fingers crossed…
I head to the doctor in about 20 minutes to talk about possibly getting on Metformin. Any last minute advice would be appreciated! Wish me luck!
I’ll be sure to post after I get back about what happened.
Booothanks for the info…
So, this day started out great (read some sarcasm into that one folks). A little background: I work at a church as a secretary. Part of my job includes showers and lunches for the homeless community in our area. When I get to work in the morning I open the door and make a list of everyone here to get in line for showers. I actually love this part of my job and it was a big reason why I wanted it in the first place.
Well, today one of my regulars comes in and walks up to the door, “So – what did you have?” I kind of look at him blankly and repeat the question back to him. “Boy or girl?” Again, blank stare. I say back, “Boy or girl what?” (stupidly thinking maybe he was referring to my new dog that I brought to work the other day). He looks at me and says, “Baby! Weren’t you on maternity leave??” Punch in the gut folks – that what it felt like. I explained to him that no, I was not and I do not have a baby. I wrote his name down and went through the rest of the line. I had to run to the back room and stock up on towels and as soon as I got in there my eyes misted up. I don’t know why he would think I was on leave. I was gone a bit the last 2 weeks due to travel and my staph infection, but no where near enough time for anyone to think it was maternity leave – not to mention the fact that I definitely don’t have a preggo belly. I’m overweight, but I don’t think it looks like I’m pregnant! I wonder why he thought that, but it could be that back in February when things were bright and happy he overheard my co-workers and I talking about my Zippy.
So, to make myself feel better (again, sarcasm) I decided to go and check out my Lilypie counter. I’m sure you all know these. They’re what pregnant women go and make as soon as they find out they’re preggo and put on their websites so people can see the count down to the due date. I stupidly made one of these the day I found out I was pregnant. I never got it up on my blog though, as soon after we decided to start telling people we lost the baby. So, according to Lilypie, “I am 35 weeks pregnant. Only 36 days to go.” I wish. I’m supposed to be planning out my actual maternity leave – figure out what I need to do to prepare for a sub. Get the nursery ready. Prepare for the happiest day of my life. Instead I feel nothing but pain and loss. I should be having a baby in a month. Instead, I’m empty.
My sister-in-law gave birth to a baby girl yesterday. We were due one month apart. It was going to be a spectacular end of the year, and a busy one for my mother-in-law! A happy Christmas with 2 new editions to the family. I’m so happy for Jen and Josh, that they were able to have their new little one, and that she is here and healthy. But I also feel pain that I can’t experience that as well. Instead of 2 little bundles on Christmas, there will only be one, and my arms will ache with emptiness. Looking at the pictures of my mother-in-law holding little Bella, my heart broke, that I could not give her that same joy, that I may never be able to provide her with another grandchild.
I’m counting down to September 9th, when I can call in for meds to the doctor and get my next cycle started. I hope this damn cyst is gone. I hope this time, the IUI works, and I hope if it does, that I can nurture my baby until it grows to full term. As down as I’m feeling today, I still have a glimmer of hope. I can’t help it. It’s the only thing that keeps me going.
I mentioned in a post a few weeks back that I had some friends that were going through a difficult time. That was for my best friend and her family. Unfortunately, she has just lost her baby. I would never wish that kind of pain on anyone, and definitely for my best friend! She has shared her story on her blog, and if you have a few moments, read through and leave her a comment. I hope she doesn’t mind that I’m linking to her, but I really think it’ll help if she can hear some encouragement from those of us who have been there. Love you hun.
the dreaded birthday is past…
So, it’s over. I’m 29. I survived.
I was not looking forward to celebrating this birthday. I’ve had a really crappy year. Really. I should be happy to saying goodbye to 28, since it treated me like garbage, but 29 scares me even more. What if this year is no better? More setbacks, more heartache. I really want to hope it’ll be better, that something good will come out of 29, but it’s hard to see that silver lining on the cloud that was 28 sometimes…
I’ve always loved my birthdays and celebrating them. I usually plan big parties. This year, I did not. I did however organize an outing to see the Minnesota Twins with a group of friends that I haven’t seen in a long time. It was amazing to see them all, and made me miss them even more. Hopefully someday I won’t live so far from them. Of course, that would mean living far away from my new friends where I am now. I’m just going to have to start a commune where we can all live together.
