This is the post I put up on my main blog shortly after I had my miscarriage. Up until that post, there were very few people who knew that Justin (my husband) and I had been dealing with infertility. I had planned on keeping that secret forever. After my miscarriage however, I felt the need to tell everyone. I needed people to understand what I was going through. Unless you’ve had a miscarriage, it’s hard to understand the feeling associated with it. And worse still if that miscarriage has come after years of struggling with infertility. Putting up this post was healing in many ways for me. A weight was lifted off my chest a bit, and at least now people would know what I was dealing with, even if they couldn’t completly understand the feelings, they would know. I put the original post up here now as a way of starting my story on this new blog.
“Last week I put up a 2 posts announcing that Justin and I would be new parents in October. Last Thursday early morning, we had to rush to the ER. I was having a lot of pain and bleeding. After many hours of waiting and tests, ultrasounds and blood work, we were told that I had lost the baby. It seems that the baby had died about a week after my last ultrasound, which was at week 8. I would have at the time we went into the hospital, been at week 11. They were able to get me in to surgery relatively quickly that day, as I had not eaten since dinner the night before. I had a d&c to remove what was left. The procedure only took about 20 minutes. I was out during that, and in recovery for 2 hours after that. We were then able to go home. We got to the emergency room at about 5:30 am and were home a bit after 2 pm. It was a very long, very painful day. We are still dealing with a lot of grief and I’m still recovering from the surgery and having some pain. I have had a hard time seeing people or talking to anyone. If you have called here the last couple of days, you have most likely spoken with Justin. He has been amazing and I am so grateful to him for dealing with everything I’ve been unable to deal with. He is going through the same pain, and I hate that I have been making him do everything. I am eternally grateful to him and love him more than anything.
“On top of all of this, we have another pain that we have been dealing with. This is something we have not told many people about, because I have been unwilling to let anyone know. It’s hard even now for me to be sharing this, but I think it’s time, and I’m sick of the pain and the secrets.
“Justin and I started our journey to be parents early in 2007. We spent a year trying to get pregnant with no luck. I finally spoke with my gynecologist and she referred us to a fertility clinic. We spent all of 2008 there. It has been determined that I most likely have PCOS. That basically means that my body does not produce hormones correctly for becoming pregnant and that with out help, I most likely cannot get pregnant on my own. On top of all of this, my health insurance does not cover the cost of infertility treatments, only up to a point of diagnosis. So, not only were we dealing with the fact that having a baby would be difficult in the first place, but on top of it, we could not even afford to try. The cost of the treatments are extremely high. The medicines that I need to take are over $1000 each time we try. That’s not to mention all of the ultrasounds, blood work and actual procedures needed to make this happen. During these 2 years, only 1 person knew we were even dealing with this. When we finally got to the point where I had been diagnosed and a course of treatment had been decided we were unsure if we would be able to do it since as I said, we did not have the money. At that point Justin suggested it was time to talk to our pastors, not only to help us deal with the pain associated with infertility, but to see if they could offer any guidance as to how to proceed. I was still unwilling to talk to anyone, but I knew that we were at a point where we could not proceed alone. I’m very very glad that we did finally talk with them. They were able to offer some guidance, counsel and suggestions. Through that meeting, we discovered that we could possibly be eligible for a grant to help us pay for the costs of treatment. We were able to get that grant and we were given $5,000. That would basically get us through one treatment and maybe another if we were very thrifty. Luckily our nurse at the fertility clinic was aware of our situation and help to find us extra medicine from samples and that people had turned in that they didn’t need anymore, so much of the medicine I needed we got for free. Things were finally starting to work in our favor! The middle of January 2009, we had our first procedure. We did an IUI, not an IVF as IVF are ridiculously expensive and even with another grant we would have not been able to afford it. We got very lucky and the IUI worked the first time we tried!! Usually it can take up to 2-3 tries before it finally works. It seemed that everything was finally coming together, our dreams and hopes were being realized.
“It was so hard to wait to tell our friends and family our good news. I was so happy that after 2 years, I was finally going to be a mommy! We still kept the infertility to ourselves for the most part, telling only a few people. The reason I’ve kept this in so long is mostly due to embarrassment. All my life I’ve wanted to have children. All my life I’ve had a fear in the back of my mind, a “what if” nagging. What if I can’t have children? What if there is something wrong with me? To find that that distant fear was a reality was a huge blow. I’m still embarrassed. I still feel inadequate. As a woman, as a human being. One of the major defining differences between genders is a woman’s ability to create life. If I can’t do that, what does that say about me, about my female-ness? Even putting this out there for the whole world to see was a very difficult decision for me. I’m still uneasy about it, but I also feel it is the right thing to do. I’m tired of keeping it all in, and I want people to know and to understand what we’re going through. Possibly this will reach other people who are in the same situation and they will know they are not alone. It’s not easy to be alone. To see all of your friends and loved ones starting families. It seemed that every time I opened the computer or talked to someone, another person was having a baby. It’s hard when it seems so easy for some people, that they barely have to think about it, and here I am wanting nothing more in the world that a baby and no matter what I did I could not have one. The relief, joy and love I felt when were were finally going to be parents was beyond anything I’ve ever felt. To now have lost that so soon is beyond devastating, beyond anything I have ever felt in my entire life. To loose someone you have never even met is hard to explain. There is no closure. There is no body to mourn. There is no name to put to the feelings. There is no personality to miss. There is only the hope and the expected joy that is now lost and can never be found. Only the dreams and plans that had been made that are now dust.
“I have new what if’s now. What if I can’t get pregnant again? What if we can’t find the money to try again? Everything seemed to click the first time, what if a miracle can only happen once in your life?
“We will try again. We will find a way. We will make it through this, and hopefully in the not to distant future, we will have our hopes and dreams realized, and I will be able to hold my baby in my arms and say “I love you, and I’ve been waiting my whole life for you.” I anticipate that day. I long for that day. I cry for that day.
“I want to thank all of my friends and family who have been with us during this time, think of us, offering us sympathy and understanding. Unfortunately, I know many people who have had to deal with the pain of miscarriage. I thank them all for there words and guidance.
“Goodbye, my sweet baby. Rest now my angel.”