dare to believe…

Monday is the day of the blood test to see if the IUI worked.  I’m nervous.  I’m expecting a negative outcome, as I haven’t experienced any of the symptoms that I did last time when it had worked.  However, it’s a crazy tight rope the IFers walk between hope and despair.  While I’m not expecting any good news on Monday, I do have some hope in me.

This hope comes from my dear friend Carly.  She is in Italy for a portion of this summer with a group from the college she works at.  One of her stops was in Assisi.  Justin and I asked her to perhaps say a prayer for us there.  We have adopted St. Francis of Assisi as our family patron saint.  We both love and respect what he did in life and what he stands for in death.  We have a beautiful icon of him that was painted by our friend Larry as a wedding gift (Justin gave it to me as a gift, he commissioned it from Larry.  I gave him a flask.  I think we get each other very well).  Well just yesterday we got a message from Carly, and I hope she won’t mind if I post it here:

“As requested, I carried your prayers with me to Assisi and had the most remarkable experience when I was there. I don’t know what it all means with regard to my prayers for you, but I wanted to share it with you anyway.

“In the chapel where they keep St. Francis’s remains, they have candles you can get with a donation and then leave at the altar. They ask you not to light them, but just to leave them as an offering. So, I got my candles, for you and for a few others, and carried them up to the altar. As I approached, the friar who had been sitting over at the benediction place made eye contact with me and jumped up as if he had been expecting me. It was so very strange. It was like he had been waiting for me. He came and took my candles from me, blew out the candles that were on the St. Francis altar (which were not burned down in the least) and replaced them with the candles I had brought. There were 50 people bringing candles to the altar and he used mine (yours) as the altar candles. I prayed for you as he lit yours, then spent some more time in prayer for you.

“I wanted to share this experience with you. I can not convey how intense it was in the moment, but I want you to know that your patron saint is looking out for you and your friend loves you very much. I am bringing home an olive wood rosary for you as well as some blessed prayer cards from inside the St. Francis chapel.

“My love and prayers are with you at this time, and always, Carly”

After I cleared the tears from my eyes, I responded with our thanks and love for her prayers and for all she gives us with her friendship.  Now, I don’t know if this is a sign that things will be all right now, or just that our future is blessed, no matter what the outcome.  Whatever it means, it has given me some hope and I will cling to it no matter what happens on Monday.


RESOLVE’s Advocacy Day, June 25



Hey all…I just found out about this today, RESOLVE’s Advocacy Day.  A group is going to Washington to fight for infertility coverage!  Click here to go to the main page for Advocacy Day.  Below I’ve cut and pasted a ton of stuff from their website.  You can go and read it there, but I thought I’d highlight some of it so you know what this is, and what you can do!

RESOLVE Advocacy Day: Why Me? Why Now?

Today we are in a unique moment in US history where the future of healthcare reform is being discussed in the halls of Congress. Together we need to make sure that the leaders of this discussion hear firsthand what those touched by infertility need in our healthcare system. There’s never been a time in RESOLVE’s 35 year history where we need you more than we do today. Grab your spouse, partner, best-friend or mom and join us June 25 in Washington D.C. 

On June 25, RESOLVE’s family building advocates will be in Washington DC in an effort to make family building more affordable.

There are ways you can help, today.

Share this email with family and friends asking them to sign up to become an advocate and stay informed.

Change your status to: “Today I’m donating my status to RESOLVE’s Advocacy Day–leading the charge for greater access to affordable care for infertility patients.” (Don’t forget to become a Fan of RESOLVE)

Let your readers know what is going on in Washington DC this week. More information here.

Tweet to all your followers: “June 25 is RESOLVE’s Advocacy Day, visit for ways to get involved.”

Make a generous tax-deductible online donation today to help support our ongoing initiatives to increase access to affordable care.

The infertility community needs to be on the minds of our elected officials this summer as the healthcare reform discussions continue. We can’t do it without you..take action, be generous… and stand up and be heard!

Here is a way you can do something in your area!!!

Federal Legislation

  • Contact your Representative and ask them to co-sponsor HR 697, the Family Building Act of 2009.
  • Contact your Senators and urge them to sponsor infertility coverage legislation in the Senate.

Info provided by RESOLVE on Insurance coverage…click the link! Some info about Insurance coverage from RESOLVE

There is also a form where you can submit YOUR story for the RESOLVE group to take to Washington with them!  Below I’ve posted what I wrote for them to take.  I feel like by doing this I can help make changes.  I hope you will all do the same!