Anyway, I survived. I have September to *hopefully* look forward to a new IUI cycle, and hope that it’ll work. October is going to be rough. I was supposed to be having a baby in early October. I’ll get through somehow.
Until then, here’s a little video I made of my day at the HHH Metrodome watching the Twins kick some Oriole ass! Hope you are all doing well…
my life right now…
Hey folks…it’s been a while, and let me tell you, a lot has happened in that time!
At last update, I was counting down to Sept 9th, when I can call in for a perscription to jump start AF. Still waiting for that, but nervous it won’t happen. Let me tell you why.
My husband and I had planned to go visit my parents over my birthday (Aug 24th) which we did. We left last Friday and arrived back last night. However, before we left, we had a bit of excitement.
I had noticed on my stomach last monday that I had an irritation. I sometimes do get small cysts of some type there where my jeans rub on my stomach when it’s hot out. They are small, show up for a day or two then go away. This one however was about 2 inches around, rock hard and painful. Any pressure that was put on it was excruciating. Also, I got home from work on Tuesday after spending the day completly exhausted and went straight to bed. I ended up sleeping until 10:30 pm when I woke up and realized I’d been having chills the whole time. Had a temp of over 100. My husband finally convinced me to go get it check out, so on Wednesday we went in to the doc (a regular doctor to, like, the kind normal people go to, can you believe it?). Here’s where we start getting into the gross stuff. The area had burst open that morning, so I showed up at the doctor with washrag on my stomach. She looked at it a bit and took a culture. She finally decided that, due to the fever and size of the infection that I should go to the ER. Yup…I spent 6 hours in the emergency room last Wednesday. Good times!
We got into a room right away, as my doc had called ahead to tell them to expect me. We waited about 20 min to see the doc. They set me up on IV antibiotics and pain killers. I also got a local on my stomach. She then used a scalpel to open up the wound to drain it. Let me tell you, that was the 2nd most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. Even with all the pain meds they had me on and the local, I could feel it all. I was crying and screaming the whole time. I felt bad for the people around me, as we were just in a curtained off section. I also had a CAT scan, to make sure the infection hadn’t gotten to my organs (it did not). They were worried that I might have mersa (a very severe staff infection), but from culture results today, it looks like it was just a general staph infection.
So, I’m on antibiotics and I stopped taking the pain meds a few days ago as it is much better now. Went in to the doc this morning and the infection is pretty much gone. They put packing in the would at the ER to keep it open (it basically looks like a shoestring) which is put in the infection to keep it open so it continues to drain. My husband now has the job of pulling out the string 1cm a day until it comes out. Good times. That does not feel good either. More pain in store! Woo Hoo!
So, that’s pretty much done, and the antibotics are done in about 3 days. Here’s the main problem – I hope this does not effect starting my next IUI cycle in September. The infecting is right at the injection site for my brevelle. I’m hoping we can do it on the other side of my belly button (anyone know if it matters what side you inject on??). I’m nervous though that they’ll say since it was so soon they don’t want to do an IUI. Does staph effect pregnancy? Now that I’ve had it once, I can be more prone to getting it again, so I have to be very careful. It was just on my skin though, so I’m hoping this will not effect IF treatments in anyway, but I’m nervous. I’m also nervous that the damn cyst in my uterus will still be there and I’ll have to wait again. All I can do is inform my nurse when I call on the 9th of everything and hope I get the go ahead.
update…
started Brevelle yesterday. Will take shots through Thursday night, back for u/s and bloodwork on Friday. After that, it’s kinda up in the air whether or not we’ll be able to continue this cycle. We are working on a few options. Hopefully we’ll know by Friday what we’re doing. Bah! This all sucks so much.
Don’t Tell me…
…it was “God’s Plan”
…it wasn’t the right time
…there must have been something wrong
…that “God dosen’t make mistakes”
…it’ll happen when you’re ready
…it’ll be so much easier now
Just don’t.
The reason…
“The long and winding road…” that hopefully will someday lead to my baby.
I’m starting this page in order to vent, to tell, to share and to heal. My husband and I have been trying to have a child for over 2 years now. We started early in 2007. In January of 2009, after many tears, tests, poking, prodding, shots, drugs and other struggles due to my PCOS, we finally conceived a child after our first attempt at IUI. That baby lived 8 weeks in my womb and then left us suddenly with no warning or reason. I hope on this page to be able to tell my story and through it to connect to others.
I also hope that some day that long road will lead to the birth of our hoped for BabyT.
