There seems to be a sort of connection between us all in the IF world.  We have a common story, though some of the details may be different, the general shape of the story is the same.  I’ve made a new IF bloggin connection.  Kate from Maybe Baby? has been leaving comments on my blog posts lately and I spent today reading through her blog from  the first post to the most current post.  I’m sure many of you have experienced the same thing, but it is as if I were reading something I wrote.  Almost every word, every pain, every tear – they are mine as well.

She posted a song in April by Ray Lamontagne called “Let It Be Me”.  It is a song that I’ve been listening to for months on the online radio station I play while at work.  I never grasped the words though.  I read that post and felt the connection.  The connection to her, to the pain, to the words, to us all dealing with miscarriage and infertility.

There may come a time, a time in everyones life
where nothin seems to go your way
where nothing seems to turn out right
there may come a time, you just cant seem to find your way
for every door you walk on to, seems like they get slammed in your face
thats when you need someone, someone that you can call.
and when all your faith is gone
feels like you cant go on
let it be me
if its a friend that you need
let it be me
feels like your always commin on home
pockets full of nothin and you got no cash
no matter where you turn you aint got no place to stand
reach out for something and they slap your hand
now i remember all to well
just how it feels to be all alone
you feel like youd give anything
for just a little place you can call your own
thats when you need someone, someone that you can call
and when all your faith is gone let it be me.

While the song was playing in the background just now as I was working, I was over come with emotion.  Mostly because I all of a sudden realized what I putting myself into this weekend.  My husband and I are heading up to Minnesota for the weekend to see my parents.  It hit me that I have not seen ANY of my family since I had my miscarriage in March.  The last time I saw my family was in February at my mom’s birthday party, and I told them the good news – that I was pregnant.

On Easter Sunday my husband and I were visiting his family.  I called home to wish everyone a Happy Easter.  My grandma got on the phone and I broke into tears at the sound of her voice.  It was very unexpected, and I don’t think she knew it happened.  I will see her this weekend, and I’m not sure how I will deal.

In better news, just now as I was typing this blog and the tears were forming, the phone rang.  It was my nurse at FCI (Fertility Centers of Illinois) where I go for my IF treatments.  I had called earlier to talk about starting up the meds that will bring on my cycle (provera).  I love my nurse there.  She’s been amazing through this whole process.  She was so happy when our IUI worked out and so upset when I told her I had lost the baby.  She is calling into my pharmacy right now to order the meds and I can pick them up tonight!  HUZZAH!!  This post started with me feeling very sad, and I still am, but I’m very glad that it’s ending with some hope…perhaps a sign??

4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kate
    May 14, 2009 @ 04:07:15

    I’m so glad that what I had to say meant something to you. Your writings inspired me to post just now. I am also going to see my family soon, the first time after I miscarried and I am also very nervous about my reaction.

    Yay on the FCI news. Good luck to you.

    BTW- a song that sometimes feels like it was written for miscarriage by Ray Lamontagne, is this one:

    I hardly know anyone who is a Ray fan. Hes great isn’t he?


  2. justin
    May 14, 2009 @ 13:12:34

    I love you SO much!


  3. CeCe Garrett
    May 14, 2009 @ 19:13:12

    Hey sister!
    I am SO glad you are getting the Go-Ahead!!! Woooot!

    As for family… expect a mixed bag. And if you feel the rush of painful emotion? Go with it. I am just proud that you have taken all of this with grace.You are a pleasure to read… and a companion in my nightly prayers. Have you listened to Held by Natalie Grant? um.. yeah. That song is not one to listen to at work… but it helped me so much after we lost Eli. But trust me.. you will be sobbing.

    With the PCOS Dx… I want you to do me a favor. I want you to ask the nurse her opinion on maybe starting you on Vit E for inflammation and if low dose steroids (like they use in assisted hatching) may help post IUI in case you have an immune response. I know it sounds nuts.. but I really believe that PCOS will one day be seen as an autoimmune disorder quite like RA, or lupus.

    I am praying for you!

    PS: Hubs is going to be in Chicago the first 2 weeks in June for a ministerial immersion. If I pick him up the last Friday… I want to take you to dinner. Hubs can tell your Hubs all about seminary and we can talk about life as a pastor’s


  4. Dawn
    May 18, 2009 @ 14:51:30

    thank you (and kate) for introducing Ray Lamontagne to me! his voice is amazing. love his stuff. wow.

    hugs to you…and YAY for starting provera! SO SO SO HAPPY for you. hugs hugs hugs!


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