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child for 2 years. After a year of trying with no success I was referred to an infertility clinic. Shortly after my first appointment we learned that my insurance does not cover infertility treatment, only diagnostic tests. After about 6 months I was diagnosed with PCOS. From that point on, it has been a struggle and everything I can do to keep going in our journey for a child. In January 2009 we finally conceived a child through IUI. It had taken us almost $5000 in drug costs (which were not covered) weekly blood tests and ultrasounds (also not covered) and the actual IUI procedure (not covered by insurance). We were so happy. It had been a long road and we were pretty much broke, but we were going to have our child. In March of 2009 I lost my child. My insurance did cover my emergency room costs, hospital stay and surgery (d&c). However, now we are trying again. We’ve put another $3000 into treatments and medications. This is our last hope. If we are not pregnant (we will find out on June 29th, though I am not hopeful that it worked) that is the end of our trying. We are out of money now. We’ve spent every penny of our savings on this cycle. My husband is starting school in the fall to become a pastor, and we will have no extra income. If this does not work, we may not get another chance for more than 3 years. We want a baby so badly. My baby will be wonderful, beautiful and an amazing child. I can almost see him, I just can not get to him. It is so frustrating that the only thing stopping my husband and I from achieving our dreams of being parents is money. Money should not be a factor in creating life. People are every day making babies without a second though, though for all of us who are infertile, we want nothing more than our babies. It consumes our every thought, our every dream, our every day. The fact that we are not allowed to be parents just because the cost of our treatments are so high is unconscionable. Please help us to reach our goals. Please help us to be able to meet our babies.”


It’s been a week since the IUI.  I don’t think it worked.  It seems like at this point last time, when we had conceived Zippy, I was exhausted, thirsty all the time, and peeing non stop.  I haven’t felt any of those symptoms so far.  We have our blood test on Monday (6/29) and I’m not holding out much hope that it will be good news.  I’m going to be devastated if this did not work.  We had 1 shot to go for this.  Now I don’t think we’ll be able to try again, unless we win the lottery.  It makes me so angry that the only thing stopping us from having a child is money.  It’s just not fair.

In other news, we are getting a new “baby” of sorts…we’ve decided to get another dog.  We have one 3 year old dog now named Malcolm Reynolds (named after a character from the TV show Firefly/movie Serenity).  We got Mal when he was 8 weeks old and now we’re ready for him to have a “sibling.”  Mal is a mix between a chihuahua and a terrier (what kind we’re not sure).  Here’s Malcolm:


Our new puppy will also be named after a character from Firefly/Serenity.  Her name is Inara Serra:


She is 7 weeks old.  Unfortunatly, we don’t have her home yet.  We’ll pick her up on Sunday after we move.  My husband is starting school in the fall, so we’re moving closer to his school.  Her mix: her mom is a bichon frise/shih tzu mix and her dad is a dachshund.  You can see she gets most of her looks from daddy!  I’m so excited to have her joining our family.

I’ve wanted a new puppy for a while, but I think this is a good time to get her.  I’ve been antsy all week wanting to go pick her up.  It’s kept my mind off of the wait for the blood test.  Also, if it does turn out to be a BFN, at least I’ll have her to fill my life for a while.  Having a new puppy is very much like a new baby.  We found that out when we got Malcolm.  You have to get up in the middle of the night to take them out to go potty.  They sleep a lot and sometimes make little puppy crying sounds.  You have to constantly watch them to make sure they’re not getting into things they’re not supposed to, or chewing on things they shouldn’t.  The only difference is that you can’t leave a baby in a crate all day while you’re at work!

I hope you are all doing well.  Thank you for all of the comments and support you give.  I don’t go through a day without checking on my IF blogging community at least twice.  I rejoice with you when things go well, and cry with you when they don’t.  I’m so grateful to have this community to be with me on my own journey.

You never know when there will be a fire…

The above is a quote from my husband.  I’ll tell you the story in a bit…

First – the second IUI was today.  We got in MUCH quicker this morning initially, but there was still the hour wait after the specimen deposit which was more like  an hour and 15 minutes, but oh well.  Everything else went fine.  Husbands count was down, which we were expecting, but still good. 51 million with 94% motility.

