saying goodbye again…

27 Jan 2010 29 Comments

by meggomae in the story Tags: miscarriage

I went in for a doctors appointment on Monday.  As I said in my last post, I’d been having some abdomen pain, no cramping, just a tight, stretchy feeling.  After talking with a bunch of friends and the great comments I got from you all here & on Twitter, I had convinced myself this was normal and nothing was wrong.  I did however set up the appointment anyway, because I was going crazy having to wait until Feb 8th for my next one!

Doctor came in and I told her why I was there.  She said, “If I had known why you came in I would have told them not to schedule you, this is just normal pregnancy stuff.  Well, since you’re here we’ll do a regular check up.”  She turned on the u/s machine and got started.  She had the monitor turned away from me.  She was taking a long time to look, and not saying anything.  My stomach started to drop.  She wasn’t looking at me, just staring at the screen with a confused look on her face, punching buttons.  I knew it was over at that point.  She finally said, “I’m sorry, but I’m not seeing much growth from the last appointment, and I can’t find a heartbeat.  I’m very sorry.”  She took some measurements and the baby had only grown 1 day from my first appointment with her.  One day.  6 weeks 4 days old, that’s it.

Whatever I thought going into that appointment, I was definitely not prepared to hear that my baby had died.  The doctor sat and talked with us for a while, but I honestly don’t remember much.  I just wanted to get out of there and go home.  She did refer me to a high risk pregnancy specialist so we can figure out what’s causing this and hopefully prevent it in the future.

I can’t believe I’m in this place again.  This dark place where I have to live with the fact that my body, once again, could not provide for my child.  It’s heart breaking and I just don’t understand it.  I’m once again having to find a way to deal with the death of a child, a child that I never got to know.

While I know that my child is gone, my body has yet to catch up with that.  Nothing has started to happen yet, though my doctor said since the baby was so young I shouldn’t have any problems passing it on my own.  My other child was 8 wks and I had a D&C.  I’m not sure about this time.  I think it will depend on how much pain I experience.  Last time was unbearable, even on the pain meds.  I’m hoping I won’t have to have the surgery.  I just don’t know what to expect or when to expect things to get started.  It’s simply a waiting game right now.

We’ve decided to name this baby Sophie.  It’s the name that was in one of the dreams I had (mentioned here).  It’s originally from the Greek Sophia, which means wisdom.  I’m hoping in this loss that we can find some wisdom.  That the doctor can find out why this keeps happening, and that we can prevent it in the future.  I really thought I would never survive a 2nd miscarriage, and who knows, maybe I can’t.  I haven’t really let myself deal with it yet.  I’ve had to be at work all week due to some projects that couldn’t wait.  I haven’t had time to really deal with it all.  I don’t think I will until it all actually begins.

Thank you to everyone for your love, support and prayers during this time.  It really does mean a lot that we have this support system, both in our real lives and in the cyber world.  You are my strength and my support through so much of this and I couldn’t do it with out you.