without – I can’t comprehend that right now, so I’m going to stop writing about it.

I miss the happy person I used to be.  It took me a long time to get to that point, but I was truly happy and things did not bother me – I did not let them.  Why stress or worry I would say?  Things will work themselves out.  I miss that person.  I was not one of those annoyingly perky people, I was just happy being who I was and happy with my lot in life.  I want that back.  I don’t want to be the person that looks away in pain when I see a pregnant stranger on the street or a happy family walk by.  I don’t want to be the person that stares in anger and jealousy at a pregnant belly, or that cries in pain at the happy family – the one I fear I will never have.  I hate that person, I wish she would go away.

I’m in a rough spot right now folks and trying to crawl my way out.  It just is so unfair, and makes no sense.  I need your help.  How do you get through the darkest times in this battle?  I tend to turn to donuts, which is not helpful at all!  I’m going to spend the day with my best friend tomorrow.  Took 1/2  a personal day, and I’m hoping that will help me clear my head a bit.  She’s known from the very beginning that we were trying to have a baby, she was the only one we told we were trying until we got pregnant with Zippy.  She’s been with me through the miscarriage and all the struggles.  She’s just moved closer to where I am which makes me very happy.  It’s still a bit of a drive, but much closer than it used to be!

I know I’ll make it through all this, hopefully with a happy bouncy baby at the end, but at this moment, it doesn’t feel like it will ever get to that point.

results are in

it’s negative again.

a repost from my DH…

My husband posted this on his blog today (click here for Justin’s blog).  I asked for permission to re post it here.  I love my husband with all my being, and he never ceases to amaze me, or make me cry (good cry, not bad cry) at the drop of a hat with his words.  He has written me poetry over the years, and I always tear up when I read a new one.  I had a hard time viewing the video through the screen of tears in my eyes today as I read this post.

Lessons Learned: A Tough Year…A Memorial
Today marks the eleventh anniversary of the death of my Dad.  For those who do not know; for as long as I can remember my dad suffered from diabetes.  Beginning in the summer before my freshman year of high school, 1991, his body began to rebel and started losing the war against the disease.  Over the next several years he lost both legs below the knee, most of his fingers, was on dialysis, and was loosing his eyesight.  Diabetes is a slow methodical assassin.  It takes its victims out bit by bit.  That is how it attacked my dad.  We knew he would not be around forever, but when diabetes dealt her final blow it happened so quickly we were all stunned.  The monster had been working on his veins, slowly turning them to stone.  His heart was attacked and what would have been a moderately severe, but probably treatable heart attack was a death sentence.  The rock hard veins and arteries around his heart could not be stinted lest they shatter.  Within 24-hours he was gone.

I have been thinking about Dad a lot over the last several months.  I have imagined what our debates would have been like during the election, and how, though he probably would not admit it due to the winner being a democrat, he would have been excited to see our nation move forward and elect an African-American.  I imagine the look of joy and tears welling up in the corner of his eyes was we announce to the family that we were expecting our first child.  I can see him greiving as we lament the loss of the same child.  And I can imagine his encouragement as I begin seminary in the fall.

My Dad taught me a great many things during our brief 21 years together.  Most important he taught me to to enjoy life.  Love those around you.  You hold them up when they are hurt, and let yourself be held by them.  You may be going through hell, but no matter what, the sun also rises.  There is tomorrow, and if there is not, make sure those around you are able to see the sun rise through the clouds of their grief.  When we lost Zippy, I took these lessons to heart.  In the dark days and months after the miscarriage I, every morning, look to the east and see the sun rise.  I give thanks for the gift I was given, not only in the short time with Zippy, but for the life and lessons of George Allen Thornburgh.

Dad, the Orthodox say Memory Eternal when one passes to the next life.  Know your Memory is Eteranally with me.

And now, something for you all to see to meet my dad!

ms. crabbypants…

Oi!  I have been so freakin’ crabby lately!  I don’t know what’s going on.  I think it’s because I’m not getting much sleep at night.  I got to work today in a very foul mood.  Had to call the husband and tell him to calm me down before I threw a stapler at someones head.  There is nothing in particular that is making me crabby.  I just wake up and BAM – angry at the world!  Maybe it’s because now I’m commuting a 1/2 hour to work each way?  Does the traffic on Lake Shore Drive make me crabby?  I think it doesn’t help, but I’m definitely in a mood before I even leave the house in the morning, so I guess I can’t blame it all on traffic.  Any tips on how to calm down would be greatly appreciated.  I don’t really know how to deal with this, as I’ve never really been prone to bouts of crabbiness.