So the quote: we go back to the room for the procedure and the nurse gives the classic “remove clothes from the waist down, I’ll be right back.”  I have to use the facilities first, so I leave Justin in the room.  When I come back in he says, “It’s a good thing I didn’t have my pants off when you opened the door!”  I say to him, “Those instructions were for me, not you silly.”  He jokes back, “Oh, right.  Well, I already had my pants off anyway.”  I look at him quizzically then remember that, yes, he would have had his pants off for the specimen deposit.  He then says, “I had my shirt off too.”  I ask why he would need to have that off.  He says, “Well, I didn’t want to get anything on it.”  Right.  Of course.  Then he says, “But I left my shoes on.”  I laugh.  I laugh some more.  I ask why he didn’t take those off too, “Well, you never know when there will be a fire…”



I laughed, a lot.  Just the image of him in the room, making a deposit in nothing but shoes and socks and then having to suddenly run for it because of a fire.  HAHAHAHAHA!  I said to him, “Personally, if there was a fire I’d rather be wearing a shirt than shoes.”  His response?  “Yeah, but there could be nails.”  I love him dearly.  It’s right about this point as we’re both laughing our heads off and the happy laughter tears are starting to spill down my face that the nurse comes in for the IUI.  I wonder what she was thinking about us!

Of course, she was a talker.  I don’t know about you all, but I’d rather not talk about the weather and my weekend plans as some lady is sticking a speculum and catheter up in my nether regions.  It’s just a bit awkward…plus I’m fighting not to yell out in pain, not really up for the talking.  Luckily husband takes over at that point for me.  Just as she begins the procedure, Justin leans over and whispers in my ear, “Just remember…there could be a fire at any time…”

Love him. 🙂


One down…

Completed IUI #1 today.  Go back tomorrow for the 2nd round.  Everything went fine once we got in.  45 minutes after our appointment was supposed to be Justin was finally able to make his “deposit”.  Then it was another hour wait until it was ready.  I called into work and said I wouldn’t be in today.  I’ll probably go in tomorrow afternoon.

The insemination went well.  Justin’s count: 100 million, 89% motility!  One thing everyone at the clinic has said to us is that Justin is VERY fertile.  He’d probably have 20 kids by now if he’d married a fertile woman.  The nurse today even said she went back to the technicians to check and make sure the numbers were right and there hadn’t been a mistake!  She said she’d never seen a count so high.  Crazy!  Our last IUI the count was high as well.  If think it was 95 million the first day and around 80 the second.  Still, you could split that fertility among 3 guys and they’d still be doing well for themselves!  (Strange the things that can be bragged about in the IF world!)

Lots of pain for the procedure.  I don’t know if all you IUI vets out there have experienced the same thing, but it’s always quite painful for me.  I told my husband when we left I always feel like they should buy me dinner first at least!  I also like to joke about 2 ladies making a baby.  Today I said I’d call up the Christian Coalition and let them know that it is possible for 2 women to make a baby! *wink*

We were also able to get about a months worth of progesterone before we left.  They hadn’t made a perscription for me yet so when we asked she came back with 2 boxes!!!  Yay.  Saves us about $200!  Like I said, we go back again tomorrow and then start the meds on Thursday.

Spent the day lounging on the couch watching True Blood (HBO Series) and Run, Fatboy, Run (movie).  Both excellent.  I love Simon Pegg.  Will keep you all updated on the progress of everything.

Here we go again…

Just got the call.  I take the Ovadril tonight and we have IUI tomorrow (Tuesday) and Wednesday.  YAY!  YIKES!  AHHHH!!  HUZZAH!!!  WHOA!!

Um, yeah…mixed feelings.  VERY VERY VERY FREAKIN happy that this cycle worked and we go to IUI.  I can’t believe it.  VERY VERY VERY FREAKING scared it won’t work this time.  We’ve had 1 IUI cycle so far.  It worked.  Now we’re on number 2.  Can it work again right away?  What if it dosen’t?  My hopes are so high, my hope are so low.  I don’t know what to think or what to do.  Is there anything I can do?  If I eat lots of leafy greens and drink milk and water and avoid all bad food and excersize tonight, will that garuntee a success (I know it won’t, I’m not stupid, but these are the things that go through your head!)???  Oi vey…I’m so nervous/scared/excited about tomorrow and Wednesday.  Please help!  Offer advice.  Offer encouragement…I don’t know.  I need something here!  I’m gonna go crazy until the end of the month when we’ll find out if it worked.  I don’t even want to think about what happens if it dosen’t.  I know what happens.  We’re done.  Out of money, out of hope.  I hate to think like that, but that’s kinda the deal here.  Last time we did IUI, we were in the same boat.  About enough money for a try and a half (which is what we did and it worked).  This time, about enough money for a try.  Here we go!

On the other hand, I can’t imagine what will happen if it does work.  I can’t even wrap my mind about it working again.  I lost my Zippy (what we called our little baby, Zippy the Zygote).  Can I possible have the chance at another child?  Does life work that way?  Does lightening strike twice??  God I hope so.  Please, please, please.


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