In other news, when Justin and I are someday able to have children, they are going to be the cutest damn children ever!  Look at these baby pics of my hubby:

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I mean, can you even handle the cuteness??  He’s just as adorable now, but looking at these pictures, I can’t wait to have a little version of Justin – I just can’t!

what’s been going on…

Hey guys.  Sorry.  I’ve been lame about posting.  Life happens sometimes.

With my last post I was talking about possible financial help that would be coming our way.  Boy did it!  We were approved for a medical loan through MedicalFinancing.com which was suggested to us from our clinic.  It’s kind of like getting a credit card specifically to pay for medical procedures.  They cover a wide variety, but one of the things they cover is infertility.  Can you believe it?  Someone actually recognizes that infertility is expensive and no one can afford it!  So, this is a loan that we will have to pay back with interest, but the monthly payments are MUCH easier to handle than paying for every single appointment the day I have them – MUCH easier!  It sucks we had to take out a loan, but it’s good to know we don’t have to worry about costs for the time being.

Also, I mentioned that we got a grant through a program at work.  This was also a blessing, as we had already gotten a very generous grant at the end of last year, which helped us to conceive.  Unfortunately, we ran through all that money and lost our child.  So, we are VERY grateful that they were willing to help us out a bit more.

And – I have some amazingly wonderful friends and family.  At the beginning of this cycle, husband and I were pretty desperate.  We basically did each appointment, one at a time, not knowing if we’d have to cancel the cycle because we ran out of money.  We started with enough for one appointment and one box of meds.  We got meds from the clinic luckily, so we were able to do appointment #2.  Then realized if we stretched it, we could make #3.  After that, they said we were ready for IUI.  It went very fast, and luckily by that point we had found out we were approved for the loan.  We barely squeaked by, but we made it.  So, because we were unsure how things would go, we pretty much hit on all of our options from day 1 of the cycle.  We contacted the financing company (which worked out), we contacted the company that gave us our previous loan to see if it were possible to get another smaller grant (which worked out) and we also sent out a letter to our families asking for any help they could offer.  We both felt bad and awkward asking, but we were desperate and at the point where we thought this might be the last try until husband is done with school.  I also got a phone call from my best friend one day asking if she could send out a call to some of our old friends for help.  Again, I felt awkward doing that, but we were desperate.  Well – that worked too!  We are now at the point where if this cycle didn’t work, we have enough to try again, and maybe once more after that if we’re very careful!  I just am stunned by the generosity and the luck that we seem to have fallen into.

If by some small miracle (fingers crossed!!!) this past IUI did work, then all the money we’ve received will just about pay off the loan that we took out.  That is beyond amazing to me.  Going from desperation to grace in about 2 weeks is beyond description.  I often times don’t know how to even express the gratitude I feel towards everyone who has helped me out, my grant representative, my family, my friends, even the loan company!!!  They have all helped the husband and I feel blessed, loved, and extremely lucky.

So yes, we had our #2 (well…really 3rd, but I’ve started over since the miscarriage counting the IUI’s) IUI procedure last Thursday and Friday.  Right after the procedure on Friday the husband and I jumped in the car and headed out for our annual anniversary trip to McGregor, IA.  We’ve gone there every year since our honey moon (so 5 years now) for camping, B&B at the Little Switzerland Inn, and hanging out with my sister and her family on there boat on the Mississippi.  It was amazing to get away from everything here in Chicago for 4 days!  No work, no puppies that pee on the floor and then I step in it, no thoughts of IF – just pure fun and vacation – and sleep!!  I’ve been dog tired the past few weeks, trying to get money worked out, unpacking the new apartment, 2 am wake ups by the puppy, driving over an hour a day to get to and from work now, and just being generally cranky the last month (apologies to the husband for that one).  I really needed this break, and it didn’t disappoint.  I’ll try to post some pictures up at some point.

So, now we’re on the TWW for the blood test after IUI.  We’ll see.

Also, is sad news, please keep Maybe Baby? in your thoughts.  She and I have very similar stories and timelines with the loss of our babies this year.  She had recently become pregnant again, quite unexpectly and on her own without medical intervention, but found out yesterday that she had lost the baby.  It’s hard enough to loose one child to miscarriage; she is having to deal with the loss of two babies in the same year.  I grieve with her.  If you have a moment, head over to her blog and leave her a comment.  One big thing that helps us IFers get through the tough times are words from those who have been there and really do understand the pain.

*UPDATED* I’m still here…

Hey all.  Sorry for the drought in posts lately!  It’s been kinda crazy: new puppy, trying to unpack, and also trying to get some stuff worked out financially for my treatments, so I wanted to have things a bit more concrete before I posted.

We had another u/s bloodwork today.  Haven’t heard back on what the next step is, but I think we’re getting close to IUI time, which is kind of bad timing, as the hubby and I are going away this weekend for our 4th anniversary (which is Thursday!!!!!!).  We may have to forgo the IUI and just do the old fashioned baby dance!

We’ve also been exploring our financial avenues.  I’d been doing some looking around and thanks to RESOLVE I found some places where you can apply for loans for infertility treatment.  It’s basically like getting a credit card for use only on fertility treatments.  It’s a bit easier for us to make $75/mo payments than $250/week or more depending on what we’re doing at the clinic at the time!  It sucks to have to take out a loan like that and pay it plus interest, but it’s really the only option for us at this point.  So, we should know by today if it’s all gone through and then the money will be sent to our clinic.

We’ve also been INCREDIBLY blessed by the love of friends and family lately.  My best friend sent out a letter to some of our mutual friends asking if they could help us out financially towards our goal of becoming parents.  The response we’ve gotten so far has been amazing.  I can’t believe that many of them are willing to help us with money and with prayers.  Both are equally welcomed and appreciated.  I’ve been left speechless by all the love we’ve gotten from people through all of this, and once again I have little that I can say (which if you know me, that’s pretty fantastic).  All I can say is Thank you, and say it over and over.

We have one more tentacle out there that may be a big help in paying for all of this, but I’ll hold off on posting on that until we know one way or the other on it.**

**Just got news: we had applied for an emergency assistance grant through a program at my work.  Just found out we’ve been approved!!!  I’m so happy.  We had gotten a grant for this before and that one helped us to get pregnant the first time.  Here’s hoping that this is a good sign for what’s to come.  Oh!  And also got word today: IUI on Thursday and Friday!  So soon!  Last time it seemed like it took forever to get to this point.  I’m nervous/excited.  Soon to be on the TWW!

If by some small miracle this cycle is successful, we’ll be able to use all of this generosity to help begin to pay off the loan.  The faster we can get rid of that, the happier I’ll be!  If it dosen’t work, we’ll have a nest egg to try again.

In other news, tonight is the premiere of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince!  I’m a HUGE Harry Potter fan(atic).  I even went to a convention this past spring for Harry Potter (which you may remember from posts earlier).  So, straight after work I go up to meet my friend Abbey and we get in line – we’ll probably be there around 6ish for the midnight movie.  Oh yes!  I will wait in lines all night to be first in the theatre!!  Due to this, tonight will be the first time I’ll be doing my med injection on my own.  My husband, who is very much NOT a Harry Potter fan, will not be sitting in line with me.  I’m nervous.  I hate needles.  I can’t even look when I get a shot or have blood drawn.  Now I’m going to have to stick the needle in myself!  Abbey may help me out, I’m still trying to decide what to do.  Any advice from any of you pros out there who aren’t such big needle babies??

Guess that’s it for now, I’ll let you know in an update if we get any news on when a possible IUI might be!

hbp

Um, wow…

Some of you may remember that June 25th was RESOLVE‘s Advocacy Day in Washington DC.  I couldn’t be there myself, but I did all I could here.  I posted a blog, I put up twitter posts all day about it, and “donated” my facebook status.  I even wrote to all the senators and representatives that speak for me in DC as an Illinois resident.  I only heard back from 2 of them, but I felt good that I had done something here.

Well, I was looking at my blog stats today and it shows you where people who have read your blog come from and there was a weird link that I didn’t recognize so I click on it and it took me here.

I don’t really know much about “Blog Her” but I’ve been meaning to find out more about it, and now I’m in one of the articles!  If you scroll down to the bottom of the article this blog is mentioned and is quoted!!!  I can’t believe it…it’s pretty crazy that something I said would be quoted by anyone!  Let alone the Stirrup Queen herself!

I hope that what I said and what RESOLVE was able to do in DC will help us all to reach our goals with less stress and less worry about money.  It’s hard enough to go through all we do with infertility without the added stress and pain of having to pay for it all without the help of insurance.

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